Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pathologizing and Treating the Victim Instead of the Narcissist

When confronted with the facts about the mental healthcare industry, many people are justifiably skeptical, asking, "Now why would they do that?"

That's a fair question, because the answer isn't obvious. This post will explain what is going on.

Let's say that you are a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other clinical therapist. While you're hanging out your shingle, you're thinking, "I wonder how many psychopaths and other malignant narcissists there are in this community."

Let's say that your best guess is about 10.

The trouble with them is that treating them is a PITA. They make you angry with their constant put-downs and game-playing. You get nowhere with them. And you must work hard to work with them at all. There is no drug you can just prescribe and say, "Come back and see me next month." So, the drug companies lose interest in you if you treat these patients. Your clinic isn't happy, either.

The only time narcissists are candidates for drugs is when in a very rare life crisis, which depresses them and often makes them lose control of a drug or alcohol habit. But that doesn't last long. They find a new host to parasitize and are problems anymore.

Hmmm. Not much reward in treating them, is there? In fact, it IS a fact, that most mental healthcare professionals will not treat psychopaths and other narcissists. They just say that nothing can be done for them.

But wait - look. Every narcissist has a trail of victims in his or her wake. Psychologically injured victims. The pupils of your eyeballs turn into dollar signs $$.

If the narcissist has risen to a position of administrative power, these victims might number in the dozens (sometimes many dozens) of people who have have been calumniated, fired, blackballed, and made permanently unemployable - having lost their families and all their friends as a result. Even the narcissist who is but a laborer has 10 or so family members, close friends, co-workers, and neighbors trampled and writhing in agony in his wake.

For your 10 narcissists then, the victim list is 100-200 people! More lucrative math, eh?

And these are people who are already down. They have been browbeat mercilessly with the brainwashing that they are defective. In other words, they are at least half-convinced that they are mentally ill already, and all you must do is reinforce that notion. That's easy, if you make-believe it yourself.

Just act like their savaged FEELINGS are a mental illness. Act like they are crazy if they don't lay down for it and act like it never happened. You guys can make anything - ANYTHING - sound like a mental illness.

The narcissist refuses to believe that he's sick and refuses to cooperate, but these people trust you and can easily be persuaded that something is wrong with them (so long as you say it with a sympathetic look on your face) and will conscientiously cooperate to improve themselves by going along with whatever you say. Indeed, if nothing else, they'll experience a placebo effect.

They need someone to listen, someone to think they aren't so bad, and they think you're IT. They will cling to you, so long as you put on what they most need - a sympathetic face.

These people are, of course, oppressed and therefore depressed, so you can prescribe drugs to your heart's content. Narcissists put up with treatment only for a short time - until they find a new host to parasitize, but the victims of narcissists can be kept in your appointment book for life if you play your hand right.

Enter "codependency disorder." A way for mental healthcare professionals to capitalize on the harm a narcissist does. Exploiting the victims.

Because it is much easier and more profitable to blame and pathologize the victim in the name of "treatment" than it is to do anything about the victimizer.

Follow the Money

Health insurance companies pay for physical healthcare. They began doing so in the 20th century, after medicine began to strictly adhere to science and to scientific standards for establishing the existence of a disease and the safety and effectiveness of standardized treatments for it. You can imagine what would happen if the insurance companies had to pay for the wares of snake-oil salesmen and treatments of quacks.

But that is exactly what they would be doing if forced to pay for mental healthcare. The DSM has more than tripled the "official" list of mental illnesses, from 107 in DSM-I to 365 in DSM-IV. That makes 365 billable diagnoses by any clinician who can find something in the DSM to label you with. My favorite is the personality disorder next to the check box named "other," a very popular diagnosis.

One must have been born yesterday not to see right through this racket.

Not one "mental illness" has an established etiology (cause) or has been proven to exist. The rest of medicine cannot charge you money for treating such hypothetical conditions and diseases with hypothetical treatments. So why should the mental healthcare industry be able to get away with that?

For example, homosexuality used to be on the list of mental illnesses but was removed when that idea became politically incorrect. The reverse happened with cigarette smoking, which now is officially a mental illness that you can charge for treatment of.

Nor have the vast majority of treatments and drugs been proved either safe or effective. In fact, even paranormal "illnesses" and treatments pass for legitimate mental health care!

In other words, unlike other branches of medicine, mental health is still plagued by snake oil salesmen and quacks.

The bottom line is the bottom line: See the book, Making Us All Crazy, by Herb Kutchins. The DSM applies the language of mental illness to everyday behavior, transforming ordinary reactions to life's vicissitudes into BILLABLE pathology.

