The Narcissist's Mirror
From Dracula, by Bram Stoker, a good example of how a narcissist sees a grandiose reflection of himself in the look on your face:
...while Count Dracula was speaking, there was that in his eyes and in his bearing which made me remember that I was a prisoner, and that if I wished it I could have no choice. The Count saw his victory in my bow, and his mastery in the trouble of my face, for he began at once to use them, but in his own smooth, resistless way.
Your face is a mirror of the image the narcissist projects. It need only be grandiose. Therefore, admiration isn't the only thing narcissists want to make appear on your face. They also love to see defeat and trouble there.
If you are more powerful than they, someone they fear, you are at little risk of abuse, though you'll be conned and exploited like crazy. But if you are someone he or she can get away with trampling, you WILL get trampled, simply because trampling others is the ultimate narcissistic fix.
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I like to tell an example of how far this can go from what I've experianced myself.
Just to show how wicked and purposely bad it is.
It was in the stage of my relationship with her that I already was so confused and vunarable that I wasn't up to- and prepaired of what was coming next.
And even if I had been very strong I never had expected it.
My mother then, was in the last stages of cancer. It was a very difficult time. She (my girlfriend) told me often before that she would be there when I needed her. I mean especialy when she was about to die. In fact she never supported me in the whole proces before and was never there. She only told me so. Somehow I took that for granted. I believed her words.
When my mother went to hospital for the last time she suddenly came up with the news she wanted to go to Australia for 6 weeks and asked me to come along. Knowing of course that that was impossible for me. She saw the dissapointment and sadness in my eyes and told me I was an egoist for expressing this dissapointment and reminding her of her promise she would be there for me when it was needed most. She neede that journey so bad, she told me. I remember we went for a walk in the forest before she would leave and I was very sad. The only thing she did was pounding on me that I was weak and selfish expressing my sadness about her leaving me when my mother was about to die. The more I got confused the more she started raging till the point I started to cry. This was the trigger to kill me off. She started screeming she'll leave right away and walked away leaving me just sitting there.
I ran to her and asked please not to leave this way. I was totaly defeated.
She left to Australia. Ten day's later my mother died after having a stroke 4 days earlyer which I had informed her per E-mail and also telling that her she was expected to die in a week or so. Still hoping she would come back and again expressing my grieve about she not being with me now. She reacted cool and wished me luck, that was all. Four day's later my mother died. I informed her about it and the date of the funeral and again expressing my deep greeve and dissapointment she was not with me now.
The reaction that came now blew me away.
She got angry and told me that with my attitude I only made things worse.
I reacted again, making excusses when I've something wrong telling her I was emotionaly cofused. She didn't awnser till the morning of the funeral with the following e-maíl:
"I donn't want to stabb you in the back and I know this is the most difficult moment for you to hear it, but I decided to end our relationship now".
A few hours later the funeral started. I was totaly devestated.
What happened afterwards and when she came back from Australia is also just unbelieveble when you donn't know about NPD and the crualty and wickedness of it.
But that's another (same kind of) story.
For me this story shows clearly the point you make Kathy.
Their grandiosety is not only about admiring, that wouldn't be so harmfull.
The essence of NPD is their feeling great when feeling their power and the opportunity when they can demolish people who put trust in them.
My sadness and dispear just triggered her to become crueler and crueler.
It's realy no joke. I think that's clear.
greetings, Gerard
That's exactly it. Exactly what they do. EXACTLY.
Hard to believe. In fact, the victim doesn't right away. But facts are facts. That's what malignant narcissits do. They set you up to devesate you for maximum impact.
That ain't no accident. That is sadistic.
Frankly, I have little patience for people with so little empathy themselves that they won't see what is so loathsome about what she did, and come back tommorrow saying something that shows it all went in one ear and out the other - something to the effect that narcissists are just egotistical.
No they aren't. They are predators. Destroyers. Mainly in two ways: First, they go around ruining people's lives with their vicious slander, and second they find people to set up and then knock down to vaunt themselves like this.
Because they like destroying others. They are addicted to it. It makes them feel grand = powerful.
Thank you Kathy. I knew I could tell this story to you and you would understand and believe it. Although, still a bit afraid even you wonn't. That's how deep it goes..
