Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Needing a Narcissist

I am not completely sure of this, and I can't cite statistics, but it seems that those abused by narcissists have a common problem -- a compelling NEED for that person. A feeling that you just cannot live without them.

Yet, when the narcissist is gone -- poof -- they immediately find that they didn't really need him or her. There is no grief or missing that person. The pain is wholly from the damage to the victim's self esteem -- not from the loss of a loved one.

And yet, renewed contact with the narcissist can start it all over again.

How does this happen? I don't really know. But I do know that narcissists go to great lengths to make you utterly dependent on them. In fact, this is one reason why they prey on their own children so heavily -- because children are the most dependent people in the world. Any kind of dependence is sought: financial dependence, dependence for moral support, and especially emotional dependence.

Instead of berating yourself for why you're loathe to divorce this spouse, parent, sibling, or friend, just ask yourself some hard questions. What are YOU getting out of the relationship? AND, do you NEED that?

It goes without saying that if the narcissist has come between you and others to isolate you (so that you have no one else to turn to for human companionship and support) re-establish those relationships pronto. Narcissists, like any predator, always try to cut their prey out of the herd. Don't let them succeed.

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At 3:03 AM, Blogger Nevermore said...

I am curious what you think. I have, in the last few months, posted on my blog about my dealings with a narcissist that I loved and ultimately have come to despise. Much of what you, and others, say about the fallout from a narcissist concerns the slander or calumny that may come from them, but in my situation the N. is unable to do so because there are too many that know me well and she knows that she cannot succeed at slander. However, I have been telling some of the story in my posts and others have view it as slanderous. I have been revealing my thoughts concerning our relationship and many have taken my statements as attacks on her, and I admit that they are to some extent. Do you think that an abused person has the right to expose in a public forum, where mutual friends are involved, the abuse of a narcissist? Am I now being no better than they, am I slipping into their mode of being? After so much pain I don’t feel that I owe the N. any confidentiality, even if we live in a small community and many look at me as the problem now. She would never listen to my complaints and others were never able to see the truth, but now I am making both listen. A part of me thinks that this is, as some have put it to me, “in poor taste.” So far I have said “too bad,” but I am tired of being viewed as the bad guy for doing this. I want her to know that I am no longer fooled by her, and I wish to explain to others why for so long I have seemed out of sorts. Sometimes I wish that I was just beaten physically, because that would be easier to explain to others. I’m rambling now, but I’m just concerned that my offensive may be causing me more damage than it’s worth.
On a separate note, I had an idea for a new TV show…Relationship Court TV. It would be like a soap opera mixed with court TV where plaintiffs bring their complaints, with proof and witnesses, in front of a panel of ‘experts’ in order to expose narcissists. Maybe it could be called “Narcissist Exposed” or some such thing. I just want more people to be aware of these types I guess. That’s all.

At 1:02 PM, Anonymous SpecialK said...

Disclaimer: "I am not a professional." However, you are giving the N exactly what they want CELEBRITY! No matter how much you are hurting, do not respond with what the N wants; attention. Further, by talking about them frequently you are allowing them to take up residence in the places you need to evict them your mind and heart. The best way to move on is to move on. Of course we all need to get matters off our chests. Find a trusted friend or two; preferrably someone who does not live in the small town. Let it out and move on. You will feel so much better afterwards. Last note, because Ns do not "really" experience emotions as we do, you will never hurt them to the degree in which you have been hurt, unless you FULLY ignore them. I feel your pain and I wish you the best. Turn the corner!

At 4:55 PM, Blogger Kathy K said...

People believe whatever they wanna believe. They can know you too well one day and unknow you the next in order to believe something juicy. Happens all the time. In fact, most people fall prey to character assassination by beliving that everybody knows them too well to fall for such lies.

On the other hand, your social status could very well make her afraid her to slander you.

I am death on slander as well as calumny. BUT, pointing the accusing finger right back at a projecting accuser is your only defense and an inalienable right = your right to self defense, self preservation, and the pursuit of happiness. From what you say though, in this case, it doesn't seem necessary.

I think SpecialK is right. The narcissist will love it, I'm afraid. Also, she never cared about you -- no human feelings -- so there is no justice because she can't suffer like she made you suffer.

What they do is diabolical, a Catch-22. That's what makes it so outrageous. If I were you, I'd would just rethink. But I wouldn't worry about it much.

At 12:52 AM, Blogger Nevermore said...

Thanks for the input, I see your points. I think it is just a matter of getting it off my chest and now that I have done that I agree that completely cutting her off in every respect is the best course of action. Thanks again.

At 12:53 AM, Blogger Nevermore said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's interesting that I just discussed this "Catch 22" situation with my counselor. I'm recovering from a 20 year (12 yr. marriage) with a N. and I was explaining to her how unfair this was. I was the one who had the courage to leave, yet ended up with no friends (any we had were his first) and no support. The N. got to them first and I'm the one who wronged him by leaving. This is the kind of plot you'd think only exists in movies. The N. feels NO Emotion... at least not the way "normal" people feel. NO remorse, no blame , no responsibility! Yet, here I am trying to understand why I wasn't good enough to be treated with respect and love when that is what I gave him for 20 years. It's crazy, but I have no regret for leaving and I look forward to a normal life.

At 6:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am currently FLEEING from a several yr 'relationship' with my exgf.
I am literally, on the road.
While on the road and AWAY..my thinking clears up and my original self emerges.felt confident.
I went back days ago to 'finalize' stuff.
Felt fine and ok during and immediately after, but the very next day, i was confused, disoriented and missing this person...knew i HAD to run for my life..couldnt stay in N town...

I think i know why we feel we cant live without them.its the ABUSE they grind us with - Stockholm Syndrome??

At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding the comment from Dec 5 2005 609am from anonymous that starts with "I am currently FLEEING from a several yr 'relationship' with my exgf".

I am pretty sure that I dated your ex-girlfriend (you were with her 10 years?) after you did according to the timing of your posting. The worst 6 months of my life...constantly verbally abuse constantly being told that I has mentally ill if I did not agree with something. No Empathy whatsoever. After we split I had terrible panic attacks for 2 months and needed medication. She called me two days ago and the whole terrible process started in my head again. I would never use the word "narcissist" when talking with her but she has all the signed of being somatic narcissist.

Thank god I have a new girlfriend now who is much more emphatic and nice person..


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