In Congress, the same faction that constantly speaks of the "evil" drug companies is being lobbied by them (in league with clinical academia and the APA) to force health insurance companies to pay for mental healthcare. The hypocrites. In bed with the same entity they call evil in any other context.

Can you imagine what that would do to health insurance premiums? In fact, one large reason for the sky-high premiums now is the fact that more and more mental healthcare is being covered under some private plans. Like the colleges, the more money the clinicians and drug companies suck, the higher they mercilessly jack their prices to suck whatever price the market will bear.

So, long as people can't get the bright idea to control COSTS, and are under the spell of the screamers who say the answer to take ever more money from the rich to pay for the rest of us - so long as this stupidity reigns, it perpetuates the skyrocketing vicious cycle that threatens to take down the nation's economy within the next 20 years.

The mental health clinicians, clinical mental health professors, and the big deals in the APA laugh at the real scientists and researchers among them, just like MDs laughed at Louis Pasteur when he proved that germs exist and cause disease, trying to get them to wash their hands before surgery. They scoffed, because they just knew better, you see: they were (say the word in a breathy tone) doctors.

And so, today, this branch of medicine needs a housecleaning from top to bottom (one that establishes it firmly on the foundation of real science) rather like the rest of medicine underwent in the last century.

There you have it - why the mental healthcare industry does what it is doing and lacks credibility. This chicanery undermines the entire industry, even those clinicians who are not just mediocre parrots and really are delivering helpful counseling.

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At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kathy, it's such a relief to hear what you have to say about the "mental health" industry. I agree - what a racket, a total con game! I think the con is even more diabolical because it's orchestrated by narcissists. The very type of evil scum that forced people to seek treatment in the first place are then cashing-in from messing with people further. My experience with these quacks is that 9 out of 10 are narcissists. Psychiatry is the perfect profession for the malignant narcissists. They have free reign to manipulate vulnerable people in their own private settings while putting themselves in a superior position of all mighty all knowing King or Queen. Even the pysicality of the setting demands narcissistic supply as some of these freaks have their patients literally lay down at their feet while they sit upright in their thrones making judgements. The worst experience I had with a narcissistic shrinks was one in which the creep had me lay down on a sofa. The back of my head was parallel to his feet that he put up on a foot stool. My head/mind was equal proximity to his feet! It's all so obviously deranged! I think we will one day look back at this profession as the wizards and warlocks of our time. Psychiatry is nothing more than sheer sorcery and witchcraft.

I am so very grateful for your advocacy of normal adult children of narcissists. For the first time in my life, I feel heard and my feelings and experiences validated. Thank you Kathy!

At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what IS the answer ? Ns do wreak havoc with the mental well being of their families. they have perfected their craft- and are crafty at it- to a degree that they 'cant be caught'. i have found that support groups help to identify what we struggle individually to define. but the healing part is still so tricky.
anyhow-this post of yours reminds me of experience ive had...raising a larger family over the last 20 some years, i have seen changes in insurance and bills--having an older child 'get in trouble' i had to seek 'counseling' for that child- sad that my first concern was cost. anyhow,to my relief at the time i was 'pleased' at how little (in comparison) the 'mental health care' cost compared to the physical health care for the other kids. i recall half quiping half serious to people "next time your kid gets sick, just say its 'all in their head' and it will cost less !

At 10:36 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

"Ns do wreak havoc with the mental well being of their families."

What's that supposed to mean? That if an N is in your family you are mentally ill? Speak for yourself. That's the implication. Do you hear yourself?

That's all the proof you need that the victim is mentally ill?

An invalid argument.

Another invalid argument: What's with the canard about cost? Just talking and prescribing to a patient doesn't cost nearly as much as running lab tests, sterile technique, and all the other other expensive things serious medicine does.

Your canard is irrelevant, because what matters is how much money the healthcare professional makes. Do psychiatrists make any less than other doctors?

"i have found that support groups help to identify what we struggle individually to define."

I would use my own head and not let them do that if I were you.

