What We CAN DO
The victims of narcissists always feel helpless, impotent.
For one thing, there is no getting through to a narcissist. I am sure of it. None. Zero. Never. No matter what. If a narcissist acts like you have gotten through to him, he is just conning you. The proof will be in what he does tomorrow.
The moment a narcissist sees that you are about to attempt to really communicate with him, his knee-jerk reflex kicks in to just start bellering a blowback that forms a solid wall of incoherent flak blocking communication till you just give up and shut up. I have seen narcissists with manifest terror in their eyes, desperate to prevent anything the victim is saying from getting through. That's how afraid of relating to you humanly, of a meeting of the minds between you, they are.
Then they might have to know you are a human being and have some feeling for you. They don't dare have any feeling for you, and they know it. No predator dares have any feeling for its prey. If it did, it would starve.
Not that I'm trying to persuade you to quit trying to get through to your narcissist. Decent people keep trying till they are convinced, through their own experience, that it's hopeless.
Another thing we can't do anything about is the abuse. Since narcissists only abuse those at their mercy and unable to get even with them or force them to stop, it goes without saying that your narcissist has power over you, because all narcissists are bullies who only pick on the defenseless. So, something about the situation makes you a sitting duck. Narcissists just do not refrain from whacking sitting ducks, unless there are witnesses on hand at the moment.
But in the posts and discussions here it has emerged that there are things we can do. Very important things we can do for ourselves. Crucial things, things that may prevent us from needing psychiatric treatment ourselves.
One of them is to think for ourselves. If you let yourself be manipulated by political correctness, with all its absurd commandments that force you to bend over for abuse and then blame yourself for it, you are headed for serious trouble in your own relationship with yourself.
The last post was an example. The United States doesn't dare let itself be morally bullied into not defending its people = not going after these bushwhackers wherever they hide.
Likewise, you can't let bystanding holier-than-thous tyrannize you by morally bullying you into staying married to someone who abuses you. That's what they're doing when they say that it would be wrong for you to leave him - morally bullying you. They are threatening you with "talk" that you are a bad person if you don't do what they say is right.
That tactic is the most potent manipulative stick in the world! The vast majority of people will do anything you want if you wave that stick at them. It makes you their master. Ask the KGB. Using it enabled them to brainwash and gain mind control over practically anyone without having to lay a hand on him or her.
But don't subject yourself to it. Own yourself. Don't let the bystanders own you. If people are going to gossip about how bad you are for divorcing your abuser, let them. Just hope there is a God to punish them for it, pinch your nostrils shut at their professionally pious prig act, and get away from them too.
No one has a claim on your life. You have an inalienable right to protect yourself and pursue happiness. Yes, even if he threatens to kill himself if you leave him.
That's called having a backbone, moral courage. The courage to do what's right, or is your right, when all the thoughtless cattle scream on cue that it's wrong.
If you don't, the self masochism you are forced into will haunt you. There's nothing worse than betrayal. And there's nothing worse than self betrayal. It will eat and eat and eat away at you making you feel like an abject worm so that you loathe yourself.
Don't let that happen. Think for yourself and know what you know. Make your own choices. Don't let the madding crowd make them for you.
In other words, don't you make the same mistake a narcissist does - thinking that appearances (things like your reputation) are what count and being driven to keep up appearances at any cost. They can change overnight. But reality doesn't.
narcissistic personality disorder narcissism