Saturday, August 19, 2006

Great Comments

Again I must say that the comments posted here are really good. People add their two cents to note another aspect of something. They give an example. They give their own impressions. It all helps us understand. And understanding NPD is the key to avoiding or escaping victimization by somebody else's disease.

Though each narcissist has his or her own strategy, optimized for their particular situation in life, at bottom they're all the same. So much the same that they could be clones. That would be evident if they all had the same situation in life.

Ironically, they are each convinced that they're unique, special.

It seems to me that they are machines. You can't get them to behave the way you want them to, because they aren't programmed to. But if you know what they're programmed to do, you can control them like you control a software program -- just by pushing the their buttons.

Wanna see a smile? Flatter them. Wanna see a temper tantrum? Depart from their script by acting like their equal. Wanna see a rage? Try to appease one of their fits. Like I said, it's like pushing buttons.

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At 6:56 AM, Blogger Not Available said...

As per usual Kathy you are spang-straight on.
As Dr. (!) Vaknin says, "input the coins of narcissistic supply and they'll do whatever you want."
I wrestled with this one for a bit of time, as my comments here may have shown; I mean, I still believe that compassion works, tempered with discernment as to who to allow close to you. However, upon careful consideration, trying to maintain even CIVIL "relationships" with people who hate/are afraid of me is NOT my idea of good community. Like many survivors, when I am around a severely afflicted narcissist I LOSE MY ABILITY TO SPEAK. Yes, to even squeak words out, they're such vacuums.

At 10:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm. Problem is, when you decide you have too much self-respect to keep depositing those coins of NS, you wind up in a pretty precarious position.

As far as prompting a rage, what are the chances a narcissist could fly so deep into rage mode that he'd forget to cover his tracks and leave some evidence for the rest of the world? (And if so, explain a bit more about provoking a rage by appeasing his fits -- I could really use some evidence!)

At 10:45 PM, Anonymous kathy k said...


Notice that I am not hawking any scientific theories here. So, I am not about to get side-tracked by submitting "evidence." That would detract from what I am trying to do, and it would be inappropriate for someone like me who has no credentials and is no formal expert.

I'm not trying to prove anything. Or persuade anybody. These are just my observations and thoughts, how I have put the pieces the together to make sense. See if it squares with your own observations and intimations. Then accept what you want and reject what you want. Always think and judge for yourself. Never take anybody's word for gospel on anything.

Though of course I think each thing I say is right, I know very well that I am probably a bit off on things here and there. I learn here too.

If you just meant that you want examples of what I meant by that, you can find some on the main website. The one that probably hits most directly on what you want is here.

At 10:53 PM, Anonymous kathy k said...

PS, as for the chances that a narcissist's rage could make him blow it and unmask himself: That idea presumes that his rage is genuine. If it were, he couldn't turn it on and off like a switch.

I have seen an older narcissist get so befuddled and hazy in his half-real, half fantasy world that he forgets himself and blows it, but my impression is that this was because of the damage he had done to his mental capacity over time, not because he was really that enraged over anything.

At 4:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I spoke earlier about my mother being in an assisted care facility. She was 97 and had ovarian cancer. I believe that this was the first time in her adult life that she couldn't control everything. The first time that she wasn't on center stage and was just one of the many elderly people that were being cared for.

She called me one evening to tell me that she had accidently plugged up the toilet and water had flooded all over the bathroom floor. The director had called a plumber to fix it. He told her that it was going to cost thousands of dollars to fix it and that she would have to pay for it.

I tried to calm her down, telling her that it wasn't going to cost thousands and the facility would pay for it. She wouldn't have it. She said they would put a lein on my house.

Then she went on to tell me that she couldn't use her phone because it was controlled by the people in the office. I asked her what phone she was using to call me. There was a long pause and then she went into a rage which lasted about 10 minutes. I was trying to calm her and she just kept going. I was going to live a life of hell and on and on and on.

After we hung up I immediately called the nurse on duty and asked her to check on my mom. I told her she sounded psychotic or something. The nurse went straight to my mother's room and called me back a few minutes later. She said my mother was in bed and sound asleep.

Now I know that if I had raged for ten or more minutes, there is no way I could go to bed and be asleep in ten minutes or less. I would have been riled for a long time.

By the way, the story about the toilet was a complete lie.

At 7:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Thanks -- I didn't mean I need evidence to back up what you say. By and large, my own experience has been enough to convince me. Just wish I had "evidence" for the rest of thhe world of what it's been like living with this guy. I've finally come far enough to quit worrying that I am the crazy one -- but I still obsess a bit about what friends and family are thinking as I prepare to leave.

But I think you answered that question in your p.s. -- it's always been about beating me down, not about genuine rage and it is unlikely to suit his purposes to unmask himself. So ultimately I need to come to terms with the fact that there will be people who think I'm nuts and not waste my time worrying about that.

At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is liberating to say this... my mother is a narcissist. It appears that my mother decided that her first born daughter (myself) was suitable pray, there is a thirteen year gap between me and my sister. I endured physical(from pre-school through to my early teens) and psychological abuse. The latter continues now that I am in my mid thirties.

My mother has suggested that my husband of 5 years is a narcissist. Which may or may not be the case, as there are issues there too. However, what she inadvertantly did was shine the spot light on herself!!! I have no doubt that she is one.

I still do not have a "voice" in the company of my either of my parents or my sister. I would say that my father is afraid to have a separate relationship with me, we have never been allowed to get close. My sister does all she can survive and not become a target herself! She stands to inherit a large amount of money. I've already been told that any inheritance I get will go directly into a trust for my children's education. My mother uses money as one of her many tools of control.

Right now i have my second born on my lap - three months old - and can best describe what I'm feeling as a eureka moment!!! In a stange way it is exciting... the future holds many possibilities. Over the past three years I have gradually realised the truth behind all the "shoulds" (e.g. my mother should have my best interests at heart). I'm on the road to freeing myself, but it will take covert action over a period of time. If I put my mind to something it generally pays off. So my primary concern is to get my new business up and running and thereby become financially independant. I need to build a new life for myself and my sons. With two young sons and a business to get off the ground I will have my work cut out for me!


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