It's almost 4 years ago now and still some pain of this period comes to the surface when I tell it.
I guess you know people generaly just donn't believe you and think you are lying or gone crazy. And before the final blow they set many people up against you where donn't know anything about. That comes much later. It's like the perfect crime.
It took me almost a year to figure it out and that was when I started reading about NPD.
Before that time I couldn't believe it myself either.
So now the reactions off people then, donn't suprise me that much anymore.
A big problem with NPD is -I think- that it's so hard to comprehend.
It look's like- but is so out of normal behaviour. It's so confusingly wicked. When you didn't experianced it yourself and/or know nothing about NPD you just donn't (want to) believe this strange stories.
Long time ago I stopped telling people cause I got this unempathic reactions and saw their gaze of disbelief even from my family and closest friends. Some thought I must have done something terribly wrong to her! When I found out about NPD I knew I made the right discision then. It's not the way to inform people about NPD.
Your way is Kathy and I've tremendous respect for the effort you do, knowing you've been through it yourself.
People can get educated and then start believing it's realy thrue.
And maybe some people then see the red-flags in time and are saved for going through such a emotional holocaust.
At least you and other brave committed people on the internet, by their effort, bring knowlegde and comfort to people who have been their or are in the middle of it, searching for awnsers and recoqnition.
I know it saved me from much worse.
greetings, Gerard
People who just jump to the conclusion that the victim is lying or crazy should notice that this is no easier to believe than that the victim is telling the truth. Why the double standard of proof?
Because they know whom to fear, and it ain't the real victim.
Indeed, who would make up such a tale?
All the bystanders know is that one of the two parties is crazy. But they have no business thinking they are omniscient and can tell which one.
People don't stop and think, reviewing in their mind all their first hand experience with both parties = victim and abuser. If the bystanders took just one minute to recall their own experience with each person, they would see plenty of evidence about their character.
It's easy. Have you ever caught them lying in the past? If yes, then give them no credibility today, moron. Have you ever seen this person remain calm and show restraint under trying circumstances in the past? If so then don't believe any story that has him suddenly changed into the opposite kind of person = one who gets all shook up and overreacts.
Duh! Then your average brain-dead bystander would have some EVIDENCE to know whether it is sensible to judge a person as sensible and having good judgement. They would have PROOF of whether it is sensible to judge a person as honest. They would know how bad a temper a person has.
But - NO - the average brain-dead bystander doesn't use their head at all! They don't take take one minute to review first-hand knowledge and square it with tale they're being told. The average brain-deade bystander just swallows the poison others spill in through their ears.
Stupid is as stupid does.
They never show enough good judgement to ask themselves "Is this the kind of person who would invent and go around spreading such a lie? Has this person ever acted screwy before? Is this person a liar? Does this person generally speak well or badly of others?
You know - JUST A LITTLE COMMON SENSE is all the average brain-dead bystander would need to made an intelligent judgment.
This is because an Ns lies are all projection targeting the victim's virtues, not his or her true faults and failings. So anyone who knows both parties has to be an utter fool to fall for the JOKE accusations Ns make.
But the average brain-dead bystander is a capital fool. Test people. Pick the most obviously honest person in the joint and then tell people that he or she is a liar. They will go "Yup, yup and suck it up."
Why? Why will that line spread like wildfire about a known honest person, much faster and more successfully than about a known liar?
I'll tell you who is "imagining things." It's the brain-dead bystander imaging that people change from one kind of person to the opposite overnight and for no known reason even.
But alas, the average brain-dead bystander just blows it off. Feigning omniscience. Not one bit of REASON or EVIDENCE for their opinion - just one liner slogans by which they DIVINE the truth.
Just as with rape, the bystanders must be punished with moral censure for blaming the victim, or they will NEVER stop doing it.
