Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Narcissist Sympathizers

How's your Irony Detector doing? Let's take it for a ride.

Because of posts like my last one, people view me as a "hard-liner" about narcissists. I hold them responsible for their conduct because they can control it and freely choose to abuse. So I am mean and nasty and unsympathetic toward these poor abusers.

But who thinks more of them than someone like me? By taking this stand, I am giving narcissists equal status with the rest of us. I am acknowledging that they have minds, a will, and will power to choose.

In other words, people like me aren't the ones degrading narcissists to the level of mere machines with buttons that get pushed. Indeed, that is a status lower than most animals, who have a free will and will power to choose their behavior.

The inability to choose for yourself is absolute impotence. So, all these holier-than-thous who want to SOUND and LOOK and SEEM humanitarian (notice that it's always "humanitarian," never quite "human") are insulting narcissists with their condescending misplaced sympathy.

I think it's time these holier-than-thous stopped degrading narcissists (and all the mentally ill) this way and showed some respect for them by doing them justice as beings with a free will who can overcome temptation.

Narcissists are people who have perfected the virtue of stubborness, refusing to attain the Age of Reason for - whatever - 20, 30, 40 years. So, like little children, they have no conscience. Like little children, they have no regard for anyone or anything else. The moment they see that Mamma's back is turned, they do wrong and slap back on their angel-face again the moment she turns around. Life is simple for them: it's all about what they want, and they gotta have it NOW.

I say they should CHOOSE to grow up already. IF they wanted help, maybe then psychiatrists could help them. But don't hold your breath. They have no incentive to grow up.

And now, here's the kicker. Let's look at the other side of the coin.

I often say that it really does appear that narcissists have real predatory urges that the rest of us do not have, and that they have feelings in response to things that the rest of us do not experience. For example, because of their twisted thinking, they take a PLEA for them to have a heart as an ATTACK.

This bizarre feeling occurs in them because they are pretending to be so infinitely superior to you that they shouldn't deign to even notice relative vermin like you, let alone have anything but contempt for a bug like you. That's the image of themselves that they identify with, and you DO attack it when you behave as their equal. You are inadvertently challenging their delusion of grandeur. But if they can resist the temptation to eviscerate you for it when there would be witnesses, they can resist the urge to eviscerate you when no one is looking, too.

It is self evident that people cannot control their feelings. Neither normal people nor narcissists can. We can control their expression as emotion, which is part of controlling our conduct. But feelings themselves are not a matter of choice.

So, we can't polish our finger nails over not behaving like narcissists behave, because we are not tempted to. For example, you can't take pride in never having murdered anyone unless you have been tempted to and overcame that temptation.

But look what side of this issue the nicey-nice narcissist sympathizers are on. The wrong one again, as usual. The same people who won't hold others responsible for their conduct do hold others responsible for their feelings. There is hardly any natural feeling a person can have that they can't make out to be some sort of sin.

Anger is their favorite excuse for such extreme perversity. The poor narcissist isn't to blame for abusing his or her defenseless victim (in a rage), but that victim is doing evil by feeling angry about it.

Enough to make the head spin.

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At 9:12 PM, Anonymous Marisol said...

Great stuff, and I love your blog. Thanks so much for your insight.

At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Nina said...


You know holding them accountable is their ONLY hope.

As a Catholic, I see the spiritual/evil side of Narcissism-
it's totally about the sin of pride.

The more I pray for mine, keep no contact -the more agitated they become.

I pray they don't go to Hell, and I won't help them get there by hiding their behavior.

At 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kathy - you will like this:

there is an enlightening discussion of how liars—read sociopaths—recruit people to their side. It goes like this:

1. Save Me—the liar gives “facts” that will invoke pity and identify the liar as the victim.
2. This fosters a desire on the part of the recruit to offer support and protection.
3. The liar makes obvious a small thing that the recruit can do to help.
4. The liar claims facts so detailed, painful and horrendous that the recruit will blindly mistrust—even hate—anyone who opposes the liar. That would be you.
5. All information about the liar’s enemy—you—is subconsciously filtered through the negative “facts” that the liar has told about you.
6. Once committed to the liar’s army, the recruit’s own pride is at stake. He or she must help the liar win against the evil enemy—you.