At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i didnt say mental health- i said mental well being. should i have said emotional well being ? it is all so confusing at times. i have gone through so much analyzing and grieving and hurt and frustration and anger and stress because of all the stupid insidious games that freakin n has played on us- that yes- at times i really do feel that my mental health has suffered. i dont like the word victim anymore- sometimes it fit before- but now i just dont know what to call it anymore. my whole family has paid-and i dont mean money- for all the weird effects the n has had. i posted before i read the previous posts- sorry. it is different for children of ns vs spouses. kathy- its just such a big can of worms !!! i havent had negative experiences yet with the "professionals" or with any of the support groups--it sounds like those CAN and indeed are damaging at times too. but where-WHERE CAN people go to get help ??? and rereading what i wrote- i can punch holes in it too. i didnt express myself well- im just struggling so hard with so much right now- wish i would have read more and thought more before i spoke.i AM puzzled by the whole "industry" that makes money off all this.i wasnt trying to be cute or flippant- i was very frustrated by it all...i just dont know where to turn for help anymore......

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

I hear you. Maybe others will comment with suggestions. You might also check out these links at the main site:

Resources for the Abused.

At 11:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thankyou. i have. im just so concerned for the kids. i feel drained as the spouse. i feel -well-way too many things all at once- when it comes to the kids. this is so overwhelming i can hardly keep from crying.

At 9:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Anon:

I would start by reading.
Kathy's site and book are great, Sam V for understanding Ns BUT PLEASE PLEASE realize he is an N.
I ignore his stuff on victims of N, and many MSN,Yahoo support groups are run by him or his proxies. They can be good to read, but the control the moderators wield and claim is disturbing. I apply the old adage "Take what you can use, and leave the rest."

VERY FEW people understand NPD, so few, so I try and only speak to those who get it- otherwise you get bad advice, opnions etc.

Here's what works for me: No Contact,if not possible limit your contact, have no expectations and
remember always they are psychopaths. Do not trust them.
Mkae them accountable for all they do and do not back down. I repeat No Contact if at all possible.

As far as kids, they understand truth. Try and be truthful- age appropriate truth. They know what bullies are I bet, explain how you manage a bully. And remember you are not sick, they are evil or in laymans terms they have a "personality disorder."

This is what they choose to do.
I also pray.

At 11:53 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

I think that's excellent advice. And I agree about Vaknin. What he says about narcissists themselves usually (almost always) rings true to me. Though he does seem to have an inflated estimate of their intelligence ;-)

But what should we expect: he's an N. In fact I used to have an inflated estimate of their intelligence myself.

But when he's talking about others, his credibility drops off and he is often wrong. The NPD is motivating him the wrong way.

It's one thing for him to honestly try to understand himself (for he has made himself famous for doing that), but quite another thing for him to view his victims accurately. In fact, regarding the victim, the "authorities" encouraging his ideas.

At 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My ex is an extremely wierd and malevolent narcissist. The manipulations were totaly bizaare and stranger than fiction. Clergy, therapists and judges all fell over themselves giving him many chances to do his damage to me and our children. Fortunately my children are grown now, and although hurt they are recovering. I have great faith in an individual's ability to overcome and not only survive such problems but have a good life.
There was one counselor that helped me and got me through it. With all the support he gave me there was one thing he said about what happened in my marriage that showed he didn't fully understand narcissists. When discussing what had happened to my marriage my therapist said that some of it was my fault. Coming from the only person helping me, that remark cut like a knife. Why does the psychology profession insist on blaming the victim of the N? Was I supposed to be born knowing how to handle narcissists? That is like saying that I should also know how to stop a mugger carrying a gun. My children and I escaped the grip of the malignant narcissist. I pray for all the people that are right now being tortured by them. Sometimes the struggle seems overwelming but keep up the fight and you will succeed. Thank you Kathy.

At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Christmas at last! here...

I'm glad you replied to Kathy's response to you.

You are quite right: knowing which are the accurate words to describe our feelings and lack of ability to think clearly at times, is one of problems we have in the beginning.

I'm hoping this blog of Kathy's will help me gain a newer (?) and/or more accurate vocabulary.

I only discovered this blog yesterday and here I am back again!

I have only very recently been referred to a Cognitive-behaviour Therapist: I have post-traumatic stress disorder.

It was my new counsellor that took me seriously about my Dad.

He died a year ago, and I'm contesting his will through the courts. The money that I'm legally entitled to as inheritance would come in really, really, useful.

Still, that's not why I'm doing it.
I'm doing it to clear my name and to put the blame squarely where it belongs!

I'm doing it so that other members of my family will be able to get hold of the court transscripts and read the truth, in the hope that the truth will help them understand much of the ugliness and evil that has been, and is still being, inflicted on us.

My new counsellor had suggested about three weeks ago that I google "Malignant Narcissism" on the internet and do some reading...

First cab off the rank was Kathy's blog.

Anonymous, I was relieved to read in your second post that your Malignant Narcissist is already your ex.

