Wednesday, August 01, 2007

The Power of Suggestion on Bystanders


How do narcissists and psychopaths pull off such a carnival of absurdity as I described in my previous post?

It's easy. Any cynic can do so. All you need do is exploit the fact that the vast majority of people NEVER think. Ever.

Narcissists get away with what they do by playing the bystanders, who actually protect the N and help him or her abuse the victim.

This is nothing new. Till recently, till it became politically incorrect, the bystanders played the same role in rape and racism and such things. Always blaming the victim and making excuses for the abuser. Never able to quite fathom what anyone might see wrong with what they were doing.

Kinda like blaming the vicim for disease during Biblical times - it's always the same old story: blame the victim. The bystanders are Job's Comforters. Even the victims of narcissists have been bystanders in other situations and behaved no differently than they complain about the bystanders behaving in theirs.

Only one thing puts an end to it and makes the bystanders "get it" about what is wrong with what they're doing - punishment. Start punishing the bystanders for it, and they suddenly get unstupid and stop it.

For example, you don't hear anyone daring to blame the victim for rape anymore, do you? Why do you suppose that is? What made people suddenly stop doing that? And if they suddenly became enlightened about blaming the victim, then why do they continue blaming the victim like crazy for other things, like narcissistic abuse and terrorism? So, how come bystanders know right from wrong only in cases of rape?

How's your Hypocrisy Detector doing?

People have nothing against the stupidity and immorality of blaming the victim, do they? They simply avoid blaming the victim in certain taboo cases (like rape) because they do not want to be frowned on for it. But in all other cases, they just act like they don't know any better.

And you can't teach them, because, no matter what, they just don't get it.

So, if you want to change the way the bystanders behave, you can forget moralizing. Byestanders are amoral. To get them off the enemy's side, just punish them for being on the wrong side. Then they get religion fast.

In other words, call their stupidity what it is - stupid. Call their unfairness what it is - unfair. Call their infidelity what it is. Just stop giving them a pass to act like they don't know what they're doing.

I am sorry to say this about the human race, but it is true. It's an undeniable, deplorable fact. People don't think. (Except about how to make fame and fortune.) Ever.

In fact, humanity's so-called intellectuals are arguably the worst. Recent studies in the UK show that their minds tend to remain permanently in the "immature" state, "educable mode," which results in congnitive flexibility, blindly believing whatever some authority figure says, and a wide open mind that will let anything in without first running a logic check on it.

And so, the behavior of most people is like that of cattle. By that I mean that they do not "occupy the driver's seat," so to speak. They are not consciously deciding how they behave. In fact, they are hardly aware of how they're behaving. They are just unconsciously mirroring the behavior of the other cattle around them in the herd.

For example, if you are walking down a street in New York City and come upon some scene that demands a reaction from people, you will see no one react without first quickly glancing around to see what others are saying and doing.

That's why incredibly lopsided poll results are the rule (more than 90% of New Yorkers agree). You control that herd's collective mind just by labeling the other 10% as evil.

Now, if the same thing happens in Kansas City, you will probably encounter some folks who don't do that, but even there, where humanity isn't tight-packed like sardines, most people just absent-mindedly graze on, unaware of reorienting themselves every few minutes with the rest of the herd (to the movement of the sun).

But, at any given moment, you will find more than 90% of cattle facing the exact same direction. It's the same with people. Because they don't think.

Narcissists and psychopaths just exploit that to make fools of people, even making fools of the professionals in the field of psychology.

One trick is just making things sound like what they ain't.

For example, let's say you told me that it will be fair-to-partly cloudy today and I went around carrying on like this:

"Did you hear what she said! Holy manure! She said it will be fair-to-partly-cloudy!!! Can you believe that!"

That's it. I guarantee that if I do that, I will get 9 of every 10 people I approach to MIRROR my absurd reaction to your weather forecast. They will gasp at it, agreeing that it is outrageous. How on earth could you say such a thing? Shame on you!

