True Value and the Narcissist
It's easy to take an honest look at someone you have something against. And though i have no time for blaming the victim, those of us who have been victimized by narcissists must take an honest look at ourselves.
Why is it so hard to face facts? Why do we remain in denial so long, and thus play the fool?
People on the outside are flabbergasted by the abuse the victim takes. But it is really very easy to understand.
To face facts, one fact you must face is that you mean nothing to the narcissist. Zip, zero, zilch, nada. You are nothing but a punching bag. A thing, an object he (ab)uses to make himself feel good.
If he breaks you, that's nothing because you are just an object to a narcissist or psychopath.
That's humiliating. Who wants to admit that they are worth nothing to someone so precious to them? It's a spear right through the heart.
And stupid conventional thinking views value backwards.
True, if a thing is a commodity for exchange, it's of no more value than what someone will pay for it. Like a used car: if you can't get anyone to pay more than $1,000 for it, that's all it's worth, no matter how new it is.
But human beings are not commodities for exchange. They have INHERENT value.
This notion that the narcissist DEVALUES you is ludicrous. Let's try thinking straight and saying that he just fails to appreciate your value.
Which makes him a dunce. So, who is devalued by his failure? You or him?
Does that make it easier to face facts?
Narcissists know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
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15 Comments:
Many thanks for the work you have done on this site. Am married to a narcissist but not for much longer. I will no longer allow him to demean, manipulate me etc etc. He will not accept this and has decided to divorce me after 40 years. i should have gone sooner.
One small correction. The incident with the diver and the shark happened on the south coast of New South Wales, Australia. of curse, it's quite possible for there to be two, but this ws quite recent.
kathy thanks for your timely reminders. i KNOW a lot of these things now. Now i need to nurse my wounds, heal and move on. the hurts seem to have layers. peeling it backwards. it's like surgically removing the layers of hope i kept putting on. there were a lot. oh well! readjusting. jt
I never fell in love with my N partner in the first place. It took me about a year to realise he was totally crazy and that nothing I did was ever going to make anything right with him. I recognised he had a problem and that the problem was his since that time. I just didn't have a label for it, now that I know it's outright abuse this past 6 months my mind set has shifted even more. I've recognised that I didn't do enough before to isolate myself from his crazy stuff and protect myself enough. I think it's a never ending task to keep building the walls around to stay protected, coz there is invariably a small leak somewhere that forever needs new masonry.
The only real protection is to leave and stay in 'no contact' zone, but how does one do that when a small child is involved. If only I had the ability to disappear from the face of the earth, that seems to be the ultimate answer.
lynn ... one does that BECAUSE there is a child involved! And one takes the child to safety!
And Kathy ... are all chronic bullies narcissists? If no, what's the difference?
Good question Stephanie. I wonder about that too.
Narcissists ARE bullies, and their reasons, how, and why they bully are exactly the same as the reasons, how, and why every bully bullies: "Treating you like dirt makes me seem God-Almighty grand by comparisson."
They gotta be better than you, but instead of striving to be, they just cheat by tearing you down.
Which is why they hate anyone outshining them in any way.
We see the same mentality in the vandal and the rapist.
That's the imporatnt factor of MOTIVATION. The same in all cases. The irrationale is the same in all cases, too.
Are they all (including psychopaths) just variantions on the same theme of malignant narcissism? Is malignant narcissism the engine underlying and driving these behaviors in all cases?
A quick reply to Stephanie (gorgeous name, by the way). There is NO safe place. It's great in theory, but doens't work out that way in real life. If I knew I'd get sole custody I'd have done it a while ago. Joint custody is the ONLY option which means leaving her alone with him for some weekends. I have no grounds for supervised visits either, it's all hearsay, and the courts don't award it simply because 1 parent says 'this is the way he is.' Not that clear cut, wish it was.
Thank you for this precious site where people from all over the world (like me who lives in France)can learn and have a deeper understanding of this illness, and can share and find comfort too.
Although I am not a religious person, I found that the seven deadly sins fit perfectly with the N.'s perception of the world:
I outshine everybody else = PRIDE
I deserve to have what they own more than they do = ENVY
People owe me attention and approval on ANY occasion = ANGER
I don't have to make any effort = SLOTH
People don't deserve my generosity = AVARICE
I am worthy of only the best the world can offer = GREED
I am entitled to use and abuse others for my own pleasure = LUST
Maybe it works better in French language, well tell me...
I'm thankful to Kathy and everyone who has posted here. Through you I learned that there are people who truly are evil and no matter what has happened to them in the past, they are presently choosing to perpetrate evil. Sympathy for their past only enables them a covering for the evil they continue to disperse into the world. I am a much more...buttoned down tight kind of person now...I'm much more secure within myself and no longer feel that everything that goes wrong is my fault. I've learned to say that I am saddened by another's tradgedy but not the old and continual, "I'm sorry" for things that I never did.
My computer was down so I haven't been here for awhile and I'm a bit sad that this place won't be here anymore but I think it was here at just the right time for me and I really don't need it anymore but know that in my heart, you are all valued very much. Especially you,jt. You are worth saving, hang on to your self and don't ever let anyone take it away from you.
Pam
Thanks Pam, but woops. I must have been ambiguous. The blog is staying where it is. The Main Website just gets a new URL, one that gives it it's own subdomain. Nothing's going away.
