Monday, December 24, 2007

The Narcissist Makes Everyone, Including You, Think that You Are the Dependent One

Who is needier than a narcissist? More dependant?

Their dependence is the dependence of any parasite on its host. This dependence is the very essence of their so-called "relationship" with you. It is the relationship you have with a tick or disease. That's all there is to it. Nothing for YOU in it at all.

They truly are emotional vampires and probably are the type storytellers had in mind when they invented the story of the vampire. They NEED your blood/suffering. They feed on it. They will die without it.

Why? because it's the only thing that makes their existence bearable. Just look at what lowdown, dirty, rotten things these gutter slimes have done through life. Wouldn't the memories haunt you to the point that you couldn't stand yourself? A character of white trash put it succinctly in a movie about racism once when asked why he treated black people like dirt: "Because if you ain't better than a n*****, you ain't better than nobody."

Narcissists are doing the same thing. Down in that gutter they need to feel better than somebody else. It's the only thing that can make them happy. Because it's the only thing that makes them feel good.

About themselves. For awhile.

As a drink is the only thing that makes an alcoholic feel good. For awhile. No booze – they get to feeling worse and worse until they are dying for a drink. They WOULD die for a drink. They would die for just the few minutes release from feeling so bad that drink will give them.

Same thing with the heroin addict.

Narcissists must constantly resist falling into the abyss - awareness of what a lowdown thing they are. How? By playing a stupid and irrational mind game: they think they raise themselves out of that gutter by tearing someone else down and walking all over that other person.

Ah, what a high they get! They thump their chest and give a Tarzan yell. That's just Tarzan's way of saying, "Look Ma! Ain't I grand?"

They are sucking that person's lifeblood. They are feeding on it. They are bleeding him or her of self-respect.

That's how they get self-respect, by stealing that which belongs to others. For, what they do is so despicable that, for sheer shame, they'd otherwise have to kill themselves. As one narcissist herself put it to me, she'd be one of those suicides who doesn't even leave a note.

So, they play this game to fight off awareness of what a contemptible thing their conduct has made them. It's what keeps them alive = from killing themselves. It's how they live.

And of course doing this just gives them more shameful conduct to bury that way. It's a vicious cycle.

Now, of course, this neediness of theirs, this parasitic dependence on their host, isn't grand. So this fact of their existence constantly challenges their delusions of grandeur.

That's where being a Projection Machine come in. They ward off awareness of their humiliating neediness by projecting the semblance of it off onto their host.

I know one who blew me away some years ago with "but then maybe because I'm so gosh-darned independent I just don't understand people like that."

My jaw hit the ground. She was 40 years old and had never left the nest. She never paid rent. She made more money than her father but never even bought or paid for her own food and toiletries or cigarettes. Yet in her narcissist eyes, she was so gosh-darned independent. The suckling pig didn't need her parents: in the Land of Pretend, THEY needed HER!

Now is that crackpot thinking? Or is that crackpot thinking?

Therefore, never underestimate the power of a narcissist's upside-down and backwards brain to warp the real world into a work of fiction that twists thinking and perception a full 180 degrees!

In fact, here's one bit of advice I will give: notice these farces. They're hilarious. A sense of humor goes a long way toward healing. It also keeps you from falling under the spell of these crackpots.

I gave another example a few days back in How to Kill Your Sister and Get Away with It.

The narcissistic teacher is desperate for attention. Hard to believe, but true: even being a teacher doesn't fulfill her need for attention.

Yet her ego won't allow her to call her sister for someone to talk to. But though she has tried many baits, she can't sucker the sister into calling her or having anything to do with her (though they live across the street from each other). So the pretext of "helping the needy sister" is the only pretext the narcissist's ego will let her call her sister on. Get it? That way the narcissist doesn't need her sister, the sister needs her.

And so the narcissist must dissemble to hide her need for attention. She must make it seem as though the sister is the needy one, the one who needs someone to talk to. For years, she has tried to sucker her sister into reestablishing a close relationship with her. Presumably, the result would be the same as historically it was: the N never condescends to call her sister, but plays her sister like a fish on the line to call her. Then, she doesn't even let the sister get one sentence out about why she is calling: the narcissist has already launched into a three-hour monologue.

Sound familiar?

So, who's the one who needs someone to talk to. Or "AT", I mean?

Games, games, games. That's all narcissists do is play stupid games like this. Narcissists ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS blame the victim by protray the victim as asking for it and even liking it. They always claim that their victims have a martyr complex.

Clue: the martyr complex is thinking you are underappreciated. Oh, woe is you, because things don't get done, or get done right, if you don't do them. So you do, do, do for everyone all day long. And nobody appreciates how you sacrifice for them. Oh, woe is you.

That's the martyr complex, and it has nothing to do with abuse. Nobody wants abuse. How can sensible people believe such a bizzare assertion? Indeed, they refuse to believe known facts that are far more believable than this absurdity. What? Do people just love to believe the bizarre?

This absurd claim that the victim wants it is most shocking in the case of rape. When are people going to learn to quit playing the fool for him or her every time a narcissist opens their mouth?