Why will I thus succeed in getting 9 of 10 people to make fools of themselves? Because 9 out of 10 people are brain dead.

Don't take my word for it. Try this magic trick yourself: just react to a thing as though it were something else. And don't be subtle about it. Be extravagant. Try it. It works. You'll see. It's hilarious. Because people are brain dead.

In this example, I make your statement about the weather SOUND outrageous. How? By nothing but an ANTIC tone of voice in reaction to it. That is, I make a perfectly reasonable thing sound outrageous simply by screaming about it.

Picture me doing that. If your brain is on, you see farce. TV screen writers overuse this cliche so much that it's hardly even funny anymore.

Yet when we see some clown like a narcissist enact this antic farce in real life, nobody gets the joke.

Narcissists pull this stunt all the time, because people don't listen and don't think. So never underestimate the power of suggestion in just your antic TONE OF VOICE on the bystander.

And this happens EVERY TIME, not just sometimes, because the bystanders' stupidity is (as pointed out above) willful. They want NOT to know what is wrong and stupid in what they're doing. There is great advantage to them in it.

A perfect example of how narcissists play bystanders like a fiddle is the one mentioned yesterday, because many victims of narcissists describe this stunt.

The narcissist tries to impose her delusion on you by shoving it into your face and forcing you (through fear of her temper) to act as though it's true. For example, the narcissist portrays the sky as purple. If you won't play along, if you disrupt her imaginary world by trying to answer that the sky is blue, the narcissist throws a fit.

Narcissists are at their most blatantly childish at such moments: they actually cover their ears, shut their eyes tight, and stamp their foot - just like a tempestuous four-year-old brat - to silence you.

Why? Because you must not contradict her delusion. You must support her delusions by accepting her false statements of fact and acting as though they are true. In other words, you must follow the narcissist's script.

The chief delusion the narcissists tries to foist on you is that she is a good person and has never done the sickening things she's done to you and others.

This does more than wipe her slate clean. To understand the full significance, imagine a Germany in which Hitler was "our beloved leader," not a sick-o. Hard to imagine...but try. Imagine what such a deluded Germany would be like. Imagine what kind of talk would flow.

Would the Germany created by this fictitious version of history be anything like the real Germany of today? No, it would be a radically different world, one in which things of the real Germany would be upside down. Like Alice. In Wonderland.

Now imagine someone trying to make you shut up and play along with such a lie, to act the same way you would act if Hitler were "our beloved leader", not a sick-o.

But wait, Hitler attacked you and your kind as evil. And you are going to support his phony reputation of being a good person? Are you suicidal or what?


You can tell a bystander one million times that every narcissist's middle name is Slanderer and it will just go in one ear and out the other a million times. Read my lips, stupid bystanders: every narcissist goes through life deliberately ruining repuations by the dozen through telling the most sickeningly malicious lies about people WHO HAVE DONE HER NO HARM. She even does this to people who have done nothing but love her - her brothers and sisters and parents and spouse. I'm sorry, but anyone who doesn't smell the stink of that is stupid as a stick.

That isn't just a personal character flaw: that is wickedness. It's the heart of narcissism - the mentality of the rapist: tear others down off that pedestal and drag them through a gutter to look good by comparrisson.

People who go through life doing this deserve nothing but our abhorrence.

Never, never, never support the phony facade this wickedness hides behind. If you do, you help the narcissist do you in. If you act like you trust her, you make those she's lying to about you trust her. If you act like her relationship with you is friendly, you can hardly then claim that it was really predatory. Yes, lying isn't just something done with the mouth. Actions speak louder than words. Never play along with the narcissist's fiction about the past. Honesty IS the best policy.

And so, just as in the Hitler example, there's two sides to the coin: He was either a fiend or a good person. And, since he attacked you, that reflects on YOU. He was a fiend, and you have every right to defend your name by letting others know that he was a fiend.

Otherwise his attack of you will be viewed as non-malicious and therefore as evidence against your character.

