Monday, July 02, 2007

Hurting You Isn't Something Narcissists Do by Accident

In all the jabber about narcissism, the worst noise is this idea that hurting you is something narcissists do by accident.

If you get nothing else out of "What Makes Narcissists Tick," get the message that frees you of that ridiculous belief. Which is nothing but a baseless assumption.

I don't ask you to take my word for this. Test what I say when I say that narcissists hurt you on purpose. Anyone can test any narcissist.

Here's how. The next time the narcissist is hurting your feelings or making you feel low, let your feelings show and tell him or her how they are making you feel asking them to stop it.

Be prepared for a shock. Any normal human being would soften and let up, but a narcissist will do exactly the opposite.

What does that mean?

Is revving up their engines, kicking in the afterburners, and running you right over an "accident" after you show your soft underbelly and beg them to let up on you?

It's no "accident," that's for sure.

Want to see a narcissistic rage? That's no "accident" either. The test: Just fall to your knees in tears begging them to have a heart and stop kicking you around like dirt.

The narcissist's response? He or she blows up into a rage. Is that rage an "accident" when nothing but how deeply they are hurting you provokes it?

No, it's a willful and wanton outrage.

Now hear this: THEY DON'T DO IT BY ACCIDENT. They aren't just inconsiderate and touchy.

Test their "touchiness" (if you can do so safely, or have somebody not at the N's mercy test it - someone who can defend themselves). Rage right back in their face. Act just as wild right back in their face. Threaten right back. Speak abusively right back.

Now any normal person would be provoked to rage by your doing this in their face. But narcissists are so UNtouchy that they do the opposite. Watch how instantaneously the raging narcissist becomes meek and mild and switches to his "I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly-mask."

Don't take my word for it. Test it. You CANNOT insult a narcissist who isn't in a position to bully you! It's impossible. Try it, you'll see. Your lack of vulnerability gives them skin a foot thick! (Not to mention a rubber spine.)

"Touchy" my you-know-what.

They aren't touchy at all. So perceived slights aren't what set them off. The VULNERABILITY of a TARGET OF OPPORTUNITY is what sets them off - IF there are no witnesses.

That's predation, not touchiness.

Narcissists aren't inconsiderate of your feelings. To the contrary, they are extremely considerate of your feelings. Your feelings are exactly what they are trying to affect. They closely observe how you react every time they do something to hurt you.

And they are like sharks, able to smell a drop of blood a mile away. Why? Because your hurt feelings are their pain killing drug.

They are addicted to it. Ever since childhood.

That's what their mental illness is, an addiction. (In fact, all addictions are classed as mental illness.)

So where do people get the stupid idea that narcissists aren't to blame for what they do?

It's asinine to think that narcissists can't control themselves when we see them controlling themselves perfectly whenever witnesses are present. So, what? being behind closed doors makes them suddenly out of control of themselves? Baloney.

Their problem isn't lack of self control; it's lack of conscience. Conscience is what makes people behave the same in the dark as in the light of day.

Okay, they have an addiction to trampling people. They are hooked on the childish high they get from throwing somebody down, stepping on the victim's back, and thumping their chest with a Tarzan yell.

But since when does an addiction amount to a carte blanche? An addiction is just a TEMPTATION. It doesn't remove the addict's responsibility to resist that temptation.

If a heroin addict sees you with heroin, he will attack and may kill you for it - IF there are no witnesses present.

But do we absolve him of his responsibility for the crime just because he's addicted to heroin? Of course not.

Same with the narcissist. Since childhood he has done this mind-altering drug of abusing people and is addicted to it. He addicted himself.

Yet addicted as he is, he demonstrates the ability to control himself by behaving whenever witnesses are present, misbehaving only when he thinks he can get away with it.

Innocence that is not.

He does what he does because nothing but getting his drug matters to him. So he has no conscience. He lives to get it, whenever he can get away with it.

So, hurting others isn't something narcissists do by accident. It's how they live.