Narcissists do everything possible about the material circumstances of the relationship to make YOU seem like the needy one and THEM seem like the independent one.

For example, women, beware any man who tries to get you pregnant before marriage. Or, even immediately after marriage. That's a patented trick of these spiders to ensnare you in a web.

Both men and women, beware of any lover who can't stand your family and friends around. Another patented trick to isolate you. The narcissist picks fights on the sly and then comes running to you whining about how mean your family or friend is to him or her. They come running to you telling you that your mother or father or sister or brother or friend said this or that.

Do you hear a snapping sound? That's your lifelong relationship with that friend or family member breaking. You will never know that the narcissist is lying, because you have taken the bait and will stop communicating directly with that friend or family member. That is housebreaking, my friend, otherwise known as con artistry.

Know it when ANYONE has come between you and others and is cutting off direct communication between you two. No one who does that is ever up to any good.

Before you know it, you are isolated and alone in the world. At that spider's mercy. Because you are dependent on the narcissist alone for all that we get out of human companionship.

That ain't nothing. Human beings need love and appreciation. We need it like we need the air we breathe. But if a narcissist has isolated you from the rest of the human race, so that you depend on the narcissist alone for all these things, you are in trouble, baby.

The narcissist is doing that to cut your ties to other important people in your life. Like a cowboy, or a pedator, he is just cutting his target out of the herd. He wants you dependent on him alone for human companionship.

Then all he need do is toss you a scrap now and then. Otherwise, he can do anything he wants to you, and you won't leave.

Yet another example, again one that usually applies to women. So, he got you pregnant several times already. How gallant that he says to quit your job and that he will take care of you. Don't do it, lady! This is another patented tactic of narcissists and other spousal abusers.

When he has burned all the employment bridges behind you, the honeymoon will be over. You'll feel trapped in the web this spider has woven and feel dependent on him.

But in my experience and judging by what I've learned from others, that feeling of dependence on the narcissist is more perceived than real. It's largely due to projective identification = what the narcissist says and does to make you FEEL like a worthless wretch who NEEDS him.

Yes, of course, if you are dependent on the narcissist's income, you are dependent on the narcissist's income. But does that dependence come close to the absolute dependence of this vampire on you for a daily drink of your blood, which he cannot live without?

To him or her, you are nothing but a rat they keep for this purpose - you know, for a vampire's "transfusion" every so often.

This is similar to the phenomenon known as "the kept" woman." Just as some men pay a lot of money to support a "kept woman" for someone to have sex with, narcissists will spend a lot of money to support a woman kept to abuse.

Any drug addict will pay whatever it costs to maintain a constant supply so he is never without a fix. This doesn't make narcissists not niggardly. In all other matters, they are niggardly to the hilt. But when it comes to spending whatever it takes to keep someone handy to abuse, they show how desperate they are. No price is too high, because they NEED that constant fix.

So don't let these pushers get you hooked on their money, life in the fast lane, or anything else they can try to buy you with. It will make you feel dependent on them.

And don't fall for their efforts to brainwash you into thinking YOU need THEM. It's nothing but projective identification.

You CAN walk away, in almost every case.

I'll never forget the moment I realized this. Here I was, clinging to a narcissistic abuser for dear life. I'll never forget where I was and what had just happened when the little voice in my head said, "You need THAT?"

No I didn't. I immediately went out and bought new door locks.

A few weeks later I began to notice how good I was feeling. I was astounded by the fact that, while I was with the narcissist, I had gotten so used to feeling bad, that I wasn't even aware of feeling bad anymore. But now, when I began to feel good, I realized how bad a case of hookworm anemia makes you feel.

Indeed, when you get rid of a parasite, you are getting rid of a disease.

Technorati Tags:

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


At 8:03 AM, Blogger groupThink said...

Fantastic post, a wake up call to me.

At 9:19 AM, Blogger So, what IS in a heart? said...

"Now is that crackpot thinking? Or is that crackpot thinking?"

Yup. People like her are psychologically dependent on others to feel "strong" or whatever it is they want to feel without having to deal with their own internal issues.

Honestly, emotional/psychological dependence is the worst kind of dependence.

Abusers are often described as CO-dependent because that's what they usually really are. They need constant validation from others, especially from the ones they abuse. They are often even more dependent than the victims. It would explain why they generally can't let go instead of just finding someone else to "play with".

At 9:22 AM, Blogger So, what IS in a heart? said...

Actually, I don't know if co-dependent is the right term, but whatever the abuser is, it's a sad existence no matter the "rewards".

At 11:43 AM, Anonymous GH said...

women, beware any man who tries to get you pregnant before marriage. Or, even immediately after marriage.

Oh, Kathy, so true. My N-Ex did this when we were going through marriage counseling and discussing separation. He managed to get me into bed one day and, though I kept telling him we needed a condom, he didn't stop until it was "too late." Thank God I didn't wind up pregnant,but it was immediately evident that he's hoped to knock me up and thereby force me to stay in the marriage.