Narcissists know this. They are expert at this game they've played all their lives. They know every dirty trick in the book. They constantly try to force their victims to behave as though the abusive narcissist is a good person. Constantly.

Thus, like every con artist, they get the victim to cover up their crime for them.

You mustn't correct her version to clear your name from the onus of having been attacked as evil by Lady Hitler. Instead, you must shut up and just play along with the fiction that she is person of goodwill.

Which amounts must support the myth that YOU are the bad guy, not Hitler.

Would you accept that characterization of history? Would you thus HELP perpetrate this great lie against yourself and all the other innocent people slandered and abused by the Hitler? Would you legitimize what he did to them by representing him as a good person? I hope not.

That's what narcissists do to you with their constant assault on reality through their lies.

If you insist on your right to act as though Hitler was a sick-o, to thus answer the narcissist's false claim, look out. The narcissist screams bloody murder. She makes what you're doing (i.e., simply answering something she has said to correct a falsehood in it) sound HORRIBLE!!!!!

And the brain-dead bystanders go "Yup, yup, yup" and suck it up. It never dawns on them to think, "What's so horrible about answering assertions that have damaging personal implications?"

All the brain dead bystanders hear is the narcissist bawling that you won't shut up. As though YOU are the one making the ear-splitting racket. Shame on you. You insist on equal time for your say about reality. How EVIL of you!!!!!

I am sorry, but the bystanders who fall for this stunt are idiots.

The victims of narcissists often report that a narcissist won't stop at threatening to call the police if you don't shut up and just let her lie stand as the truth.

Yes, she makes out your answering her lie as "harrassment."

Now, one must be incredibly stupid to fall for a misrepresentation like that: You, a narcissist, declare the sky purple and get mad when the other person won't behave as though the sky is purple. He tries to state that he knows and believes the sky to be blue, not purple. You try to prevent him from saying so by plugging your ears and yelling at him to shut up. If he refuses to be silenced immediately, you threaten to call the cops for "harrassment."

How does a narcissist fool even cops into such absurdity? Just by using a screaming-bloody-murder tone of voice, that's how. You could be reciting the words to "The Star Spangled Banner" in that tone of voice for all your actual words matter.

Just as the intellectually lazy look at nothing but the pretty pictures in books, they hear nothing but the antic tone and gestures in what people say. Forget the words: idiots can't be bothered to give the matter a thought.

That cop never stops to think of what actually is happening. He or she is just being manipulated like a puppet by the power of suggestion in the narcissist's antic tone of voice. I have heard this same story once too often, and I myself have seen a narcissist make a fool of cops. Cops? Of all people, shouldn't COPS know better? Even when they see his rap sheet? Sheesh.

That's stupid. Cops, judges, juries, neighbors - all the bystanders do this. If they used their heads for ten seconds they'd get the joke: ANSWERING someone else's false assertions about your shared past is NOT evil. It is not harrassing the poor, poor, narcissist. Indeed, he or she is the harrasser - harrassing their victims constantly with false assertions about the past.

...that your narcissistic parent was loving and kind. Or that the narcissist didn't punch herself out on you for 20 minutes straight yesterday. or that what the narcissist calls you isn't exactly what SHE is.

But the brain dead support the narcissist's claim of the right to say anything she wants to you, even direct abuse, and have her UNANSWERED say...because the brain dead somehow consider it a crime for you to answer her.

That was just one example of how narcissists make fools of bystanders. Here's the prinicple example of how they do it.

If the victim becomes angry over the abuse, the narcissist goes the other way -- putting on her "Who-me?-I-wouldn't-hurt-a-fly" mask. How hurt she is! How painful and cruel is the victim's anger at her! How sad and hurt she'll be if the victim divorces her!

Get it? Most people don't get the joke. Read my lips, numbskulls: To view the abuser as the injured party is wildly stupid. You have to disregard the abuse and see the natural reaction to it as the issue. Which means that you are too stupid to even get the issue straight.

