Saturday, September 08, 2007

Dangerous Assumptions

I read a spy novel that explained how spies subvert and corrupt people from the other side to manipulate them. Deceit is the name of the game. The chief tactic is relying on the deceived to make ASSUMPTIONS he or she shouldn't make. Assumptions people don't even realize they are making.

We do this with narcissists.

For example, when they blow up, we assume that they do it because they feel offended or threatened.

That's an assumption that works works for Earthlings, not Plutonians. We show our temper on the premise that doing so will make an offending or threatening party back off. We aren't even tempted to blow up for any other reason. (It's an unpleasant state of mind that we avoid.) So we do this for strictly defensive reasons. We have no urge to use this behavior offensively just to run somebody over for the glory of doing so.

But don't assume that about narcissists. Fighting is something they don't mind at all. It works at getting them what they want, so they actually engage in it for no reason at all, just to push people around. My own experience makes me think that narcissists actually enjoy conflict and arguing and fighting.

Whenever you aren't playing the part they've scripted for you, they flip the switch into obnoxious mode to herd your behavior back in the direction they want. You know, like a cowboy herding a stray steer.

It works too, doesn't it? You will do anything to get that spoiled brat to stop screaming.

That's all they're doing.

They may seem about to blow a gasket, but it's just a mask. One of many they put on. Remember that they do everything for effect.

Not to express themselves.

This is a fundamental difference between them and us.

They are never expressing themselves: they are just making faces in a mirror. It isn't to express themselves: it is to manipulate YOU. They will use a frown just as readily as a smile or a punch as readily as a kiss - it's all the same to them.

Because it's totally utilitarian. Don't take it to heart. (They don't.)

The mask they have on at any given moment is no more indicative of what they are feeling inside than the Halloween mask of a child is. They are actors on a stage, 24-7-365. None of it is real.

Which is why narcissists can switch masks in the blink of an eye. (Which by the way is a red flag.)

Another example. If a narcissist senses that you are getting ready to leave him, he may change and work to keep you.

We assume that this is because we mean something to them. Ah, how comforting. That's very tempting to believe. We want to believe it with our whole heart and soul.

But this isn't because YOU mean anything to him, at least not in the way you think. Narcissists are parasites. They need a host. If they lose you they'll have to find another one, that's all.

In other words, you mean nothing more to them than you mean to a blood-sucking tick.

This is why once they have you won over and back again, they go right back to sucking your blood.

They are like machines in doing this, so don't take it personally.

Assumptions, assumptions, assumptions. It's very hard to remember you are dealing with people from Pluto, who aren't acting on normal human premises, so that you can't make the assumptions about their behavior that would be correct if you made them about a normal person.

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At 7:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very informative. In my experience doing away with your usual assumptions and just observing their behaviour to draw rational conclusions is quite effective. Love the blog :)

At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Barbara said...

Once again, a home-run Kathy

Its so difficult for us to NOT have a normal reaction and get really ticked off at these Ns. And we do.

Of course they don't have a normal reaction. They project, say its all you, THEY really want peace, blah blah...

You rule, Kathy.

At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

very helpful reminder...when these aliens have been around for a while they really do assimilate into our world visually to almost everyone else. only those of us whose bodies have been secretly snatched and who have had something nudge us to be aware that we have been invaded recognize there is something truly amiss. it really is like a twilight episode !!! but im trying to get off the stage and take a new perspective- which could make a whole other episode !...
that one rage i occasionally mention haunts me...kathy you help me to sort through it. it bothered and bothers me that it could be such a LOADED fight and then just seem to go away. no sense. the subject matter still exists, so where is the next explosion ?!
maybe like you say here-maybe he just felt like fighting, and that stuff worked well that day. he dumped and felt relief so tool along...
we show our temper to defend ourselves. yea. im still confused at why my particular n attacked once and hasn't since. maybe the lion in the grass at the edge of camp is satisfied with that one kill. that means i fed him NS. HOW can i stop doing that?! thats part of the "make it up as they go" trap we AND they are stuck in. it is just inevitable. getting better prepared to fight the lion when it attacks again takes a lot of work. but that is our lot...we the "chosen" ones. help me with my armor... jt

At 7:50 AM, Anonymous dana said...

my most dangerous assumption about my malignant N mom is that she actually is capable of understanding that she is making me despise her and think she is stupid. or that she understands that she has bullied me into letting her think she is right.

she isn't. she seems to believe the acquiesence she has brow beaten me into is real..or even more bizarre, she doesn't care if its real or not, she just requires the soothing tones of agreement, adulation and affirmation.

we have had a few semi-decent convos in which she seems to genuinely understand that i disagree with every single thing she thinks about every single issue, deeply and fundamentally--so how can she not understand that i am just humoring her to not fight?

it is also true that a dangerous assumption we make about Ns is that they WANT peaceful harmonious relationships. they don't. example: for the 1st time my mother and i are rooting for different presidential candidates. i lament this and am appalled at her reasoning. she thinks its "cool" that we are supporting dif candidates--its like a horse race, which one of us will win?

this is a fundamentally different view of human relationships, conflict vs. peace. they are irreconcilable.

At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

it really is hard to get our heads around someone so close to us having their heads soooo twisted around. they are not even opposite necessarily so much as they are arbitrary and contradictory. like a puzzle someone keeps shaking, taking away and adding pieces. no wonder we are so consumed with frustration. jt


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