Welcome to the Narcissist's World - Part 3
Welcome yet again to the narcissist's world - the wonderland Alice found herself in when she fell down a rabbit hole on a psychedelic trip. This is the third and last post in a series that gives a simple example of the games narcissists play.
Our hypothetical malignant narcissist is a woman named Jean. Jean exploits her interactions with a friend solely for attention. That is, she milks all the attention she can get during her phone chats with you, trying to deny you any of her attention in return. In other words, she's gotta have it all. And you are nothing but source for this tick to tap for it.
She uses you as a mirror to admire her reflection in. She views these interactions with you – these phone conversations – as nothing but material for the work of fiction about her life that her whole life amounts to an act of composing.
Now, in Part 3 here, let's consider how these chats themselves become part of the story.
My experience, and what I've heard from others about their narcissists, makes me think that narcissists try to conceal from you what they are making out of these chats. But sooner or later, their delusion will leak through in something they say. For example, though she always calls you, she may talk as though you are the one calling her and warn you that she will be too busy for you tommorrow morning, so please don't try to call her then.
When Jean does let something bizarre like this slip, giving you evidence that she is halucinating, you will be shocked. You will have to pinch yourself. You will surely wonder which of you is crazy. For, you will discover that in the Jean's version of these chats, YOU are the one calling HER all the time, SHE is the one who can't get a word in edgewise, and YOU are the one who "needs someone to talk to."
How magnanimous of her to "be there for you."
See how that is just more of the same old same old? She is thus using these chats themselves as material in which to carve out a false image of herself - to fight off self-awareness of her own neediness. In other words, she's projecting her neediness off onto you and misappropriating to herself your gracious tolerance of her four-hour-long readings of My Life by Jean.
Even if she hasn't yet let the fiction going on in her head slip to you, you can check it out. Investigate. Find out from others what Jean says to them about her "relationship" with you. You'll discover that your phone chats with her are part of the work of fiction Jean composes as My Life by editing reality on the fly. In her story, you will be a rather pathetic character, a mere caricature of yourself, some poor wretch "who needs someone to talk to" that Jean so graciously listens to for hours on end.
Jean doesn't care what she does to your good name in falsifying hers. What's it to her?
The consequences to you are no consideration in her conduct, because she thinks that's what other people are there for – for her to use as one would use a mere object, like a tick uses a deer, a bee uses a flower, a wolf uses a sheep, a human uses livestock.
She can do that because she doesn't identify with human beings. She is a god who doesn't view us inferior beings as of her kind. How could she? She doesn't view herself as human. She doesn't identify with her true self. She identifies with a fictional character instead. A mere figment of the imagination, a mere reflection in the mirrors of people's faces. She desperately fights off any awareness of her true self and any empathy for you.
To pretend that you are the one who "needs someone to talk to," Jean game-plays to manipulate you into calling her. If necessary, she will initiate contact, showering attentions and flattery on you. But when she succeeds in getting you to call her regularly, she will suddenly stop calling you. The next thing you know, you sense the game-playing. She is denying you even the tiny bit of ego gratification that would come from HER ever condescending to call YOU.
Nonetheless, when you call her, you don't even get out your first sentence to state the reason for your call before she butts in and, assuming that it was just to hear all about her, Jean launches into the latest four-hour-long installment of My Life by Jean.
Jean is not your friend. Friendly relationships are mutual in that both parties to the relationship benefit. Your relationship isn't even commensal, in which the freeloader benefits but the host is unharmed. It is a wholly parasitic relationship, in which the parasite benefits at the host's expense.
That is why contact with narcissists (after they're done cultivating you as a source of narcissistic supply) makes you feel bad. You get no gratification, no gratification at all, ever, because a narcissist has gotta have it all and will compete to the death with you for every last drop of it.
And you can talk to them till you're blue in the face: they will NEVER give in and cut it out. Why? Because imagine what having to do that would do to their precious delusions. It would be an unbearably humiliating come-down for such gods as these. They'd rather die. Because narcissists are mental three-year-olds, thoroughly spoiled ones who will just "block the kick" by throwing a temper tantrum at you to have their way.
narcissistic personality disorder narcissism