The victims of narcissists must understand this. They must quit falling for the masks predation conceals itself behind.

I don't care how much the poor, little, ole narcissist whines that he didn't mean to, and claims that he has an excuse because HIS feelings were somehow hurt, and weeps about what a miserable childhood he had and how sad and forlorn he'll be if you go away, and all that crap. It's a joke.

Painful as this is to admit, the victims of narcissists MUST understand it. It's the bottom line. It predicates your choices.

Don't take my word for it: test and see. 2 + 2 = 4. Always. Even on Thursdays.

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At 8:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you Kathy for this latest entry.

It's right on track! Friends have not believed me about my N mother being a Narcissist, since they had not seen her 'act out' in their presence. They thought I was wrong since they had not witnessed her craziness. Yes, how cunning they are to hide their madness when witnesses are present.

I will never see my N ex mother again. I never want to talk to her ever again. She is history, as far as I'm concerned.

At 4:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am reading a book which was published in june 2007 in France about narcissistic abusers. I am glad that this matter is eventually taken seriously here, written by two psychiatrists , it is very edifying. they use several times the word psychosis and psychotic and pretador referring to the malignant narcissist.

Emotions are like a foreign language for a N. that he has never learnt. People's emotions frighten him or annoy him because they are evidence that he is different, they echoe his emtionnal void.i guess that is why he can't stand people's grief or people's illnesses. he is unable to share someone's else suffuring since he doesn't even let humself acknowledge his own suffuring.It makes him feel awkward, ill at ease, non human.I would be pleased to have your testimony about when you were ill or or injured how did your N. react ?

The hurt he inflincts gives him an intense pleasure like all other psychopaths.

Just a little joke to finish.

" NEVER laughs at your N. , You will sign your own death warrant."


At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please could you post the title and author of the book you mention?

I can't find anything recent on under 'narcissisme'.

Thanks in advance.

At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi anonymous 6:53,

Well the book I was referring to is called " Face aux violences des personnalités perverses " by Y. Poncet-Bonissol and A. Imbs, Chiron éditeur.Although it is not clear from the title, right from the very first page of the book, you can read that it is all about narcissistic abusers ( pervers narcissiques )It is really the first thorough examination on the topic in French and more exhaustive than the ones by Marie France Hiridoyen.

At 8:31 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

Yet again Kathy, you have spoken and your words ring so true with me. I've raged back at my N with a waggling finger and yelling "Stop, enough is enough, stop it now. That is ENOUGH!" Only to have him meekly walk out, head hung etc., when you'd expect someone in that situation to react back with anger, or at least to frown and say, What the F?

Talks with my Counsellor have revealed that he has no inner consience, that he derives his conscience and relationship boundaries from an external source. It's the reason why they run amok within relationships, lieing, cheating, abusing, threatening.

It's also the reason why, that if you ask nicely, nothing is done about it. Instead of raging back with a loud and firm "Stop it!" And you say, "oh, please stop that, it hurts my feelings." It's meaningless to them. This has been so evident in my partner time and time again.

The problem us 'normal' people have is that understanding how blank their internal emotional slate is almost incomprehensible. We forever are projecting our own internal feelings into them, to help us try and figure them out. But it's pointless, an exercise in fruitlessness. Forget it. Don't even bother. Accept they have no inner conscience, that they will go as far as doing anything they damn well please to hurt those closest to them and won't stop when you ask nicely.

Glad you put the warning in there though, as the above strategy can make them feel trapped and when they have that oppressing on them they will physically lash out, so don't be fooled if they've said they'll never do that, be physically abusive I mean, they will, when they perceive to be cornered.

At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks anonymous 12.44.

They don't seem to have this one on but there are a few other books by the same author, which also seem interesting.

At 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi again anon 6.53.

Please ignore my previous post. I have just found the title you are referring to on after all.
For some reason they've got it listed as "Faire face aux personnalités toxiques : les victimes témoignent".
Thanks once again for the reference.


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