Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Carnival of Absurdity

Here is a true story that illustrates the nature of a narcissist.

A woman who is a malignant narcissist, cannot tolerate a bad word about their narcissistic father from a sister or brother. Ironically, while growing up, this woman had the most animosity for him and had him pegged. He was extremely weird, but the day his wife died and he became dependent and his home and property became obtainable by controlling him, her opinion of him went upside down.

Afterwards, even long after his death, she used to go on and on singing his praises as though he were perfectly normal instead of crazy and filled to the brim with consealed ill will - expecting her sister to listen to this fiction about him without comment. This sister felt, quite accurately, that she was being manipulated into supporting her narcissistic sister's fantasy, and being forced into dishonesty by letting these lies pass – which is a tacit statement that one believes they are true.

So the sister began correcting the narcissist every time the narcissist recounted history falsely, especially about their father.

The narcissist made a federal case of this, twisting it into some sort of "harrassment." As is commonly reported by others about narcissists, she at times even threatened to call the police over someone ANSWERING things she had said. Obviously, narcissists want their unanswered say, and when they tell you to shut up with your answer to their assertion that the sky is purple, they think you must or they have the right to call the police on you for "harrassment."

I kid you not. I have seen this carnival of absurdity myself.

Here is what the sister answered her narcissistic sister (emphasis mine):

YOU are the one who has to shut up. Shut up about Dad if you don't want me contradicting the false things you say about him. That's all you have to do to get silence from me about him. But if you think that you are going to make me play along with your game of pretend, you've got another think coming. Every time you paint him as a saint, I will be honest and correct your lie. I don't care how mad you get.

In fact, shut up about anything you don't want me contradicting your lies about. So, long as you don't try to make me a party to your imagination, I don't care. You can pretend anything all you want. But when you try to make me play along with your fantasies, you get me saying the TRUTH instead. Every single time.

There. I am not some flat character in novel you are writing. I will not be controlled by you. I will not support your delusions by pretending with you that X was anything but mean horse's ass. So, don't blab on to me about what a saint you imagine he was if you don't want me to correct you about that.

That makes it pretty clear what is going on. You validate their delusion by not contradicting it, even when they shove it in your face.

Which is WHY they shove it in your face. They use your fear of their temper to suppress you.

But what if you tell the N that you don't care how mad she gets? Then what's an N gonna do?

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At 5:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so thankful I found your website. I wish I'd know about this disorder years ago. It would have saved me much pain and suffering. My N is a classic case. For example, we are currently going through a very messy dissolution of property and assets. He insists that we will not put the house on the market because HE has the right to own it and HE will determine the FAIR value to pay me for my share. He has also stated that he will represent himself in court should it come to that (this is Ted Bundy country). He is completely without empathy, is arrogant, has belittled my friends and family, has cut me off from others and has gotten my email list and is sending this message ".... is a very sick person, and I no longer want to be around." He has found a new "supplier" which is only making it worse on me, as I think the new SO is also a narcissist. They have ganged up against me. I have a therapist and an attorney.
I'm working on getting out, but it is very difficult. He is like the Tar Baby. The more I struggle, the more I get stuck. Any advice?

At 6:32 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

I wish i had some. I do know that experience dealing with narcissists is crucial in an attorney. The attorney just must know what he or she is up against in a narcissist - what's behind the mask. Experienced attorneys often get the N to out himself in court, which really helps your side. This doesn't mean that you have to change attorneys if yours has no experience in cases against narcissists or psychopaths, but it does maen that he or she should consult with attorneys specializing in such cases to learn what works and what to expect.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

Kathy - this is another BRILLIANT post. As I have said, I get SO SICK of people telling you to LET IT GO. What? so the N can continue to lie about you and force you to "lie by silent complicity."

I have been the victim of this (and still am) by speaking the truth. More times than I can count.


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