The Endless Perversity of Narcissism
Here are a couple interesting new comments on old posts that I think you'll appreciate.
Comment 1 and Comment 2.
I dare say that the more I hear, the more I think that treatment does more harm than good.
Nothing you see in them is real. It's all art. It reminds me of some old Star Trek episodes where aliens attack by making you think you see things. Things that aren't there. Nothing, nothing, nothing from a narcissist is genuine. It's all for effect. No wonder they say they feel like they don't exist when alone. They don't. THEY don't ever exist. They're just acting out a character in a work of fiction. Like all art, it's 100% for effect on its audience and 0% functional or for real.
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4 Comments:
It takes a while to be able to see and accept how fully and completely everything they do and say is part of the act but, once you do that you are on the road to healing.
I was astounded to see how my N morphed himself into someone I didn't even recognize when new supply showed up. I mean in less than twenty four hours, his likes and dislikes had changed. Things I had known about him for years became something totally different and untrue to hear him tell it. He was suddenly mirroring someone else and it was the most brutal of unkindnesses to experience his utter disappearing act in one fell swoop. Perversity indeed.
He even acknowledged part of what he was doing because of course he no longer really needed my supply and also partly to feed off my reaction to the horrible and extreme sudden changes in his persona! I would say "Where did you go!?! Why are you acting like this? You never used to like this or that but, now you do?? Who are you, you are acting like someone I don't even know?!???" and he would reply "Oh, you know me but, I HAD to change this way."
In less than twenty four hours? I accused him of play acting to get things from other people. I saw him studying them. The way they talked, their likes and dislikes and pretending to be JUST like them. Then I had to admit that I too had been studied that much, mirrored just that much. That it was ALL a fantasy...a script, a play in which I had no idea I was in. A play that was my REAL life and that I didn't get to chose about. I was not asked if I minded being a part of his "cast" for five years.
All so they can get your money, attention, and so you can be that perfect mirror. They are body snatchers indeed. Good luck warning others. It's all too bizarre and weird to tell, till it happens to you.
That's why I love this blog. It's telling the truth about what these people are and what they do. Time to get the word out and unmask these *$&$*$(^(^($&%%%@@@@@! *insert your own words there* :) sorry. I am slightly more than outraged at having had my life toyed with at the moment.
Absolutely true.
My husband of almost 25 years totally ignored me for almost 2 months (not an uncommon thing for him to do when he was not happy), and when he finally figured out how he could abandon me and our 6 children and make it look like it was all MY fault, he suddenly turned into someone I don't know.
Here was a man who LOVED the outdoors and wide open spaces, and never understood why someone would want to live in the city, who suddenly changed into a man who LOVES going downtown at night and is renting a house sandwiched between many others. Not only that...he's also a very well educated man who now uses bad grammar and country colloquialisms he's never used before.
Funny how the new source of NS speaks the same way. But you know...SHE really loves him. SHE'S going to solve all his life's problems...something I wouldn't do.
(Insert rolling eyes emoticon here.)
I'd be lying if I said I was perfect, but I was not a bad wife. I would have done anything he asked to keep him from leaving...counseling, mentoring, psychological analysis, down-sizing...whatever.
But..."It was always about the kids," says he. Stupid kids (insert rolling eyes emoticon again)...if only they knew it was ALWAYS about HIM.
wow--- this hurts--- we have 6 kids and are approaching 25 years !!! and mine is morphing too--- mr jerk off is "almost normal"... except for with me. i wish he'd just say (but of course he won't) "look- i'm a different actor now- no one else can tell who i used to be cuz i'm not him anymore- now i'm a NICE guy!" shoot me now !!! guess ive gotten handed another bag of @#$% ! ! ! jt
That morphing into another person is terrifying.I think that with holding is part of the "changing" process too. It happened that way with me...after all they have to put ALL their energy into the NEW persona for the NEW supply! You are an object that is wearing out and running out of steam so why would they waste precious energy on you when they can study and learn how to BEHAVE and ACT for the new supply? It takes work to play a whole new "character"
You are really bewildered at first but, then they don't stop! Days turn into weeks and suddenly you are talking to a person you never even knew and you can feel the big smear campaign against you coming about that time. You KNOW you will be discussed and blamed to all the new victims.
