Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Poor Narcissist Feels Threatened

Let's take a look at this line that narcissists aren't really bad, that they lash out at you because they feel "threatened."

This idea begs the question "Threatened in what way?" and "Threatened by what?"

If you're the victim of a narcissist, you know that this "threatened" excuse is a farce, because the narcissist attacks precisely when you are anti-threatening him or her. Like when you are trying please them, when you are saying you love them, when they are already mad at you and you are trying to appease them, when you try to get them to listen to you.

WHAM – you expect the normal reaction to these friendly behaviors, but what do you get instead? The PERVERTED reaction of an attack. It's a shock tactic that takes you aback and makes you have to pinch yourself.

What on earth have you done to "threaten" the poor narcissist?

Let's look at the last example – trying to get her to listen to you.

By doing that, you ARE "threatening" her, I'm afraid. Yes.

Correction: No, you are not threatening her; you are threatening the imaginary her, the bogus "her." You're threatening her delusions of grandeur.

ANY honesty or reality does. Remember that she is a mental child playing Pretend, and she wants all her playmates to play along. That means you are supposed to follow her script. You are supposed to act unworthy of her attention or regard. When you don't play that part, she stomps her little foot at you and gets mad, throwing a temper tantrum to be so obnoxious that you give in and do what she wants.

In her self-deluding game of Let's Play Pretend, she is so far superior to you that you are beneath her notice, at the relative level of some worm or bug with respect to her. Something divine her should look down her nose in contempt at.

And, you had better act the part or she will go off at you. But here you are, acting like she owes you her attention. In other words, you're acting like God Almighty's equal.

Oh, how horrible an insult to God Almighty!!! Shame on you! You - a mere bug, a mere worm - are "threatening" her majesty by treating her as your equal! Quit "threatening" her delusions of divinity, you mean and naughty person.

The same is true for the example of telling her you love her, for in a profession of love is an implicit call for love in return. Oh, what a horrible attack on her godhead with respect to a mere bug, a mere worm like you! You are treating her as your equal. What an insult!

So, don't let the addle-headed know-it-alls confuse you. You are not threatening the poor narcissist. The narcissist is just a pervert = someone who perverts the course of logic to pervert reality. Hence, she pervertedly views love or affection or any call for engagement from her as its very opposite = a "threat."

Her Perverted Thinking Machine is not your fault or your problem. It's her fault and her problem. She is not really threatened by you acting like her equal.

In other words, she isn't fighting back against any injury or threat: she is just an aggressor targeting vulnerable prey. That is, she's abusing you to feed her ego.

To blame you for what she does to you, by saying that that you are thus "threatening" her, is as crazy as it would be to blame a lamb for "threatening" a wolf by running away when the hungry wolf feels a need to eat said lamb.

But the so-called experts cannot seem to get it through their thick heads that there is a fundamental difference between fighting others and eating them – between fighting and predation. Though they Play Pretend that they are the only ones qualified to express an opinion on the matter, they are actually the least knowledgable and qualified, because they know nothing but what they have read in speculative essays by others just as ignorant and whatever lines narcissists on their couches have fed these collective speculators. Both individually and collectively they have almost no experience with real narcissists, let alone any real-world experience with them. And they haven't even solicited information from victims of narcissists. So, how could they possibly know what they are talking about?

Trust your own observations. Reason from facts to conclusions, not backwards, and you will learn what you need to know.

All animals occasionally fight others (including others of their own species) when those others cross boundaries to threaten their interests in some way. You can tell when this is the motive, because the moment the aggressor backs off the fighting stops, and everybody's cool again.

Why? Because when you feel threatened, your motive is to repulse the threat = self-defense. Once you have accomplished that mission, you are done.

But when your motive is to destroy the other, the other party backing down or trying to appease you has the opposite effect. Then it's a sign of weakness that just emboldens the attacker to pour on the attack more furiously than ever.

That's why when an animal attacks to eat another, it doesn't stop till it has ripped that other to shreds. That's what human predators (like psychopaths and other narcissists) do to their prey, as well.

The only way to avoid "threatening" these perverts is to just get and stay far away from them.

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14 Comments:

At 11:31 AM, Anonymous holy water salt said...

Yes, the attack when I was a cowering...that was a huge RED FLAG. Refusing pleas for mercy.

What is so odd now - I see them as cowardly, weak and afraid of me now.

I exacted some justice, it was an awesome life changing amount, but done steathily so I am not sure they know it was me and they have quite a few enemies, but I am amazed how cowardly these predators are once unhooded.

OT: back to blissful, happy psycho- I was reading Martha Stout and that reminded me about the underlining boredom in theirlives that drives the behavior and antics. What do you think? Their "down" moments are just bouts of severe boredom?

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

"Refusing pleas for mercy." That happened to me too. Enter the Twilight Zone. Alice met nothing so bizarre down the rabbit hole. That's what forced me to admit that they are perverts and just plain doing it on purpose.

As for the boredom, I'm not sure, but I think that might be true. Childish minds need enhanced stimulation. Otherwise they get very bored.