Oh, Kathy...I'm sure it's me. I'm really not too savy when it comes to computers.:0) I'm glad this place will still be here even though I am much less needy that a couple of months ago. I finally understand and the truth will set you free. Thanks again for all the hard work and for everyone's willingness to share.
Pam
Pam, I bet you weren't the only one. It's actually rare for just one or a few people to misread or misunderstand writing. So, I always assume that if one person has, others have too. That's why we editors go over writing with a fine-toothed comb to anticipate and prevent any misreading. But I don't have the time to polish my writing for the blog like I do for the Main Website and the ebook.
I am divorced from a man who was recently diagnosed by a psychiatrist as a narcissist. My ex is an intense BULLY. He has been successful his whole life into forcing people to do what he wants by repeated harassment such that you do what he wants to get him to leave you alone for awhile. Only it didn't end there, he would keep pushing and pushing further, because then he seemed to need to make you do something truly against your will to prove that he could force you to. He is very ill, in my opinion. I am divorced from him and he is remarried, but he continues to harass and bully me constantly due to our two young children. We are still in the court system over visitation issues due to the severity of his problems (he was fired from his job due to his "mental issues", went to several weeks of "intensive therapy", has let his home go into foreclosure, and a myriad of other scary things about him, including a criminal wife). He continues to call me and text message me to hassle me regarding our children daily. I would love "NO CONTACT" but it will never be possible due to our children. How do I stop him from getting his NS through contact with me and isn't he a malignant narcissist? He seems seriously mentally ill...
i'm no expert . yet. i think the more you can truly accept he is sick, the less emotional you'll become and the sense of urgency will eventually pass. when dealing with a looney tune, i,at least for myself, find that when i get wrapped up in trying to convince others or even myself how crazy he is getting, then i start sounding crazy too. if i can TRULY just KNOW he really is just that twisted and i quit making such a big deal out of it- i'm much more stable and i can minimize the drama in my life. keep communicating with people to learn more and more- but be careful not to let it SOUND like a soap opera. let "grace and dignity" be your mantra or something to that effect- so that you can stay as far on the outside of his routines as possible. if you live as though you are a healthy person, people will think of you as a healthy person. if you can conduct yourself with grace and dignity and you keep paying attention and seeking help, you will find support and hopefully even advocates that will be there for you on your behalf. if people think you're crazy too then you will be dismissed as such. find "safe places" to vent and regroup. join a support group of some kind just so you can be around other people that will shake their heads yes when you talk so you know you are (finally) being understood. it is reassuring. you need to have a place where you can comfortably speak and sort and process without being judged. it seems that many support groups, regardless of what they were formed for, have an etiquette that allows for freedom of speech without judgement and the confidentiality code is very strong and very important too. just keep evaluating what makes you strong, what makes you weak, what makes you behave crazy, what calms you down. make your focus more on what you can do and less on what the N can do. i understand the tension and trauma of watching your back. but when it comes to what goes on in your head you have to take care.as we all witness ,what goes on in a persons head is what comes out in behavior. watch yourself. guard your dignity. good people will notice that and you won't be alone. love jt
I think that is very good advice. It seems to me that it always must end in a Catch-22 though if you don't combine it with seperation from the N. No contact.
Because, call it "dignity" or whatever you want, if you are allowing somebody to treat you like dirt and still be treated as a friend, still sleep in your bed, still do his thing to your kids, it ain't "dignity."
You are enabling spoiled him and betraying yourself.
There is nothing worse you can do than to "act like it happen." Doing it will drive you crazy.
But i think what you are talking about there is akin to what I was saying when I said that we need to keep our poise. So long as that is combined with action to get away from the guy eating you, it's sane and sensible and isn't just being spineless with another name tacked on it.
And when a victim complains, all he or she needs is for the other party to disagree with the narcissist's degrading value judgement. All the bystander has to do is say, "Jeez that sucked. He shouldn't have said that to you." Then just treat the victim in a way that shows you appreciete her value as a human being.
Not too hard, is it? Just say, "Him doing that to you really stinks" and putting your arm around the victim. Not too much to ask.
So, any bystander you can't get that out of with a crowbar is mentally unwholesome themselves. Because people with a glow inside don't fail to do that. Only self righteous hypocrites do.
They are just playing the teeter totter game. Judging you to feel good about themselves. They are not worthy of your time.
kathy i can tell ive made the decision to leave my N but can't truly act on it quite yet. i have young children and don't have a financial plan yet. but in my heart and mind i have made the decision. so i can tell by rereading what i wrote that i do need to tell people that. it is true that until you mentally decide that you will waffle back and forth. which inevitably perpetuates the feedin of the N. which makes the whole circular thing keep spinning. it will suck the sanity right out of you. i like the word poise.and what i say about finding the appropriate places to talk= it is a hard hit and miss process (sorry!) but you gotta do it- just really listen to peoples responses without trying to push it too hard. you may have to try quite a few different people til you sort through who will support you and who won't. im very fortunate right now in that enough people acknowledge that something is wrong and acknowledge that life is hard without judging me or correcting me. they don't know the details. but their accepting helps.some listeners will say "i can't tell you what to do" "only you can decide what to do" i'm not sure how to take them yet, but they're right. but its a process too. thanks kathy for your site. love jt
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