I read a spy novel that explained how spies subvert and corrupt people from the other side to manipulate them. Deceit is the name of the game. The chief tactic is relying on the deceived to make ASSUMPTIONS he or she shouldn't make. Assumptions people don't even realize they are making.
We do this with narcissists.
For example, when they blow up, we assume that they do it because they feel offended or threatened.
That's an assumption that works works for Earthlings, not Plutonians. We show our temper on the premise that doing so will make an offending or threatening party back off. We aren't even tempted to blow up for any other reason. (It's an unpleasant state of mind that we avoid.) So we do this for strictly defensive reasons. We have no urge to use this behavior offensively just to run somebody over for the glory of doing so.
But don't assume that about narcissists. Fighting is something they don't mind at all. It works at getting them what they want, so they actually engage in it for no reason at all, just to push people around. My own experience makes me think that narcissists actually enjoy conflict and arguing and fighting.
Whenever you aren't playing the part they've scripted for you, they flip the switch into obnoxious mode to herd your behavior back in the direction they want. You know, like a cowboy herding a stray steer.
It works too, doesn't it? You will do anything to get that spoiled brat to stop screaming.
That's all they're doing.
They may seem about to blow a gasket, but it's just a mask. One of many they put on. Remember that they do everything for effect.
Not to express themselves.
This is a fundamental difference between them and us.
They are never expressing themselves: they are just making faces in a mirror. It isn't to express themselves: it is to manipulate YOU. They will use a frown just as readily as a smile or a punch as readily as a kiss - it's all the same to them.
Because it's totally utilitarian. Don't take it to heart. (They don't.)
The mask they have on at any given moment is no more indicative of what they are feeling inside than the Halloween mask of a child is. They are actors on a stage, 24-7-365. None of it is real.
Which is why narcissists can switch masks in the blink of an eye. (Which by the way is a red flag.)
Another example. If a narcissist senses that you are getting ready to leave him, he may change and work to keep you.
We assume that this is because we mean something to them. Ah, how comforting. That's very tempting to believe. We want to believe it with our whole heart and soul.
But this isn't because YOU mean anything to him, at least not in the way you think. Narcissists are parasites. They need a host. If they lose you they'll have to find another one, that's all.
In other words, you mean nothing more to them than you mean to a blood-sucking tick.
This is why once they have you won over and back again, they go right back to sucking your blood.
They are like machines in doing this, so don't take it personally.
Assumptions, assumptions, assumptions. It's very hard to remember you are dealing with people from Pluto, who aren't acting on normal human premises, so that you can't make the assumptions about their behavior that would be correct if you made them about a normal person.
narcissistic personality disorder narcissism