Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Nipping Narcissism in the Bud

My last post shows why I think it's so important not to be obtuse to the NATURE of the things narcissists do to people (and any living thing at their mercy).

It's unnatural. If you think about it, you can see that it's worse than what many street criminals do. For, many street criminals don't do what they do just to hurt others. What they do is wrong and unjustified but not unnatural.

For example, take someone down and out who robs a liquor store for cash. He is very nervous. The owner makes a sudden move that makes him think he is going for an alarm or a gun. He kills the owner.

Wrong. But he didn't kill the owner just to kill the owner. He didn't leave him to slowly bleed to death, either. He didn't rob the liquor store just to trash the place. He did what he did for reasons that we can understand.

He didn't rob his best friend's liquor store, either, just because that friend was "stupid" enough to trust him.

Dante, for example, was in line with the theologians of his day, when he put the souls of the twisted in the lowest pit of Hell, because their acts were both cruel and treacherous, betraying sacred trusts, the trust of people with every good reason to trust them.

Such are unconscionable acts. In other words, conscience cannot accommodate them.

Therefore, I think it is crucial to reach a budding narcissist at an early age. before they pass that point of no turning back.

I have seen cases of parents who make light of their child torturing an animal or bullying another child at school or flying at a brother or sister with windmilling fists. That parent just did not want to know that something was seriously amiss with that child. Instead of dealing with the problem appropriately, they just "had a talk with" him or her.

They said, "S/he is just a kid," as if the age of the doer determines the blackness of the deed. It doesn't.

They said, "All kids do stuff like that." Wrong. Most kids don't do stuff like that.

When children are not yet ready to deal with their actions on a moral level, you must let simple punishment do the "talking." It deters. It keeps them from crossing the line before they are mature enough to morally regulate their behavior.

I think it can nip a budding narcissist in the bud and give him or her a chance to grow up into a normal, mentally healthy adult.

That is no guarantee, of course, but I sure like that kid's chances better this way. Don't you?

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At 9:14 PM, Blogger sonicido said...

Gosh, there is something that makes me crazy-it is when bullies provoke until the victim reacts, then the victim (of course is seen) gets the punishment while the perpetrator gets away with it!!! OOOOOOOOOOO LA LA!
My brother would pinch me and provoke or hold threats over my head, when I'd explode, I'd get the whipping. My Dad even told me when I got older that I had a "temper" when I was little! Talk about being set up. I am one of the most easy-going people there is. When things go wrong, I am always the one to say, "Well, let's see what went wrong. Let's see how we can fix it..." etc...
But when I am pushed by a perpetrator, over and over, I have been know to snap. And any credit I would get for being easy-going goes right out the window to the witnesses. This is maddening.
I even had a nurse shove a baby back up inside me because she was pissed that I was in total control of a long labor.

What is beneficial with dealing with my children is with having as many as I do, is that usually the one who provoked gets exposed by another. What works great is taking several in a room alone and asking the story. The liar's story is different than the rest.

I just wish that schools would learn to do this!
A kid beating the crap out of another may have been provoked for a long time by the kid he is beating; or he may have been provoked by another at some other time who constantly gets away with it-and it has built. Our LPC calls this, "Kicking the dog" and is a very common problem. Have a bad day; come home; kick the dog.

Unfortunately, those in authority over children do not know, or do not care to find out why the kid showing outward anger is so angry!

Almost every time I have one kid beating another, I find out that the other has been provoking and sometimes over a long period of time. Once, one of my boys was constantly telling his brother that he was a "loser", and "gay" and he'd laugh under his breath at him for most anything. Finally, the brother being provoked turned on him and gave him a kidney punch which REALLY hurt his brother. As tempting as it was to punish the one who was out of control and caused severe harm, I took the time to find out why he hit him.
They both got punished, but the one who was provoking, got more!

At 6:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was involved with a man who the last night I saw him hit me and threatened to throw me out a window. He has a thing for child porn. He is considered very bright, and emanates kindness, child like curiousity and humor. He lives under a bridge, and leeches off of people. I sympathized and dealth with his tantrums and abuse, and was very much in love with him. Now I feel threatened by the fact he hangs out at a cafe and has told people about me, as I have suffered bipolar disorder and was many times so crazy myself, I couldn't see what was going on. He has slapped me, trashed me, and then turned around and was very sweet, and convincingly ingenious. He gets so much attention from his intellectual capacity, that nobody really sees how insane and sick he really is- People feel sorry for him because he is homeless. He convinces people he is homeless because he is too smart to be conventional, and he is too depressed. I am sick of him manipulating his way through life, and I want it to stop. I worry for people like me who get involved with him. Like he says, a lot of women like assholes, and he's an asshole. but a genius, loyal, and in for your best interest-I am so sick of him. I haven't seen him for two weeks, and I don't ever want to see him again. Thank you for the information. Hit the nail on the head.


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