At 6:35 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

I totally hold my N partner responsible for all his stuff. It's others around me that are constantly making excuses for his behaviour. His Mum, his sisters, the rest of his family, even my Mum! Which drives me insane.

I think next time I will use your strategy with them, and say "Gee, he must be a total embecile then coz according to you almost everything he does is out of his control, or he was 'too dumb to realise', or 'he doesn't understand.' Recently he chose to ignore my birthday, but from others I hear, "Oh, he's just a guy, guys always forget." Or, "Perhaps he was too busy." Or, "Maybe he didn't think it was important to you."

Wake up people! Stop making excuses for them!

I don't listen to any of those excuses. He's 100% accountable, he's not dumb.

Good point Kathy, and one I can use.

At 11:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Kathy,

With any kind of mental illness the victim must choose that which will enable them to get better. No ammount of sympathy on the part of another will heal them. Narcissists have to face the reality of their problem and then begin to treat others as equals. They can't heal the injuries to their inner person without taking steps to heal their character. It is really, really hard to hold narcissistic family member accountable because when they lose their false face, they will do ANYTHING to bully you into putting it back in place and if you refuse, you may never see them again.

The really terrible part is if you believe in the false persona and love that persona and then find that it is only a mask. Some narcissists are easily revealed while with others, it may take years to find out that they are really hollow inside and only mimic normal feelings but have no compassion at all.

I think holding them accountable can help them when they are young but when they are fully mature, holding them accountable may free you from them but they remain beyond hope for they never will acknowledge that something is amiss within them. It is simply too late.


At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

pam i'm starting to think/realize that too. i used to feel sorry for my N that he was losing people and not realizing it. it was my duty as his friend to help him see it. (oh gag!) now i gotta just figure if he doesn't care i can't keep caring for him. hey- you snooze you lose ! and the pity party will just have to take place without me. even if the guest list of chumps gets long- i still want to miss that party. jt

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hold them accountable fully and from afar. I tried the being totally honest and handing the N's stuff right back to him, and got pummeled for it repeatedly. I was well on my way to yet another brutal D and D too.

He comes back to me after a long while saying "You know I can't get any better without YOU! I can't do it without you!" uh huh. That makes me responsible to help my abuser? Since when!

I fully hold him accountable from way over here and it feels tons better. I'm like you jt, he can have his pity party without me, and yes his guest list is very long. The party isn't a very good one to begin with and the hang over isn't worth it. I hate to say this but, his new supply is abundant and an N sympathizer believing all his projections about me so I don't much care what is going on for them when the party is over. What goes around comes around! :)

I know the facts and with the N gone I don't have to listen to his twisted fairy tale of what happened to me or what he did or did not do. You'll never be able to hold them fully accountable while they are around since they never take real responsibility for a single hardship they cause. It's all about blaming you.

Let them live in fantasy world. I don't grieve this FOR him anymore. And he's too dumb to know that he ought to be grieving his vast delusional thinking himself. Or too cowardly.

Either way, the longer you are out the better you can fully see what they have done and hold them to it. Watch them run like the wind if you do this up close and personal all while crying foul!!

My N whined loudly and pitifully at me "Good luck telling people about me since I"m mentally ill!!!" last words from his mouth to me. I had said I was going to expose him to everyone I could since he refused to do anything to stop his manipulations.

Using mental illness as his "excuse" to get away with it all. Proved to me once and for all that they know EXACTLY what they are doing and whose fault it is. I shuddered when he said this. I guess if it gets you off the hook it's o.k. to use whatever you can as an excuse for being so monsterous to everyone who gets too close to you.

Hold them fully accountable. They know what they are doing and do not care.


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