Dissimulation
Dissimulation. It's an unusal word, but I think it's the only word that exactly describes the narcissist's tactic to con people. He or she dis-simulates their true self. They act like the antithesis of what they are.
At Sanctuary for the Abused, we get an example of what I mean in the child molester:
Some tell people they think child molesters should be shot, while others work very hard to present themselves as a concerned citizen and pillar of the community.
Which reminds me of a wise man (Jesus of Nazareth) who said that people who perform good works to be seen doing them deserve no credit for them.
Why do child molesters do this? To Block the Kick in case any child tells on them.
How better to dissmulate a child molester than to make sure everyone hears you expressing outrage about "those people" who molest children? Better yet, put it on thick by becoming an activist against child abuse in your community. Yell a lot about how you think child molesters should be shot.
Laughing up your sleeve the whole time.
Indeed, what better disguise is there for a child molester than the habit of a priest who gets to be called "father"?
Dissimulation. It isn't brilliant: a six-year-old is smart enough to think of and play this trick. It's just so low that it comes in under most people's radar.
I give another example of dissimulation in this account of the narcissist who put on an extravangant show of love for her dying mother -- only to show her true colors when nobody was around to see how she treated her dying mother.
1:39 PM permanent link
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7 Comments:
I think that is a very good way to put it: it was crystal clear for years but way below our radar.
I know that Ns flatter themselves that we're stupid, but we're just not cynics is all. They rid of of our illisions about people.
i posted at 3:18 on9/25/06 and have been hoping to join back in(finally have a word verification to copy again, it was blank for a while!) i have been learning a lot and now things from the past are replaying in my mind. Things that registered then but i didn't understand.Now when i apply this new knowledge (about NPD) I realize i had radar all along and was indeed picking up on stuff. I have conferred with some of our kids.very delicate manuevering- scary and tiring, trying not to allienate or offend anyone. They know something's not right too. At first it was validating, but now I have to be careful not to move too fast in my haste to rescue everyone. You see, our N has been in low gear for a long time. Very subtle, very covert, undetectable to outsiders.( I found a link describing verbal abuse that was painfully enlightening. I put checkmarks by almost everything not ever having known some of this stuff counted as abuse, even though i was (only vaguely)aware of the hurt it caused. I used to call them sniper attacks because you never knew where one was gonna come from or when.) Anyway, my whole quest has been trying to establish if my N is getting worse. My burning question has been do they get worse with age? I read they escalate their behavior when they feel threatened. I'm not sure if he is getting weirder or if I'm just getting smarter.
I think that's right--it's when they feel threatened that the s**t hits the fan. What they feel threatened about can vary quite a bit, depending on what other tendencies they have. For example, my mother has a histrionic streak and would feel threatened anytime she didn't feel total and unconditional love and appreciation from me for everything she's done. My husband has a passive-aggressive streak and becomes most threatened when I point out that he ignores or evades me when I want something from him (God forbid if I insist that he does anything).
There's also length of time in the relationship that is a factor. When you first fall in love, even the N is "into" their new hobby of "you," honing their abilities to catch you up in their illusions of perfect love, and revelling in the lengths they can get you to go for them. This level of attentiveness can't be maintained even by normal couples--they fall out of love but might progress to some form of intimate friendship. I think when this reality of what naturally happens to long-term relationship hits the N, they have a much harder fall--they can't deal with the reality and adapt, and then, or course they become threatened (and likely blame all of it on their partner for changing).
They may eventually get over the loss of the being "in love" part of the relationship. However, they also stop working on the illusion of the perfect relationship, and the underlying variation that is part of their personality comes out into the open for good. As for many situations in life, it's really the same process that everybody goes through, but it's made so much worse with a narcissist.
First, I must say that this blog is a pleasure. The comments are excellent. I agree with all but a few, but even those few I don't completely agree with make sense and are reasonable and thought provoking. I really appreciate the atmosphere, and I learn from the comments, so I figure most everyone does.
I have heard it both ways: that narcissists get worse with age and that they get better with age.
My guess is that the twisted thinking patterns become so deeply ingrained over time that mentally narcissists get worse. For one thing, they have been calling things what they ain't for so long that they lose track of what words mean. I myself have written that I bet all old narcissists have effectively made themselves stupid, without becoming senile in the common way.
So, that would tend to make them worse with age. More apt to go off. I knew one old narcissist who had become so automatic in his habit of abusing anyone he needed fear no retaliation from that in old age that he would go off at almost anybody anywhere (except cops and priests and other authority figures of course).
Worse, right?
But, there is something else going on with age that some say makes narcissists better after middle age. You know -- it's "The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie" syndrome. (Now there's a novel narcissist!) After their prime, narcissists often lose some of the power they had held over others. For example, a man may not be able to physically intimidate his grown sons any longer. They may protect their mother. Old men cannot physically intimidate even their grown daughters anymore. People living outside the home are not vulnerable to getting thrown out by a narcissistic sibling or parent.
In short, much of what a narcissist glories in leaves him or her as they age -- beauty, strength, power over others, and so forth. They literally become to weak to bully many people anymore. Which makes them pull in their horns.
Also, when they see that you're on to them, they see they can't get away with as much. I am convinced that that is the only rein on their conduct. If they fear retaliation or the law, they will behave.
Up to a point, because like Lee Harvey Oswald, they can get desperate for NS. Then they're dangerous and more likely to push the envelope, doing something stupid that they would get caught for doing.
So, I think you've got forces acting in both directions on them as they age. If they're desperate, it's hard to predict what they'll do. I think that's when Ns commit crimes, like murdering someone.
So, I think it's probably best to stand firm and let them know they can't abuse you BUT leave them an out they can save face with. They don't need much of an excuse to persuade themselves they won. They'll imagine THAT no matter what happens.
So, in a situation where he or she has no "out" look out. For example, I'd never tell them you're going to call the police. Just call them on the sly. I know of two women who moved out on an N on the sly, while he was away at work. He came home to a big surprise.
It's funny what La Diabla adds about mothers. The N's I've had the most trouble with have had a strange sort of love/hate relationship with their mothers -- on the one hand, the faults of the moms are the root of all evil in the world. On the other hand, these guys are (like Kathy so persistently points out) like little kids jumping up and down for Mom's attention, "Hey, look at me, look at me!" I suspect the root of these guys' narcissism does, in fact, lie in their mothers' own narcissistic (or otherwise) inability to have given these little boys the attention a growing child needs to develop healthily.
A psychiatrist friend of mine once told me that most of us go through our lives trying to recreate our troubled relationships in an effort to "fix" them. Thus, a child of an N picks an N for a partner -- thinking "I'll convince this one that I really am a human being with independent worth; I'll get through this time." The N is just that perpetual little boy (or girl, but mostly boy in my world) still thinking, "I can get her attention, I can get her to see how marvelous I am." It's a fine line, I suppose, and I still wonder how some children of Ns develop empathy and don't develop narcissism and others don't. But La Diabla nails it -- the ones who become Ns seem excessively fixated on Mom.
Kathy - thanks for reading my blog - I read yours religiously - you rule!
thanks for the link to my site. I notice so many Ns, like child molesters - go to great lengths to pretend to be something they are not. Exhibitionist who pretends to be modest?
Like a spoonful of sugar to help the b.s. go down.
Currently I am thinking a lot about Ns who tell different victims different stories, compartmentalize their thinking and so it. Astounding feat!! Just still boggles my mind.
Great work!
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