In fact, I noticed the childish bawdy colors and wild flashing animations all over Hamas and other terrorist websites. All that cheezy blinking and animation will give any normal adult a headhache! You see nothing like that in Western sources except in websites designed for children, though even our websites for children are not quite so designed to battle attention deficit and the resulting boredom.

You see it also in the childish tastes and antics of the remnants of anti-war protestors - in the Halloween type costumes they wear and the clownish antics they perform. Gone are most of the sincere, and what we have left are childish Kool-aide drinkers looking for excitement and trying to get attention.

The childish are not easily interested in things and become very easily bored. Bored children will find hard-to-take ways to create excitement for themselves.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

PS, the Hamas websites in English for westerners are designed to western tastes and VERY different from the cheezy design of the same site for an Arab audience.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

PSS, those versions of Hamas websites for westerners also leave out things found on the Arab-language version like their cute little GIF-animated mushroom clouds exploding over Israel too ;-)

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger FIGHTER said...

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At 8:39 PM, Blogger Katherine Gunn said...

In my experience, they didn't stop until I was reduced beyond begging and was just cowering with my head down (yes, from words). Then they quit and with a satisfied look on their face, left. It is simply perverse to say that the one cowering with their head down is the one being "mean."

 
At 12:39 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

Eaxctly.

Now, how do the bystanders and "experts" who do this expect us to react to it?

It's about time they were warned what an outrage they are committing. And what they are asking for in answer.

 
At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was pummeled by words, gaslighting, baiting, projection, manipulation, control etc. etc. by sneaky, smug mental health therapists. From one to the next, they all employed the same brand of narcissistic warfare. Gee, and I thought they were there to help me not attack me. Unfortunately, I discovered that this poisonous behavior is indeed the norm.

This lead me to believe that one of the dirty little secrets of the mental health field is that it's crawling with malignant narcissists who abuse their patients. Malignant narcissists in mental heath are the same as pedophiles who work with children. They go where they can get their evil compulsions satisfied. But would the mental health field cop to this?! Hell no!! No group wants to admit it attracts evil perverts. To hell with human safety, the image of the institution is protected.

Can you imagine a more tantalizing position for a narcissist than that of therapist? The mental health profession is a a virtual feeding frenzy for these sadists. They thrive on human suffering, they salivate over others misfortunes, they get pleasure from seeing and causing pain, they lick their chops at your soft spots and go in for the kill, they rape and pillage minds, they demand power and control, they steal your trust and violate your confidence, the lie, manipulate, con and confuse. Their goal is to turn you against yourself. And, if these bottom feeders succeed, they've got a patient and a pay check for life!

Narcissists don't want to heal they want to harm. Narcissists don't want to end human suffering they want to prolong it. Human suffering makes them feel bigger, better and happier. The mental health business offers never ending narcissistic supply. Talk about throwing vulnerable prey to predators! Mental health patients are merely cash cows and hosts to these parasites!

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Katherine Gunn said...

Another field that seems to attract narcissists is the church. Imagine having spiritual power over a whole room full of people. Imagine all the people coming to you for spiritual advice and counsel on personal problems. Narcissistic supply heaven. It is another area that will not self-police; partly because there is not a huge level of accountability and partly because churches have become for too concerned about appearances over truth. Sadly, in both churches and the mental health industry (the 2 places that people turn to for help on the deepest levels) we must take the attitude of caveat emptor - let the buyer beware. It is deplorable that the people who are in the most mental distress from abuse have to beware of the people that are supposed to be there to help them.

 
At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember so well disintegrating on the floor in front of my N the day after my birthday, when he told me that I am pathetic because I have no one but him, and he is with me out of pity...that not even my son wanted to be with me on my birthday.

I stupidly had just confided that in him the day before - that I really felt alone in the world, very unloved and abandoned. (Like most abused women)

As I crumbled before him after his attack, he reached into his cupboard for a wine glass, he poured himself a drink and held the glass to the air...toasting himself and what a great guy he is...

...all while I was on the floor of his kitchen, sobbing, feeling like the most worthless person in the world. I wanted to die.

He enjoys this power. It is deadly.

As I look back on the times he was most brutal, I see a pattern:

He would offer me something, and then when I took it, he resented it. He would seethe with resentment.

He would invite me somewhere and then turn angrily to me and ask, "Why are you always here?"

He would give me a gift and get mad if I used it, or if I didn't use it. Often to the point where he would ask for it back.

He would offer me something wonderful and get angry that I enjoyed it, and rip it away.

Once he actually told me that he couldn't have me on his property because he knew if I got hurt there I would sue him.

This guy was the guy who said he loved me most in the world. Who promised to change, who cried at my feet when I would leave him.

He asked me to marry him and then said because I didn't answer in time, the offer was revoked.

All the while, if I would object to any of this abuse, I WAS HURTING HIM.

The whole time, he remained generous, and I was the sue-happy, greedy bitch who didn't appreciate any of it.

My agony wasn't real to him. He said it was just my manipulation of him to get what I wanted.

Poor him.

