Monday, February 05, 2007

Narcissists Hypersensitive? To What?

Referring to yesterday's post... the fact that narcissists aren't retaliating against some perceived slight shouldn't surprise us the way it does. For, it stands to reason. An analogy illustrates.

If you think you need all the dollars in the world, you will compete with everyone for every single dollar. No matter how many you already have and how in need of a dollar someone else is.

This attitude makes you a callous adversary of every other person in the world.

What's more, if you see a dollar in someone else's pocket, you will want to take it away from him. Just because he has it. In other words, you will view him as something to despoil, as a predator views prey.

Well, just change "dollar" in that analogy to "respect" (or regard, appreciation, glowing reputation, or any other form of attention) and you are describing a narcissist.

We know that animal predators aren't (counter)attacking their prey in retaliation for any offense, don't we? How do we know that? Because the predator doesn't stop attacking when the prey tries to flee.

No ifs ands or buts about that. That is proof positive of the predator's pure aggression.

And it's the same with narcissists. They CAN'T be attacking in retaliation for any offense. Because they too, just intensify their attack when the other party backs down, tries to appease, tries to flee, or shows any other sign of weakness. Just like an animal predator does.

Now, many people don't want to believe this. But they have to defy the absolute truth of inescapable logic to unbelieve it.

Yes, I know, it's politically incorrect to say that the mentally ill are "bad." Then maybe we should consider malignant narcissism and psychopathy character disorders, not mental illnesses. Whatever. The truth is true, politically correct or not. And sometimes it takes a backbone to know what we know.

In fact, if you do slight a narcissist, in my experience, depending on the circumstances, he may, or may not retaliate. Usually not, and I think this is because narcissists prefer sneak attacks on someone not expecting it.

So, in the vast majority of cases I have seen, there is NO REASON for them to get mad. None. Zilch. In fact, there is often anti-reason for them to get mad. For example, in most circumstances, telling a narcissist you love him is sure to set him off.

That's one reason why their attacks are so effective: they are surprise attacks, using shock tactics.

"Sensitive"? My a**. They aren't sensitive at all.

But of course these pathological liars lie about that. Of course they make excuses by accusing the victim of having hurt them in some way. But it's foolish to believe pathological liars on this, especially when the WAY they attack proves that they aren't just trying to make somebody else stop doing something.

To the contrary, it proves that they are feeding their egos by vaunting themselves on others as powerfully as they can = they are predators.

It's absurd to think the victim offends narcissists in some way to provoke these attacks. Yeah, right, by acting like a human being, his equal, by expecting a little consideration - instead of playing the part of insignificant bug compared to him - you are insulting him. Right. But only in the twisted mind of a narcissist.

Considering the narcissist "hypersensitive" because the victim's self respect "hurts" him is as twisted as he is.

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16 Comments:

At 11:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pretending to be wounded is one of the most annoying behaviors of my family narcissist. When he gets caught in one of his dirty schemes, he plays the the injured party.

You see, he only lied and screwed you over in order to protect you in some way. Or because he was afraid that otherwise, you might think something worse. "I was afraid you'd think ..." or "I didn't want you to think ..."

Of course he NEVER thought it was such a bg deal that you would react is such a strong way to being lied to or cheated in some way.

Now he feels bad. In fact, he feels just downright terrible. Pretty soon, he has the real victim apologizing to him and feeling bad for "over-reacting" and making the narcissist feel so bad about what he has done!

This monster almost always turns getting caught into being the victim. He plays on decent people's need to not hurt others, even when they have been hurt themselves. Like all good narcissists, he used others' empathy against them.

I don't fall for it, in fact I no longer have anything to do with this piece of crap other than unavoidable family contact. But in the past, I have found myself blowing up at decent family members the minute they suggested that I had been "too hard" on the narcissist. They would whine to me that, "After all, he really does feel bad about what happened."

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Ah! They ARE all the same, aren't they?