Keep it that way.

I wholeheartedly agree with 'anonymous' who replied to you as 'Anon':

"Remember always: they are psycopaths. Do not trust them."

This court case I'm going for is already very stressful for me since in order to win I must recall a great deal of unpleasantry (such a gross understatement).

That's what's triggering off the PTSD.

But my Dad knew that would happen...
He set the whole 'scenario' up over 15 years ago.

He knew I'd want to clear my own name. He knew I'd want to 'fight the good fight'. He knew I'd want to warn other members of my family in the hope they would get free.

That's why he was so clever, see?

He was just a stupid, stupid, man.

I don't need his 'filthy lucre'.
I can leave the case alone whenever I chose.

Guess what?
I just got me a pretty good therapist for FREE (the Federal Government's picking up the tab.)

She has decades of experience in working with psycopaths, sadists, malignant and (allegedly non-malignant) narcissists and their victims.

She suggested I get on the net and get an education...

Here I am.

And the Government will continue to pay for the help I'm getting even if I choose to drop the court case: my choice.

Do tell your children the truth. Please.

They will gain in understanding as the years go by. They will know they can trust you. That's so very important for children.

I knew from when I was about three years old that I couldn't trust my Mum.

Little kids shouldn't have to live their lives always protecting one parent from the other one.

It just doesn't stop.

I'm 56 years old now.
That's a long time as 'someone's dupe'.

Both my parents are dead and I'm delighted. Never thought I'd be glad my Mum was dead...

I have three siblings: none of whom I can trust.

Nonetheless: my future's looking good.

(It's just my past that's looks abysmal.)

Spare yourself and your children what the Good Guys in my family have been through.

My very best wishes to you. XXX

At 9:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wrote the first post and I would like to add to my comment.

There is nothing wrong with me. I do not have a "problem" that requires treatment. What I have had is a painful "experience" growing up in a home of malignant narcissists who tried to trash my mind and crush my spirit. In my search for understanding, support and answers to my destructive upbringing I soon discovered an equally disturbing mind-set. The mental health profession, 12-step and support groups are hell bent on blaming the victim. I wasn't buying what they were selling. There was no way I would hold myself responsible for another's heinous crimes against me. I wasn't going to be re-victimized by the same warped thinking that harmed me in the first place. I saw the cycle of narcissistic abuse live on in these so-called "safe" havens for victims. The same evil I escaped from was running rampant in the very places I looked to for comfort. I witnessed a cost to human dignity at the hands of these incompetent organizations. My long quest for answers continued and I finally found truth, justice, understanding and support expressed by intelligent writers like Kathy who have lived it. Narcissists are a plague on the "human" mind, body and spirit and we must all learn to heed their evil impulses, fight back with a vengeance and show them NO mercy. My quest for answers may have ended but my battle against narcissists rages on. Kathy, your work is invaluable and has brought me peace of mind. Thank you!

At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my husband is a narcissist only i didnt start reading about the subject til 2 years ago-when he really started getting weird. i have no specific evidence i can prove to anyone else. he's never hit or thrown things or broken anything. he appears to be a good citizen, valuable employee, blah blah blah...he's been passive aggressive for a long time-something in his psyche increased the verbal and emotional abuse that i took and covered for for years-and when i saw him starting to be more sarcastic towards the kids with that stupid excuse of "humor" and when he got more direct with his animosity towards me- i sought help. i have been struggling with so many questions as to how to handle family life. so many different opinions on how or whether or when or if to tell the kids what i think about what i observe. its easy for ME to project onto them assuming if i feel hurt and confused and angry then they must too. i want to spare them the agonizing i have done. i want to tell them what i think in order to compare notes and observations. i want them to stop shrugging him off like ive done. i want them to have knowledge and understanding and definitions earlier than i did. so maybe it wont effect them as deeply as it has me. i like that you say tell them "in age appropriate language" but timing is critical. too much too soon does damage rather than good. but one of my fears im becoming more aware of that as time passes our family feels like it is disintegrating. we dont communicate well (of course because one parent is twisted and one is trying to remain healthy) everyone is forming their own opinions without talking. loyalties are splitting. confusion all around. parents are ideally on the same team united. in my house i have detached and minimized contact with him to a ridiculous degree. if i were testing him- i have proof he didnt really care about me. i was just n supply. but now that i have distanced myself and begun my recovery and healing- he- of course is 'grooming' the kids as replacements. he's being attentive and fun and "involved" in their eyes- only i see it clearly. he still doesnt "know" them and what they do and who they know. he's just putting on a major act. and it creeps me out that they seem to be buying it. if i point it out they think im the bad guy. if i "sit back" and "let it happen" then im guilty of abandoning them. if i wait it out they may some day question me why i didnt help. and thats what my question was too- to everyone-- how do i prevent my kids from thinking i failed them. that i bailed on them. that i contributed to the problem. or that i neglected so much. i havent done much reading on the perspective from kids/adult kids towards their parents. i care so much !!! (really kids i DO!! but i just dont know how to do this any better than i am) we all seem to view his abuse in different ways. hell- for the longest time I I I didnt even call it abuse. i know they shrug it off as 'oh thats just how he is' and they dont know any different. I I I see him changing. i have been raged at one too many times (there havent been many- but they were more intense each time). apparently he hasnt truly raged at them like what i have been privy to w/o witnesses. i remember things now in a new light. and i am so suspicious of some of his new but odd behaviors and i can see he's up to something. i truly no longer trust him. but it is lonely and strange in many ways feeling like the only one. i so wish i knew how my kids were thinking- how they interpret (or blow off !) what us parents do and dont do. i wish i knew how they were truly being affected. i wish i knew what to do differently.