I asked him once, if I am such a manipulator, if I am so cunning and cutthroat and greedy, why am I the one sitting here with my eyes swollen and feeling suicidal while he is golfing at his country club?

When he has no answer, he runs away. Then he rewards himself with a new $20,000 BMW motorcycle.

If he really was a bad guy, he wouldn't have a new motorcycle, right?

Then, when he knows I am crying and suicidal at home, he makes sure he takes it for a spin in front of my house.

I feel a rage inside me that burns red hot.

And except for leaving him, there is nothing I can do about it.

Absolutely nothing.

Thanks for being here today Kathy, sometimes a blog can pull someone up from a very dark place.

 
At 3:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear anonymous,

I'am touched by you're story. You too met evil.

It had nothing to do with you, you're manipulated and almost destroyed. The hard thing is, to heal again and climb up the mountain. You will get there, but it will take a while, give yourself this mercy.

wish you all the best and strenght. go for it! Remember, you're not alone. Many of us survived and got a better life.

JT B

 
At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

JT B -

I cannot tell you how much your kind words have helped, thank you so much for caring enough to say them. Everyone here seems to be a real guardian angel.

He has been a master at degrading me, and the girl who used to smile and always see the good in everything is gone. I miss her a lot.

It makes me sick now to actually keep thinking that only he can make me feel better - I understand it is classic stockholm syndrome, but knowing it and getting rid of that feeling are two different things. I hope in time I will pull out of this.

Thanks again. I am sorry we all find ourselves here, but it is good to know we aren't alone.

Lilygirl

 
At 6:25 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

hey, Lilygirl, you'll find that smiling girl again, the only difference will be that she has matured somewhat from the life lesson, maybe a bit more cynical, but it is our life experiences that make us up who we are.

Your N was indeed a very evil man. Sounds a lot like my Ex-NPD. In the end I learned to NEVER tell him what I wanted or needed - NEVER. He'd always go out of his way to sabotage it or stomp on it.

Eventually, in the relationship, if I needed something, I'd stand with my hands on my hips and yell at him! Yes, I did that. It was like a child/parent relationship with him and it was awful. Other than that, I avoided him like he was the plague. December last year, I moved out, under cover, he never knew I was doing it. Because he had degenerated into name calling, I had become 'crazy' for making my voice known and he was escalating to physical violence. There's absolutely no way you can have a mutual relationship with an N.

Try and deal with that rage. Work through it. If you have strong feelings of anger, betrayal, disappointment, loss etc., you are still tied to him. Work on letting that go, it will happen, it took me about a year to move from pure hatred of him, to feeling nothing. Once that happened, I started to rebuild myself again.

I'm not that fun loving carefree women I was before I met him,, but now I'm that expereienced, fun loving, carefree and AWARE woman now. I have found it empowering, experiences with an N do not have to be forever crippling. Good luck, eh?

 
At 9:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fighter,

I exposed the XN, scammer online. To this day he cannot resist going to see if the exposing is still posted. He has written the site owner, smeared ME to everyone who he believes can "help" him remove the "lies" because I was just out for "revenge" according to him.

Mind you, I never got my money back, I was abused to the point of getting physically sick, my thyroid totally shut down from stress and yes, this is documented by my physician, my son became depressed and had to go on meds and on and on and on and the ONLY consequence to the N was the unforgivable sin of exposure. I told.

So months later he is making it his business to smear me, my intentions, going to sites I've gone to for help and guidance, writing the owners to "warn" them that I am some nut who is out to "ruin my life" yada, yada, yada....it's so bizarre. He got away with so much harm, I made ONE exposing post and noooo I'm not taking it down. He's doing everything in his power to get it removed. It's such an unjust affront to him don't you know. Give me a break!!

It's a "threat" because he might be totally found out by any new targets and that is just intolerable. I have to laugh almost because it's only ONE CONSEQUENCE. Not revenge, not anything I even pay attention to. He's the one going back to revisit it over and over and over and to pop and once in a while to in one breath say the women posting these scammers are all crazy, "sitting around in their mou mou's all bitter and vengeful and insane." and then appealing to these very women to believe that is is sympathetic to them but, sometimes one pops up who is just mean and crazy, meaning me.

Good god. Do they EVER just suck up even the smallest of truths about themselves? Do they EVER just see that they got away with murder already so we might have the right to tell the truth about what they have done their entire lives??

All along I knew that he saw so many tiny things as an "attack" even when I was being understanding...what I know now is that the truth IS an attack to them in all cases. It attacks the false image they must hold to.

It has been interesting to watch how insanely and intently this posting of his deeds bothered him. He's so driven to discredit me now. I've seen a lot of people who ought to know better fall for it too but, then there are those of us who have been targets of this madness and they always catch on to him right away. God he hates that more than anything. He makes demons of anyone who directly confronts his truth twisting.

N's loathe the truth more than anything they loathe the truth about themselves and they loathe YOU if you ever are so bold as to come out and tell it. That's the biggest attack of all to them. You are not playing by the script at all if you tell it and god they want to control that so badly!

 

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