I think this is the most maddening thing about them. The way they make themselves the victim and the victim the offender is such a flaming farce, heaping insult on injury, that I think this is what victims find most inolerable.

It is a travesty, a hellish joke...on all who fall for it.

 
At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The last time I ever spoke with my ex-N on the phone (after calling him on his lack of empathy and compassion once and for all), he dispassionately remarked:
"You're always making me out to be the guilty one...just like my ex-wife did!!".
Well, I know now that he WAS guilty of some heinous, outrageously callous and immoral behavior, yet I take small comfort from that knowledge today (well over a year later).
I "beat myself up" for the longest time, questioning my "harsh" (as he put it) choice of words during that last conversation bewteen us.

I still ruminate and relive that final scenario
and to this day, it haunts me still.
How sad is that?

You may leave them behind but
They never really leave you.

 
At 9:14 PM, Anonymous gh said...

Yeah, one of the N's in my world was going on about his "crazy" ex-wife and how she's so much happier now that she was when they were married. Because she must be getting good therapy, he explained. *Obviously* it wasn't divorcing him that brought peace to her life -- he couln't even begin to contemplate that possibility. It was that moment that I finally recognized what he truly is. (Ironically, his ex was a Kathy, too.)

 
At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is just what is bending my mind and breaking my spirit. All the reading I've been doing identifies and confirms what i am going thru. I just start dealing with it for myself. Then someone else (one of our kids or a family member or a friend) will say something to the effect of 'poor N' and I'll bite their head off instead of his!!! Nobody else has figured out what is wrong yet and I can't seem to explain it to them, cuz they don't know what we all do.I test the waters to see if they might be experiencing any of what i am, but so far they just "stick up for him" so I cry and vent here.It is sooooo infuriating! That "poor baby" act of his is deplorable and pathetic and I can't stand how it works for him and i can't stand watching people get played by it anymore.you guys' comments are so right on i almost want to print them and throw them in everyone's faces and scream "SEEE??!!!" jt

 
At 1:19 AM, Anonymous Solaris said...

I know what you mean, JT. I think it's the ultimate insult to the abused, when the abuser says look what you've done to poor ol' me. It's enough to make you wanna scream.

I remember my mother doing this to me when I was a kid. She would vent like crazy on some trivial thing then her attitude would be like "look what you've done, I've just behaved like a madwoman. What have you got to say for yourself?"
It's like a bad joke.

 
At 4:39 AM, Anonymous Solaris said...

Just read the posts more, and realized I repeated what y'all already said. Eek. Sorry. I was in such a hurry, but I couldn't resist giving my two cents.
When I think about it a little more, I think the whole hypersensitivity act is just a way to control those around the N. It's an effective way of keeping everyone tense and wary of what the N may next.
If the whole strategy could be summed up in a sentence, I think it would be; "Control by being out of control."
Everyone who's been in a N's pathological space has walked on eggshells for them. Especially their children, poor things.
The bizarre thing about these people is that they vacillate between a cloying dependence on their victims and the need to destroy them...

 
At 6:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can someone please tell me, if this has happened? I am almost sure this man is a N. They rage and act like a idiot. It is quite shocking. As a recipent of this, I feel this person hates me or wants nothing to do with me. So, there is complete avoidance, on both of our parts. For three weeks or so and suddenly, I start seeing him around. And, when he sees me face to face, He says " Hello". Puzzling me to a huge extent. Like he does not remember doing it. Or new week, new slate. Does this sound like a N. Also, he never tells me or asks me for what he wants. He gives body language, and expects me, to know, and take all the responsibilty. Like I can read his mind, and he is entitled. So arrogant and really cocky. This guy is a Surgeon. Amazing

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

That's exactly what Ns do, and they are warning signs about that person. But it takes more than that to be sure of NPD, because anyone can have some narcissistic character traits. You can check out the Red Flags under "What is Narcissism" at the main website for some other things to go by. Usually, if you are honest and that person is a malignant narcissist, you will one day see or realize something that leaves no doubt in your mind.

