Monday, February 26, 2007

Abusive Brainwashing Techniques

Via Heart 2 Heart:

Abusers brainwash their intimate partners using methods similar to those of prison guards who recognize that physical control is never easily accomplished without the cooperation of the prisoner. The most effective way to gain that cooperation is through subversive manipulation of the mind and feelings of the victim, who then becomes a psychological, as well as a physical, prisoner. These methods form the core of abuse.

Read the rest.
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At 5:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

your links are helpful and important. my N is acting normal to the point of almost being a regular guy again. we still don't interact but he is getting better at making it look good to other people. i do not want to let down my guard for a minute. he left a message for me about not coming home on time yadda yadda just like we were ward and june cleaver. which is pretty odd considering we spent the whole weekend avoiding each other. somethin's up. jt

At 10:45 AM, Anonymous gh said...

Isn't that the worst? When you've gotten to the point that normalcy becomes a warning sign. Kathy has posted before on forgiveness and accountability and so forth, and I thinks that's meaningful here. If he had said, geez, I've been a complete jerk, I'm sorry for how I've mistreated you, etc., and then called to tell you he was going to be late, it would seem alot like an effort to make amends. But out of the blue? It's just a sign that he's trying to pretend at normalcy and you have to be on guard. He wants something, you just don't know what yet.

At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

exactly. thankyou gh! you all can't know how glad i am to have found this site when i did. i'd never even heard of narcissism til this summer. (well i knew of the mythology, but not of what all this meant). it is nice to know a different way to look at this odd behavior. it hurts- but way less than it used to. actually i take that back-in a way it hurts more- but at least now maybe LESS HARM will be done! jt

At 6:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

gosh gh, i just read your comment again and i want to say a more emphatic thankyou. this is what is so overwhelming at times- that other people everywhere else just don't get what we get here. "if he had said...he's trying to pretend..."!!! that's what nobody else gets! it's just pretend with him. he really doesn't do it for the reasons we do- it's totally twisted with him. ugh and heavy sigh. but also truly big thankyous my friend, jt

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Yeah. I've learned to be suspicious of people who act like it didn't happen. They don't get me to play along anymore, and I don't care how "unforgiving" they think that makes me.

That's not right. That's revising history. That's a whole different thing than acknowledging that you did something and then trying to make it up to that person. A whole different thing.

At 5:38 AM, Anonymous gh said...

I can't wait to get to the point wherre I, too, don't care how "unforgiving" they think that makes me. Me, I still do get caught up on that. Maybe because of the bystander bit -- I want the people who look from the outside in at us to understand WHY I am so unforgiving.

jt -- you're very welcome. I agree 100% that the very best thing about this blog is seeing how much alike they all are and knowing there are at least a handful of people who understand that. I'm blown away virtually everytime I pop by here to find someone relaying a story that is almost exactly what's happened to me. Eeerie, but reassuring.

At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omigosh gh-that is me(too) exactly-"i want the people who look from the outside in at us to understand WHY i am so unforgiving". that is me exactly!!! jt

At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi. I just recently am feeling the ultimate relief of realizing, consciously, that I was with a narcissist. It is like being released from prison. He is absolutely classic and also has OCD. That he knows consciously and talked about. (Woops, I almost used present tense.)

His hooks included consistent claims that something was going to change and huge empty apologies. Following, of course, was no change and repetitive actions.

My god, I was blinded. Still, it really helps to understand this disorder. It seems to accelerate the healing process 100 fold.

At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The MOST difficult thing about relationships with narcissists is the waking totally up to the FACT that you have loved a phantom, a mask, an "ACT" and have been in their play without your knowledge or consent. My god, how do you begin to grieve a "persona" it's fantasy land and trying to get OUT of it because these relationships are like being in a cage, is very, very difficult.

The second hardest thing is the devaluing and discarding they do. Because they have created the fantasy that you were over the top important to them in the beginning. You are love bombed, charmed beyond compare. You keep feeling because they tell you so fervently in between abuses that they want to get back to the "solid" stage of your relationship or even have a solid stage. So while you are being bled dry financially, and abused emotionally and psychologically, exploited in so many ways it's unimaginable even though it has happened to you, they are doing nothing but using you up.

When you are used up, you will be devalued "I deserved far better" as I was told by the Xn I was with, and without any feelings discarded.

You are left reeling, in pain beyond anything because NORMAL relationships don't usually break that way. NORMAL people have feelings for someone they truly loved that much, even if it doesn't work out.

Not N's. They move on to new supply adoration is calling elsewhere to them. They morph on you into a totally new persona FOR THE NEW SUPPLY of course, you are relegated to being nothing more than a non useful "broken" appliance.

They seem puzzled if you try to tell at your extreme pain...puzzled!! Or irritated. NORMAL people would automatically know why this love bombing, intense, abusive being dropped like a hot rock experience would be traumatic. Not N's! They believe it IS normal and what's more it's ALL YOUR FAULT. They deserved so much better!

How dare you run dry of supply on me! I know I left you and all that but, can't you JUST sit on the back burner for when I am bored for MY all consuming needs? HOW DARE YOU they cry!

The whole experience is so brutally unfair and abusive it really isn't worth it at all.

I was with Xn for going on five years. It nearly killed me. I didn't want to live and believe me when I met him I was happy, secure, etc...not one area of my life was untouched or undamaged...and it's all my fault according to the N.

When I ceased to function as supply, he never asked a thing about my welfare again. Not even when I was very ill. But he'd try calling if HE wanted to "chat"

It's bizarre how they ruin you and then think you would want to just be "friends" with them afterwards.

I told my Xn, that he would have to BE a friend too. He hung up on me! lol. They are like babies. Demanding as hell and not worth the effort and certainly not worth the damage they do.

I don't think I'll ever get completely over the wreckage he's made of my life.

If you figure out early into a relationship that you are with an N. I know it is very hard but, my god RUN! They will cry "I want to do better" into their shoes. It's ALL FAKED! Face that as quickly as you can and walk away.


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