Thursday, March 22, 2007

866 Responsibility Dodging Excuses for Abuse

From Sanctuary for the Abused:

Abusers will minimize, justify, deny, distort, lie about and blame others for their behavior to escape consequences, It is our responsibility to hold them accountable.

Then follows a list of 866 abusers' excuses produced by the Alternatives to Domestic Aggression (ADA) Program of Catholic Social Services of Washtenaw County.

It includes my favorites, like "That's just the way I am."

Ever heard that one with your Irony Detector functioning? If you did, then you know it's a joke.

The subliminal suggestion is that you just have to put up with the narcissist, because that's just the way they are = they can't be any different. Tough cookies.

Let's run a logic check on that. "The way they are" is abusive to you. Thus, with that slick talk they "reason" that you must tolerate anything they feel like doing to you.

How's that for crazy? So, you have no right to do anything about how they treat you. They can insult you, but you mustn't insult them back. They can hit you, but you mustn't hit them back. They can slander you, but you must keep their bad deeds a secret for them.

Jeez, was it the innocent who made the rules of this game? I think not. I think the rules of this game were dreamed up in Hell.

That gives the narcissist anti-reason to ever stop abusing you. And you were born yesterday if you don't realize that people will never stop doing a bad thing to you unless you make sure there are adverse consequences to hurting you.

By this Nimrodean nonsense the narcissist denies you the right to decent treatment. Because narcissists just can't help it, you see: they have to take a crap on someone every so often, and you are handy. The poor things. THEY are in pain!

This joke has a double punch line.

The next one is that - guess what a narcissist is usually getting mad at you about? Think back. It's usually over some vague rendition of you just being the way you are. Yes, everything about you is always "too this" or "too that" for them to tolerate.

Like maybe you don't smile enough. Maybe you're too sensitive. Or maybe you're too into sports. Or maybe you're not receptive enough to their criticisms of you. (That's one of their favorites.) Whatever. Though you just being the way you are has no effect on him or her whatsoever, God need not tolerate you being that way.

How's you irony detector doing now?

In other words, you have no right to be the way you are = you have no right to be. You are not the author of your self, the narcissist should be = the narcissist owns you. He or she has the right to determine what you should be.

Indeed, how many times have you heard your narcissist say that they "don't have to put up with that" = the way you are?

That is crazy. Now you see why narcissists must control you. Because they cannot control themselves.

They are children in adult bodies. When children go wild it is some grown-up's fault for not preventing them them from doing wrong. Right? For example, if children destroy property, Mom and Dad are responsible. If children run amok in a classroom, the teacher is responsible. Right? Children are irresponsible. Narcissists like it there in Never Never Land and never leave.

Read the other 865 jokes from the Big Babies' Club here.

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At 7:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is exactly the trick mine uses to make ME feel like the bad guy.

He will insult me, I will then become offended and possibly be put in a bad mood etc. Then he will come back, and tell me I’m always pointing the finger at him and always in a bad mood. In his mind I am the cause of all of our problems, because I didn’t sit there and take his abuse.

He really doesn’t seem to comprehend this to be his fault. But like you said the are like children in never-never land, they don’t hear what they don’t want to, they think they are always right and will throw a temper-tantrum if they aren’t getting their own way or do not like what you have to say to them.

Now instead of getting upset, I laugh it off and look at him like an over tired child.

At 7:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

mine wraps things up by saying "it is what it is" all philosophical like. Man Kathy you are soooooo on with this article!!!! jt

At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My N brother likes to use "Oh you think you you're always right,your a model citizen!" Lately I can no longer continue the arguments, I feel totally drained afterward. The most frustrating thing is the bold faced lying. Thanks to this website and the comments about (narcissistic siblings trying to have other siblings disinherited). I discovered "on my own" that my N brother did in fact get my 80+ year old Mother to put him on the Deed to her home as a "joint tenant".(He lives upstairs) This means when she passes, No Probate, it supercedes her Will, the home goes to him upon her death. When I confronted him he denies it and says it's not true. I told him I have the evidence and he still denies it.You start to question your sanity.

At 6:19 PM, Blogger Debb said...

I have just went through the same exact scenario with my ex boyfriend. ex, putting me in a bad mood ect. I think the only thing that is hard for me right now is the fact that he stole my heart before showing his traits. I am grateful that I have researched this behavoir a few years back and was able to see it....well 2 months later and know it's the best thing for me. But how do you get them out of your heart? I won't go back with him, thats for sure. It's just the healing process
is so hard.

At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i think part of the healing is in seperating out the behaviors- maybe even making side by side lists- then examining them to the point where you really can't deny what jerks they are. don't be all"yes,but...yes but he was so nice on thursday or yes but he was such a big help with the party the other day or yes but he had such a hard childhood..." you can have the two lists, but eliminate the word "but" in between. look at the list that made you feel bad. and leave that as is. if he (or she) made you feel bad, spend some time thinking how that truly did make you feel bad! and how you really disliked it and it affected you other places...decide that you were wronged in some way. figure out that you may suffer a loss. spend some time grieving that loss. and recognize that that is what you are doing. it doesn't feel good!- but you have to be realistic. if "playing pretend that everything is alright" hurts-you have to make some choices. be conscious of yourself- even(especially) when it hurts. love jt


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