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I just looked that up. This man is not my signficant other. Although, he may want the benefites. But, it has all been some sort of wierd game. Looking good would be a sign and the backwards reactions would be another. Not quite sure about the rest. But, he can't speak to me. Except really casual Hello,s. This is recent. And, he communicates through staring and messages of body language. Freaks me out, Since this guy is a wealthy good looking Surgeon. Like, something is not right. It seems, he has started this behavior after 8 years of being neighbors. We caught eyes one day, and it is like, he went insane. I am really bothered, that he is not the carefree guy, I thought he was. Another thing that he does, that really confuses me.He is so intensly and overwhelmingly attentive. Almost with a stalking quality and then he is completely avoidant. Looks at the ground, when he sees me. He may not be malignant, but somethings not right.

 
At 5:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kathy, I have been reading your stuff and it is amazing and so knowlegable. After reading it, I am seeing alot more of this man in it. Is stalking a part of this? Or driving by your house all the time? Wow, This stuff is really creepy, Thanks, Les

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

As for the stalking, others may know more than I. Without going into the details, I have good reason to believe that narcissists I have known stalked (me and others). I know that stalking is typical in cases of the bully boyfriend or husband, who are often narcissists/psychopaths. So, I suspect that stalking is part of it, when the N is "investigating" a source of Narcissistic Supply and wants information or has been abandonned and wants that person back (or wants the children back as, say, from a seperated wife). But i don't know for sure. Also, if you view malignant narcissism and psychopathy as a spectrum disorder, stalking behavior could be more at the psychopathic end, so that it does not commonly appear in most mere narcissists - only when they start to "go off the deep end" into flat-out psychopathy because they are losing all inhibitions. But again, I don't know for sure and would appreciate other comments and links on this.

 
At 5:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would be great. This is very enlighting, as I can see the projection was working. I felt guilt, like I was to attentive to this guy, and he thought that mean't I was going to sleep with him. The crazy thing is, that he never verbalized it. He just gave it through body language and expected me to do all the work. and, there were also several behaviors, that would lead me out of the wanted affair direction. I think I was fascinated, until he had the odd temper tantrum. Which reminded me, of my Autistic child. And, there was always a aura of darkness. Do they actually remember having the tantrum or do they justify it? Any info would be very helpful, so I can deal with this appropiatly

 
At 9:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't know anything about stalking, but i have spent some time wondering about whether they do their tantrums on purpose. i don't think they preplan a tantrum- it seems like they do just come out of bad air somewhere, but i think they are aware of our reactions to them and that's what gets filed away in their memory. they seem to deny the scenes later which would imply that they at least recognize that to have one is undesireable, but to admit it would be foolish i suppose. i really don't know what goes on in their head, but it does seem that they record our actions more than their own. (maybe that way they still don't have to be directly involved and therefor can deny accountability?) jt

 
At 5:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank You, and that is exactly what happened. It came out of nowhere. In fact, he tricked me, into thinking he was going to wave and be friendly, and then had the rage. Yet, I still questioned, what I did, that may have instigated it. And, I have realized, that I was not playing the designated role. Which would be, a object, used for side play. It pisses me off. Because, that is so arrogant or entitled. I can see, that they do give you a kind of intense attention, and it can be fascinating. And, scary to think, it is the root of Nsm. A personality disorder. And, after reading Kathy,s info, I am sure, both my real dad and my step dad were Ns. And, this man may have felt like home. What are some coping technigues? No contact is impossible, as we both live in a small 1 mile large City. He seems to increase his presence, when I am trying to avoid, Thanks

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

>
"Sensitive"? My a**. They aren't sensitive at all.
>
My Nmother once said, after having had a 'counseling' appointment with her pastor, "He told there is nothing wrong with me, that I'm just sensitive!"

Sensitive, yes. Empathetic, NOT!

 

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