Tuesday, February 05, 2008


What is the predator thinking? What's going on in the mystery behind those steely blue eyes? What do they see in you?

Something to love for anything but lunch?

How many tiger-tamers and lion-tamers have fooled themselves into thinking they had developed a relationship with these beasts? Fooled themselves into unknowing that every minute of every day in the cage that tiger was tempted.

That's what tiger-taming is - astounding an audience with the audacity of dangling yourself as bait before a predator.

Until one day, when out of the blue, almost off-handedly, Tiger hops down off the pedestal and eats the tamer to just be done with it already.

How many times have authorities similarly fooled themselves about a child molester, rapist, or serial killer - thinking they can safely be released from prison? Then, out on the street, bait is constantly dangled before their eyes.

Sooner or later....

One might as well expect a wolf to be lovey-dovey with lambs or expect that tiger to roam the streets without hurting anyone. It ain't gonna happen.

It's all because of the way a predator VIEWS you. There is no connection in that look. It's a tiger and you aren't - you are lunch.

A narcissist has no proper relationship with him- or her-self (N's identify with their image instead of their buried inner selves), so how can they have a proper human relationship with anyone else? They see nothing to identify with in you.

Predators - the way to deal with them is simply to get and stay a safe distance away from them. They may resist the temptation today, but if you keep dangling bait before their eyes, sooner or later you know what is going to happen.

So let no one tell you it's mean to divorce one or cut off contact with one. I don't care how much the narcissist cries about it or even if he or she threatens suicide if you leave. People might as well tell you that you have a moral obligation to remain within striking distance of a great white shark because it's mean to stay away and let it go hungry. Absurd. A predator has no RIGHT to prey, no claim on your life that you must fulfill by allowing them to use you as their whipping boy.

It's just too bad that they will be sad and unhappy without one, because that's THEIR problem: you have a right to pursue your own happiness.

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At 9:01 PM, Blogger sonicido said...

I found out the hard way, that wild animals can not be tamed just like any predatory animal. They will NEVER become domestic and live in harmony with humans.
When I was a teen, I did not believe my dad that a raccoon, (soooo CUTE and sweet when young) could not be tamed. I took an orphan in for a local zoo and I'm telling you, the day he decided he was NOT my friend, I sure found out. And imagine...after all those weeks and months of nursing him, rocking him like a baby, taking him everywhere!
He raised up on his hind legs and came at me like a mountain lion!! and all I did was say "Good Morning Rascal!".
He was cast into the wild THAT DAY.

Gee, I wish I'd done that to my ex the first time he pulled the same crap on me!

At 7:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it possible that the patriarchal system is an open door for narcissism? The man not only pays the bills but also has to make critical decisions for the whole family. That man has so much responsibility and pressure because the woman is trained to lay down all her talents and dreams to be his helpmeet. If that need for dependancy is eliminated then maybe the need to control will not be an issue. We must get to the root of how we as a society is creating this monster so we don't feed into it.

At 10:20 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

Society makes a handy scapegoat, especially for those who want an excuse to regulate it. But society isn't "creating this monster." The narcissist him- or her-self does.

The features of any society can and will be exploited by narcissists. In one society the narc twists things one way, and in another society he or she twists them another way. Whatever works. Any unfairness or bigotry that's current in their environment, they will use.

Many narcissists are women, and many authorities now admit that NPD is grossly underdiagnosed in women. So, how do you blame them on society?

It's like the line that crime is caused by poverty. But many psychopaths come from wonderful homes in the middle or upper class. How do you blame their crimes on poverty?

Plus, Western Society is no jungle of caste, sexism, and racism. Most women are no longer dependent on their husbands, as the divorce rate proves. Those attitudes are no longer acceptible. Do not our ides of equality "feed in" to slay this dragon? So, why is NPD as prevalent as ever?

Don't westerners have right to think for themselves? Cannot the victim do this and decide to NOT put up with abuse just to be politically correct?

This isn't to say that social ills shouldn't be addressed, because they do help create an environment that favors the N and pressures a victim who cares too much about what others think knuckle under to abuse. I think that by all means we should tackle anything in our society that facilitates abuse.

But blaming everyone/society for what the narc or the victim does just avoids blaming the responsible party. As I've said elsewhere, the need to make the narcissist not bad results in the paradox of making the whole soiety bad instead.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger sonicido said...

That is a very good point, Kathy. I never looked at it that way until I met you. I mean, I knew what he does is "wrong", but I took a lot of the blame. I blamed my choices to focus on my family and not on a career. This caused my older children to blame me still today.

I have friends who submit and dote on their husbands even more so than I ever did. They have never had a career other than home schooling their children and making their home a sanctuary for their families and anyone who visits.

And what do the get in return? Loving, doting husbands. Decent vehicles, great homes, and honesty about the budget. Low stress, no mind games, no being lied to about, "being broke". They don't have look for hidden accounts, or hire a private investigator.

When you have two stable people: loving, doting, and sacrifice, works both ways.

And it does happen.

At 2:53 AM, Anonymous Lynn said...

I read a newspaper article the other day (on-line US one) where the writer had written words to the effect, "The victim was studied ad nauseum for many years until some bright spark decided they ought to be looking at the abuser instead."

Another one from Lundy Bancroft, "Society looks towards the victim to see if there's something wrong, because if there isn't society is forced to look at the uncomfortable realisation that abuse can happen to anyone."

It's the same with the 7.13am anonymous poster looking towards some society system that is to blame for 'creating' narcissists, he/she mentions that because some families operate under a patriarchal society that there's a 'need for dependency' from the other party.

I am in agreeance that our society in it's endeavour to create more wealth and power for ourselves that in that sense narcs are encouraged, but on that level it has nothing to do with abusing intimate partners. Ambition and malig narc is not to be confused, they are different.

However, it really is about time we stopped searching for answers in the victims and in our society systems. The blame for abusive behaviour rests with those that carry it out. Full stop.

At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I find so twisted about narcissists is that they prey on their offspring. Even natural predators such as lions do not do that.

It's true that male lions will kill lion cubs that are not theirs, but they will protect their own pride.


At 8:43 PM, Blogger So, what IS in a heart? said...

"What I find so twisted about narcissists is that they prey on their offspring."

That's because most "Ns are cowards and are easily intimidated" (at least according to Vaknin). Lions are, well, lions.

At 7:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

....like a great white shark!!!!!!


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