Then you have to deny the victim's right to self preservation and insist that the narcissist has a right to a live-in victim to abuse.

You do this utter, utter stupidity because you are brain dead automatons being controlled by the power of suggestion in faces that you mindlessly just mirror.

So any absurdity is possible with you, because not one line of sensible thought occurs in your heads.

Why bother even mentioning this unpleasant truth?

Because the stupid bystanders are enablers and a major reason for the harm narcissists and psychopaths get away with. There is only one thing that will get bystanders to stop the stupid act.

That is if they start getting called "stupid" for it. When it ceases to be politically correct to be stupid, it's amazing how fast people suddenly get a brain.

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At 12:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Kathy,

I think it's true what you say. I've seen it all around me and have been through it all. And now I've learned from it I recoqnise it everywere around me more.

I also agree on the general numbness off people, they are bussy with their own lives and mostly act like sheep but also generaly have a good sence of wrong and right.
The big problem in case of NPD behaviour is, I think also, that it's 'unbelieveble' behaviour. It's too complicated to grasp for people in general and too difficult and unknow to be recoqnised as an disorder even for psychiatrists. Therefore it's also easyer to blame the victim. It makes more sence than the behavior of the narcissist if you donn't know about NPD. People need clearity to feel at ease. For most people it's way to complicated to understand NPD behaviour and I can understand that. It took me more than 20 years and another terrible experiance to understand it after all. And I'm a trained and expirianced psychiatric nurse..
Talking about NPD with random people is like calling in a dessert and dangerous too. Before you know it you become outcast. It's no use as long as a hole lot of people are not educated and aware of these people.
I guess it could be usefull to educate children about age 16/18 at school about personality disorders in general and NPD and APD specific because it's such a threat for them and society. I'm sure every narcissist in the country will block such an initiative and I guess many of them are in power somewhere, so it wonn't be easy.. But I think many people knowing about the problem can make them more powerless and adapt more. Then they become the outcast they realy are who have to ajust their conduct.

And thank you for sharing a part of your story. I think it's courageous.

greetings, Gerard (from Holland, that's why my englisch..)

At 2:56 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

Thank you. I too have often wondered why this isn't taught in school. We know how people are mass manipulated by men like Stalin, Hitler, Bin laden, etc. There is a definite method to the madness. We know exactly how they do it, so why is it kept a secret?

If every 15 or 16 year old student learned step-by-step exactly how Hitler did it, how the Ku Klux Klan tries to do it, how Bin Laden does it, and how every manipulator since Nero does it, we would have a much safer world.

But we are like clueless babes in Wonderland, because it is kept a secret from us how many psychopaths and narcissists are out there. And we live in a world where we expect the government to look out for our safety, so we don't see the need to be on our guard and notice signs of bad faith in others.

Cynicism used to mean playing people cynically. Now anyone who admits knowing that some people are just bad and that many are hypocrites is called a 'cynic." It's almost taboo not to be such a lamb to the slaughter.

And it's a real shame that we have to get people to stop blaming the victim the way we got them to stop it in the case of rape - not by reasoning with them or educating them, but just by persecuting anyone who blames the victim for rape. Apparantly, that's the only thing that has an effect on the general public -- so long as they can go around thinking that no narcissist might hurt THEM. Then suddenly they care, but not till they're the ones on the menu today.

If they would at least shut up. But they do more damage with all their blaming of the victim. That's what TEMPTS narcissists and psychopaths to play them like fiddles.