At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Anonumous,

About an N. and you're child'ren.

He will use the child'ren and he will do his utmost to fight you with them. So..why step in that trap? Don't fight with you're child'ren, don't fight with him! Never say a bad thing about their father, if they not ready for it, because an N. will use it against you in a sneaky way. It will blow up in you're face. Don't give an N. that satisfaction!

Go you're own way. You're strong, otherwise you couldn't have been so long with an N.! Believe me, only strong people can do it for a long time.

Child'ren with an N. parent unfortunately have to come to a point that they themselves make the choice. We, can't force it. How long did it take for us, as partners, to see? Give them time!
Relax, it will be oke, maybe not tomorrow but than somewhere in time. But never let yourselves pull in the games an N. playes. The child'ren who don't want to see, will get be backfired soon enough if he doesn't get any reaction from you. Than be there for them.

As long as you are upset by the games an N. is playing, you're still the toy. Don't let that be done to you, enough is enough.

Go for you're own life. Threat youself well, be kind to yourself. You deserve it. But you alone can do it for yourself! Use you're willpower, for a long time used for the N., now for yourself. He is not worth it, you are!

And yes, NO contact!!!! As time goes by, you will feel safe and gain power and rest. It will clear you're mind.

Wish you all the best.

Been there and believe me, there is life after!!!!


Be sad, cry, feel anger it will help you to become strong.

At 7:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thankyou. that helps. i feel understood cuz i cried a little-which hardly ever happens and does feel kinda good. thankyou.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Jeannette Altes said...

JTB: "Be sad, cry, feel anger it will help you to become strong."

Yeah. I am just beginning to learn, finally, that it is okay to feel. In the course of growing up with an MN mother an an emotionally absent father (well, not totally emotionally absent - he was well able to show anger and disappointment), it was ingrained in me that all "excessive" emotions were inherently bad and that the negative ones were down right evil. If I felt anger or grief (told to 'get over it' when my grandmother died - I was 8) or hurt, this was a flaw in me. I came to believe that just FEELING these things showed that I was flawed and hence, not good enough.

I am only now beginning (at 44) to realize that emotions are tools, not sins, and that they are valuable. I am coming to understand that I have to feel the pain and the anger or I will never be able to let go of them. The pain is less scary than the anger. It is more familiar and easier to hide. But the anger is beginning to surface. And I agree completely: be sad, cry, feel anger. These will help you be strong - help you heal - help you walk away and not look back.

At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i feel understood cuz i cried a little-which hardly ever happens

dear anonymous, that's something I remember, I hardly cried, could take everything, so it sounds familiair. But you know, it is better to cry and please it is even better to do it with sound, throw it out, it will come from you're feet, let it happen! It is necessary.

and Katherin Gun ...
yeah we are so used to feel pain, aren't we? We are conditioned that way. But realize, that is not normal, it is in fact unhuman and has nothing to do with normal functioning. So stand up for yourself and you're emotions, we are not born for nothing with it!

Good luck both of you, you will find happiness, at last!


