Monday, October 01, 2007

Starving a Predator

Every interaction with a narcissist is a competition, and the narcissist always wins.

Narcissists win hands down every time, because they will stoop to anything. Despite how absolutely successful their strategy is, we wouldn't trade places with them.

Why? For basically the same reason we wouldn't trade places with a lower life form, a lower animal.

A tiger or a pack of wolves will beat and eat us every time, too. But we couldn't bear to get down to their level and be as they are. We can't bring ourselves to "eat it raw," so to speak. We can't bear to be such killing machines.

Our humanity prevents it. This level of behavior would be an indignity to it. We would rather die human than live like a wild animal.

But not everybody feels that way. Some think nothing of stooping to such dirty, lowdown tactics as the narcissist and psychopath. They don't think it's beneath them. Nothing is beneath them. How low can they go? There is no bottom to how low they can go.

They just think it's funny to make fools of people so. They have no more humanity toward their human victim than a great white shark has.

Guess why?

The things they do are sickening. We would rather crawl naked on our bellies in sewage than degrade our human status by such behavior. But this puts us at a disadvantage with narcissists. They will always win because of it.

The only solution is to recognize the signs and stay away from them. If they can't get close enough to anyone to parasitize, they will starve.

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At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, starvation can be a slow, slow process though ...

I haven't spoken a word to my ex-friend -- a malignant, deceitful narcissist to the bone -- in going on 4 years. Nevertheless, he continues to pop up in public placs where he (apparently) thinks I might turn up. I have to think he's probably got no more than 1% "hit" rate, meaning that he must spend hours a day figuring out how to "happen" to run into me -- it's really sicko. Last week he actually waved across a restaurant at me -- I, of course, looked through him, but it creeped me out, to say the least.

Any ideas on how to hasten the starvation process, or does it just have to run its course?

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

He won't starve just because you aren't available. You aren't the only one who can serve as a meal for him. As their kind say, "There's a sucker born every minute."

Unless people in general are made aware of the predators among us and the warning signs, these vampires find plenty of easy prey.

At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Kim said...

Kathy, it seems such a slow process. Formal education only seems to make an impact AFTER the fact . . . after the abuse. No one thinks they are going to end up "like that". Which is how we get eaten so often.

It's like the experience of a narcissist in your soul cannot be conveyed, it's a special kind of "life lesson" you must experience and only then is it real. I was there, I saw abused women and said "NO WAY!"

I spent seven years with a narc and have been "out" for four months. I live on a farm and I was afraid I'd lose it and shoot his leg off if he dared break the RO. So "NC" has been no problem on my end.

And I won't deny that I love the thought of not contacting him striking him right to his reptile brain/seat of consciousness. Not much worse you can do to a predator than to elude him entirely. I'm lucky, we have no kids and I have no problem shooting him in the leg and he knows it.

Well, there's one less free chicken dinner in this world . . . me :D .

How do you think people (lots of them, like perhaps in general education) could get this information? I'm all for public education . . . I just can't picture an effective scenario. If you can, I'd love to see what you have to say about it.

I've spent a few hours (yes) reading your blog in the last few days. Dang, woman. I've taken huge steps forward in resolution and understanding since reading your work. Thank you so much!


At 10:15 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

If you think this guy is stalking you, you should do something about it, Anon. Seriously. Move if you have to. Anyone who will move about to run into you by "chance" is putting a lot of time and effort into thinking about you and where you might be. That sounds more dangerous than just being a parasite. Narcissists can usually find someone a lot closer at hand than the one that got away, and will just be satisfies with vilification - turning into a stalker is a different problem - don't ignore the signs if that's what's really going on.

At 7:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

interesting point stephanie-narcs have other supply sources- stalkers do spend strange amounts of time...- good warning! jt

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

For 4.10PM Anon, that is stalking behaviour. YOu need to be careful and listen to your intuition that is making you feel his actions are 'sicko', they are, and there is hidden danger in it. Especially since it's been 4 years. Please be careful, document everywhere you see this guy, and report it to the authorities.

Kim, I'm from the same place as you, 5 years ago I had no idea about how one landed themselves in an abusive relationship, now I know. I'm still in with my N partner but he's currently under some level of control. Much education and reading and trial and error have found me a temporary solution to his bad behaviour. I say temporary coz I never really believe an N can change. He can veneer his behaviour over, sure, but never really change his values and beliefs and become empathic coz the base ingredients simply aren't in the mixing bowl. And I used to say "Why on earth does she stay." Today I'm more educated, less ignorant and much more tolerant for the female victims of abusive malignant narcs - man, they are so sneaky and it creeps up on ya. I use my knowledge and experience as empowerment and will be seeking a change of career into the social work field to work with other women going through what I have. Got to get my little one into school first and I've applied to go to Uni for a double degree starting next year. I'll be 50 when I graduate, but it's going to be worth it.

Sure, he's taken me for everything I had, ruined us financially, and ruined the first 3 years of my life as a mother with his controlling and abusive tactics, but I'm over the anger and the hatred and the regrets of ever having met him, and will use it as springboard to a new life, a life of repair and my own self-fulfilment, without him.

Kim, you ask for an effective scenario to educate about Narcs - go the domestic violence route, the pathways and tracks are already in place, do some volunteer work to help abused women as you'll find that most abusers are heavily narcissistic. I've just done 6 months of attending a support group for DV and the women there are eye-openers, they are truly brave women who have stood up to the face of adversity and want to better their lives, without their N's. Scary and exciting all at the same time.

Good luck with your 'out' of 4 months, I hope it continues smoothly.

Take care everyone.

At 8:41 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

oh, forgot to mention that N's will never starve, they are too adept at finding new sources of supply.

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i like your phrase the base ingredients simply aren't in the mixing bowl. when i can think like that i am best off. have you ever made something and it looks like the cake you intended to bake but when you eat it it just doesn't taste right? chances are you left out a main ingredient. these people look real- they can look like us and act like us but they don't think like us. they just don't.very hard to reeeally accept. but it's just true.and you're right- they will never starve- even if we bleed out ! kathy i understand when you liken them to a biological parasite. but that's where all the talk about trying to warn people comes from. we know if they get fed- and they will find some place else to suck supply from- that they won't go away and that more harm will be done.i keep getting this mental image today of coming out of a swamp and trying to free myself of all the slime and seaweed and sludge. when you are still too close to the swamp it's easy to slip and fall back in especially when you are trying to escape. when you get further away and get cleaned up enough to understand how you got so messy it's a lot easier to steer clear of falling back in. jt


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