Mine did this right after I had helped him get back on his feet by helping him find a new apartment, and loaning him some money etc. for the SECOND time....but, see new supply came along that very week and POOF. They work with the mentally ill so suddenly, this "guys' guy" type of man who hates psycho babble as he called it, is suddenly talking like Dr. Phil every day! Not to mention talking down to me and using it to point out MY "issues"
Give me a break. This man scammed me out of thousands of dollars, was abusive in every possible way and yet now he sits on the holy mount with his new sympathizers talking about my flaws?? I have to laugh!! But it isn't funny....they all believe him and his fake oh so hallmark card like "sincerity"
I was thinking of this today, I believe the morphing and totally re writing your history is every bit as brutally abusive as anything else they ever do. There is no way to defend yourself against it and after all the OTHER abuses you are left in the end to be denied EVEN your own experience of that abuse. It's wiped off the N's slate and the entire relationship is now "labeled" and "filed away" as something it most certainly wasn't.
I have never wanted to hit or physically hurt or harm anyone or anything but, I would take great pleasure in walking up and slapping him with full force in front of his new sympathizers. Why not? He's already got them all convinced I was the bad one, the crazy one, the abusive jealous one and for the fact that he has tried to totally invalidate all the hell I went through it would be justified. I am also angry that he's made me this angry at any other human, it isn't me to feel this way, so even my anger HAS anger!
Alas, I won't ever strike anyone. I don't think he'd get it even if I did and it's enough to be rid of him. There is no justice with an N. Ever. But this goes back to the other conversation we have on here about feelings.
I do believe that channeling our very VALID anger into something that helps us is more than o.k. It's necessary. Otherwise we sink to their level and I KNOW I am better than that. I know I expect more than that of myself. I can go through this and face it, grow and learn from it. N's never can being too cowardly to ever do a thing but, morph and act in another play. They run from everything.
You see they shove their bad feelings off on to us as much as possible right before they leave...right around the time they morph for the new supply. I realize that at the very end, it was ME who felt like hell about myself, me who was angry and hurt. He really ought to OWN these things for himself but, they are experts at giving you the full responsibility for this stuff.
One thing I will not take on for him is the shame. It's all his. He earned that shame whether he faces that or not. The best thing in the world I feel now is KNOWING that I can return fully to myself all the good he tried to vampire out of me. I know who I am and that I have not left a trail of ruined lives behind me. It feels so good to be able to shake awake and feel *whew* I'm getting myself BACK. I am healing and thank GOD I got away from whatever that thing was!
What really frightens me though is that I am not the only one who attempted suicide while with my N or because of his abuse. I know what happened in the lives of the other three women before me over the last twenty years....god, help them. My heart aches for them...but, when is he going to push someone too far?? His psychological abuse is the worst of the worst and he loves to pick sensitive people and get them to risk everything for him. I told him that one day he was going to do this and someone wasn't going to survive it. He didn't bother to pretend he didn't know what I meant. He acknowledged the damage then, he barely even grunted a response and kept watching t.v....no feelings about the damage in there at all.
I wish he'd show that side just once to those who are giving him their pity now.
I guess a person who never even grieved his own mother's death at all wouldn't care. He turns his lack of grief into a PLUS of course, he says "I have a HIGHER way of feeling about these things so I don't miss people when I lose them." NO he just has NO FEELINGS and attempts to explain this away by giving himself a guru like excuse for it. That alone is so repulsive it makes me shudder to remember it.
When my N's mother was dying in the hospital he would not go see her. He said "I was afraid it would upset ME too much!" Then when people marveled that he didn't cry or grieve her death OR that he never missed anyone he ever lost in life he'd give the above "higher way of seeing" response as if it is normal not to ever grieve anyone you have "loved" Tell this to someone who never lived with an N and they won't believe you but, I lived with a hollow shell. A shark that was a predator who truly feels nothing for his fellow human beings the way any normal human would. N's attempt to turn their vices into virtues to anyone who will believe it. According to my N it was his higher spiritual understanding that caused his utter lack of feelings about people he lost in life. What it really is that they have ceased to function for his purposes so he can't feel a thing about them at all! They are all appliances that were only ever here for his USE.
How horrible a person do you have to be when the very best your loved ones can say about you is that they SURVIVED you??? And that's all they can say?? Not one person who ever loved my N, even those in his own family are left feeling anything for him except pity, contempt and revulsion. But I don't feel sorry that it is this way. He fully caused every bit of this and then repeatedly morphed and left every single person to deal with the mess he made of their lives. Then blamed us all one by one.
They morph for someone else when you run out of trust and money and when they have caused YOU so much damage that it's just easier to go and fake a new persona with a new person or group of people. God forbid they would take any responsibility for the suffering they cause.
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