At 7:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As long as I didnn't knew about NPD, I believed by talking reasoneble, helping, caring and also arguing, with my mother, brother, others and later my 'partner', things would change.
I knew about Hitler, Stalin, psychopaths. I knew about bad people. I saw them also in hospital (no overt NPD's there..).
But I didn't know about NPD enough.As you know NPD is quite differant, more dangereous in my eyes than people with APD. APD shows, it's more clear, they often cann't (at least for a long time)- and donn't want to hide it. There goals are often simple.
In a short time you know where you are up to with these people most off the time.
NPD is covered and the goal is only about killing souls. It doesn't show, it's slow, strange, very wicked.
I never knew I was on the menu till I learned about NPD and I think many people are in the same situation. Blaming themselves and even blaming others. They think that it's theirs and others fault they cann't deal with it. And the narcissist gladly let's them believe it. They donn't know. They donn't know about NPD. Hitler is obvious. He is a wicked, madman for the majority. Saddam also and all these 'famous' others. Rare and strange examples thinks the majority. Far away. Not my mother, girlfriend or co-worker.
They never expect a Hitler as a father or a Messalina as a partenr.
And there the next mistake is made. People donn't worry too much if they learn something about NPD. They think it's very rare and wonn't happen to them. They donn't see that many of them are influenced daily by narcissists. That it's not rare. If your eyes are opened you see it all around you. Much more than 1 percent..

So I guess generaly 3 big mistakes are made in case of NPD.
- people donn't know about it, donn't understand it and therefore often blame the victim cause many peolple need someone to blame to feel at eas. And then it's much easyer to believe the narcissist cause the stories the vivtims tel are so outrageous.
- when people know something about it they underestimate it by thinking it's very rare and they are up against it when it affects them. Most of them are not but they wonn't worry.
- most people tend to believe in the basic 'good' in all people. That's basicly a good stand of view I think and most of the time it works out well. But dangereous in case of people with NPD. They feed on this believe and live by it much more then people with APD or other disorders. It's much more evil and dangereous and goes against all human believe in 'love', 'doing good' and so on.
People donn't want to know people like that exist everywere around us. For must of them the throught is too hard to handle I guess.

I hope they will learn before it's too late.

greetings, Gerard

At 8:06 AM, Blogger FIGHTER2 said...

Victims high in empathy do not recognize sociopaths

The whole article by Dr. Leedom is here:

Agrees totally with what you are saying as well.

This is one of your most powerful pieces yet, Kathy. Great job!

At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a wonderful piece! I can't believe how stupid some of my former friends were. I say former, since they believed my narcissistic ex mother. I am without a family, since my 3 remaining family members are all N's. I'd rather have no family, than put up with their lying, cheating, and stealing any longer. They have no friends, only people who 'help' them out now and then. I would like to know just what it is they say to people, to convince these herd animals that they are speaking the truth. Because when I explain what I've been through, people don't believe me, and I'm speaking the truth!

I look forward to the day my ex mother dies. Not that I'm in her will, she says she's going to 'live forever' and so doesn't even have a will, and she's 78 years old. No, I look forward to the day she dies, so that she can't destroy any more lives, and she'll get to deal with her karma. What goes around, comes around.

At 2:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yip. These ppl are masters and having dealt with what I definetly think was a narcisstic female, I am just amazed at this disorider and people need to be aware of it. Some just put it down do games and get out, others are just left confused and then drained of any self esteem and positive emotional functioning.

I tried to say this girl was an N to my friends, a lot look at me blankly and think my ego is taking over. I will say that if a woman doesn't want to be with me, tells me so and dumps me, I am fine with that, but when someone like the girl I met manipulates me as she did, and I was only aware after the fact having looked back, I look into behaviour, as I am interested in it for one.

The key word I found in another article is 'Insidious' it is so slow that you don't notice it. As the article said. If something seems to make you uneasy, no matter how small, it's making you uneasy. I failed to follow multiple gut feelings I was getting.

1st Sign which you could put down to a mistake. This was very early on so nothing seemed amiss. I was staying with an N. Now I realise she wanted me there as a prisoner for her supply. She got me 2 keys cut and left them for me, I checked before I went out, any idiot would. Low and behold one key to let me in didn't work. An honest mistake, who knows, but I feel no. Even early on I felt uneasy about this.

They fool professionals, so what help do we have. Unfortunately I believe you will only become aware of these people after you have dealt with them and realise something very wrong is happening but can't put your finger on it...


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