I have to share this NPD story somewhere, i've never told it to anyo ne before.
my mother the malignant N always loved her faqther and hated her mother, not being able to forgive her immigrant mother for working all the time when she was a child to keep them from starving and to accumulate the millions of dolars my mother now sucks out of her relentlessly. To be fair--her mother (my grandmother)IS cold and withholding, but thats a story for another day.
anyway, the day of her fathers funeral my mother was filled with psychotic rage at the fact that my grandmother--who had just lost her husband of 50 years, the man she met in auschwitz her searched all over germany for her after the war--was grieving SO hard that it didn't "allow" her to grieve and be upset. she berated my weeping grandmother viciously all day, eventually screaming "why did daddy have to die instead of you!". when my grandmother was finally crying hysterically she accused her of faking it. my great-uncle was so horrified by the scene that he burst into tears, on the day his beloved brother died he saw the ugliest thing he had ever seen within a family.
to this day my mother cannot forgive my grandmother for "not letting" her grieve for her father. the existence of other human personae diminishes her on every level--its completely insane.
thanks so much for this blog, i have read everything and finally feel i understand my mother, what she did to me and continues to do and why
I have a story much like Gerards, so I'll tell it in the hope that he will know he's not the only one.
I had 2 brothers, twins, one died 18 months ago at age 40 leaving behind a wife of 32 and an 18 month old son.
I went to his funeral. It was the first funeral I had ever been to. My partner stayed home to babysit our daughter.
I returned home, my NPD partner made comment a insulting comment about my brother that didn't die (something about his smoking, or swearing I think) and laughed at his own joke.
I looked at my partner incredulously with the dawning in my mind of his indifference to the situation and any grief that any members of the family may have had and realised he was NEVER going to ask how I was, how was the family, or how was the poor young widow. He didn't once say sorry for my loss, or even offer to make a cup of tea. He truly didn't care! Never once even batted an eyelid or said anything to anyone about how sad it all was. Didn't give a flying rats! Didn't even offer to make dinner, or go out, he just kept on watching TV after his snickering remark and carried on like it was only a fly that had died.
Amazing really! And truly incredible to witness. No wonder outsiders who've never dealt with a malignant Narc don't 'get it'.
Thank you Lynn, to share this.
It took me more then a year to share my stories and find someone who I trusted to believe and understand me.
After all the disbelief and negative reactions from bystanders I got even more desperate cause by then I didn't understand what was going on either.
I was so utterly confused and in pain and no one believed me, could understand me, and some even blamed me for what happened.Close family, friends. It's just terrible after all you've been through.
You know yourself it happened but by this reactions you really start thinking you are maybe crazy yourself. I went looking for clues in the professional circuit.
I went to a psychiatrist with 30years experiance behind him. He didn't understand/recoqnise it. Treated me like I had a personality problem and was making things up. The doubt and confusion only went bigger.
I went to a recommended psycho-analitica. She was empathic but didn't get it. Was searcing for the problem in me also.
I really listened and tried to look at myself but I knew somewhere the big part wasn't me.
It was like shouting in a dessert.
No one could hear me.
I started searching on the internet and somehow I read about narcissism/NPD and found the site of Alexandra Nouri. There it all fell together. It was such a relief and I e-mailed her and told her my story. She reacted like only one who understands can do; who's been there herself.
She supported me and never ever let me down for more than a year to come.
I'll never forget that and always be very gratefull to her.
People like her and Kathy and others maybe donn't realise it but I believe they are really saving lives sometimes with their work.
I know I've been on the edge and I believe Alexandra saved mine back then. I cann't find her on the net anymore but -who knows- when somehow she reads this I want to thank her again with all my heart.
Maybe this is all a bit sentimental but me writing like this over that period is knowing I've come a long way and got strong again.
It understates I think the topics from Kathy about the importance of believe and recoqnition.
When victims are still confused and in doubt I have one strong advice: take her and others words to the heart. Believe it and believe yourself. You are not the one who is crazy or even wrong.
greetings, Gerard
Gerard, you may also find some understanding in books about abuse. I highly recomment Patricia Evans, she seems to have nailed the examples and all her theories fit.
You'll find that most abuse literature refers to the man being the abuser, but it can work the other way.
Also reading this site helps very much. I read abuse books, come here and visit a Psych forum a bit to see if I can glean information from other victims - doesn't happen too often.
Dear Gerard
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal story. It struck a chord in me. What a dreadful, painful experience. I feel so sad for you. The extent of the malice that Malignant Narcissists inflict on others is truly horrifying.
I admire you very much for facing up to the truth of what really happened and trying to move forward.
With kindest thoughts.
Maggie
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