At 5:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks you guys. it helps to be told this. i thought my kids were just mellow. but recently ive started wondering just what kind of an effect our n HAS had on us. im realizing i have 'hidden' my emotions because i got tired of being 'gently' ridiculed. now that i have some additional friends i am starting to 'show' more of my real self to them and im realizing how stifled i have been. one of my older kids who has spent time away from home is starting to verbalize some of the emotions she had as a kid- that never got demonstrated. at first i felt guilty slighted and concerned id done something wrong to cause it for my kids-maybe they learned from watching me to stifle and put up. the good thing is they have a good sense of reasoning and conduct themselves with grace every where else. but now im starting to understand the downside of repressing too much--it doesnt go away... thankyou for this forum where we can get input from each other

At 7:51 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

The important thing is that your kids don't feel it is taboo to acknowledge the elephant in the middle of the room. As they get older, you can invite them to reveal how they feel about their N parent treats them. You will find out where they are then. Once that elephant has been acknowledged, it will be easier (and possible) for you to say whatever you need to say.

At 9:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

youre input is valued and appreciated immensely. ive been patient so far and will continue to be--thanks to everyone's encouragement. its healing and helpful to have this place to turn to when im not strong enough on my own. thankyou.

At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cigarette smoking a mental illness? I thought it was a choice!

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Thee Erin said...

My heart goes out to that rare psychologist-or-what-have-you who DOES understand what an N-victim looks like and knows how to proceed.

For a fictionalized account of this rarity, I recommend the 1980 movie "Ordinary People." Mary Tyler Moore plays the part of an N-Mom to a T.

The part of the mental health professional treating the family victims of her N-rage is filmed so that the viewing audience is in the moment with each realization that this N-mom is not what she appears to be.

What I appreciated is how one N-victim is shown to be equally abused by the N and by the pathologizing mental health system before haphazardly having an outpatient appointment with a doctor who picks-up on the N vs. supply dynamic that is so often hidden by the ensuing chaos.

Check it out ...

At 3:04 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Thanks rin, will do!

At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spot on!

I mentioned the word "narcissist" to a therapist and she never again returned my calls or e-mails. It was in reference to my husband.

I think any profession is great for narcissists. It gives them a great way to control others, have the aura of respectability and gives them instant status.

My husband (a narcissist who hopefully will not be my husband much longer) used to say, "in the old west, the strong controlled the weak, the smart controlled the strong, but who was out of control of everyone? The insane."
I think he was revealing a bit more to me than I realized at the time.

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

aaahhh, the so-called mental health professionals and them dealing with abuse, let alone the cunning that a confirmed NPD will do. Been there, done that. Our first counsellor told me I wasn't telling him I loved him enough. I was told to put my arms around him and cuddle him even when he was spitting vile comments at me, or shunning me in a sulk-fest. According to her, the poor dear was feeling hurt and in pain and lonely.

Bah! Her advice extended my misery for another 4 more years. What a balls up of a mess that psychologist was. She didn't know jack-shit! When I told her that doing that made him worse, (which everyone here knows what I'm talking about) she said I wasn't doing it what???!!! Yeah, right, keep on doing something that doesn't work....huh?

I stopped seeing her, sacked her after 4 sessions, I was ready to punch her lights out, to be honest.

It wasn't until I sought counselling for myself to deal with all the horrible stuff that he did, and the nurse said to me, "It's abuse. Pure and simple. Go to a domestic violence support group, they'll help."

And help they did. They were brilliant.

In the meantime, my partner had promoted himself to seeing a psychiatrist, who gave him medication because they'd convinced each other that he was bi-polar! When I rang the psychiatrist to try and ascertain the drugs my partner was on, I was fobbed off with 'privacy laws'. The psychiatrist hung up on me. I suspect that he didn't want anything to do with my partner as he'd at least given him a diagnosis of NPD.

Anyway, the N in the family, does mess with their family members head and emotional well-being. It's their calling card. Now with anonymous at 10.04pm, I understood what you meant, I know where you are coming from. The shame of it is, is that by the time we often seek help our capacity to be 'level-headed' has left us, we have been operating under such stress and survival mode for so long that we can't think straight.

But it only takes 1 professional person, in my experience a women's group with a feminist social worker who has specialised in women's shelters, to bring us right back up again. Rebuilding ourselves can happen quickly, given the right professional resources.

The shame of the whole professional system is that most of those who deem themselves 'therapists' are NOT experienced with abuse in any form, they don't have a clue. And coz an N in therapy does not give them any feedback, and their partners do, then it's the partners that come across as 'highly strung' and little wonder, given the abysmal treatment the 'victims' are given.

But, at the end of all this, it is only the N that has the pathology on a permanent basis, not his family, partner or other close relatives, they can fix their thinking and behaviour and regain themselves.


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