And, as you've discussed elsewhere, my "best friend" has since played the innocent bystander role, refusing to take sides and telling me that even though she believes he was abusive to me that they accept all their friends with their flaws.

At 12:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again very clear post Kathy.
It's hard but it's how it works.
It's just what the reality of being involved with this people shows you.
The parasite only leaves you if there's nothing to feed on anymore or if you yourself get rid of the parasite and take some strong antidope.
In the first case it means you must be dead or totaly down the drain.
In the second case it's just closing the door and totaly stop giving any attention. No argueing needed. Just stop doing it. No explaining, nothing. That's all there is to it.
They'll test you a few times but if you stay foot they'll get the message and you'll be suprised never to hear from them again.
Indeed; just flees leaving a dead rat or one who took anti-flee powder.
You will wonder why you took all this time and effort in discussing, arguing, helping, listening and thinking, when you find out it was all about this and the solution was also this simple.
It is stunning and painfull(at least to me it was)to find you didn't matter at all as a person. Nothing at all but an attention-giver. You were only nice prey with sweet blood, willing to give and wanting to share.
And it's just those words; give and share, that are not in their textbook.
In this view, somehow, being used by a narcissist is compliment to your character.
But, as you say Kathy, stick with them and the disease will get you more and more.
And like the vampire; once bitten good you even can end up becoming one yourself I believe.
Thank you again for your great post Kathy and a mary christmas for you and all the readers.


At 6:11 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Merry Christmas to you too!

>You will wonder why you took all this time and effort in discussing, arguing, helping, listening and thinking, when you find out it was all about this and the solution was also this simple.
It is stunning and painfull(at least to me it was)to find you didn't matter at all as a person. Nothing at all but an attention-giver. You were only nice prey with sweet blood, willing to give and wanting to share.
And it's just those words; give and share, that are not in their textbook.<

You nailed it. Here we are, expecting normal human relations from someone who only passes for human. Our assumptions don't work then. We might as well make those assumptions about a tick or tapewarom and try to get it to relate to us and care about us. It just ain't going to happen!

It is stunning and painful to realize that, as a person, you mean absolutely nothing to the narcissist. You are just an object, a vessel for them to tap.

This is a blow from anyone. When it's your mother, father, sister, brother, or lover, it's a whale of a blow, one that will drive you into denial.

This is quite normal, I think, and shouldn't be pathologized. But at some point you must face facts and realize that the the narcissist has a perverted nature.

His or her NATURE is predatory, and therefore the N cannot be reached or changed or won over. You must just rid yourself of the parasite. You have a right to get rid of a disease. You owe it nothing.

At 2:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, you owe them nothing.
Instead they owe you for all the one-sided taking offcourse, for misusing your trust, draining your strenght, tearing you down and so on.
The solution is simple but very hard to achieve.
Cause your love and affection, your normal character, your strenght, are your weaknesses with these people.
As long if you have any doubt about this the narcissist will sence it and will stick like the tick.
As soon as you realy take this truth to the heart and act accordingly they'll sence it too.
And if you stand firm you'll be suprised how swift they'll leave you.
Donn't expect them to give you back anything they owe you.
It wonn't happen. I let go on this but will never forget. Their dept stays with me forever.
I found this also a very hard part to let go.
So, although I said the solution is simple, I know also to achieve it and do it is the very tuff part.
It took me a few years and a lot of greeve and work, so I'll be the last one to say it's simple to achieve.
It's about accepting a truth that's aliën to you.
It's almost like accepting an official statement that says you are from another planet.

greetings, Gerard

At 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas everyone.
Enjoy your day.

At 11:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i need a little help being strong... at a dinner i was trapped with my n mom and my n husband. being quiet with my h at home has kept him at a distance. but i was 'too' quiet at the dinner and instead of it giving me distance, it got me attention. i tried to duck my mom but i winced first and i know my h caught it. i feel like shit because i know it fed him. i cant take it back. i cant predict when or how he's going to use it. but i KNOW he got a new tool from it. i could just feel the energy coming off him. shit,shit,shit ! jt oh-and i know my language is crude and i apologize if its offensive to anyone-but really this time its just oh so how i feel right now !

At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I discovered this blog today. I have been reading it for hours. I cannot believe I have been sharing my life with a N for three years. At the beginning I found it funny every time he told me he believed he was a “prophet”, I found normal that he did not want me to work because he loved me a lot and wanted to take care of me, every time he interrupted me when I was talking with friends I excuse his attitude … But later I could not find any logical explanation of his behavior, but I did today…
I lived nearly all the situations you describe in your pages; he gets angry for no reason, blames on me, ignores me for days or weeks and when he wants to come back makes me look as the needy one, then when you are still shuddering to think what had happened, Dr. Jekyll comes back and you start thinking that maybe nothing happened, maybe you are exaggerating, actually he is a good boy…
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: If I am just ´dirt´ for him, why he did not allow me to go every time I decided to run away from him in the past? If this ´parasite´ feeds on me, why doesn’t he look for a host much easier to use than me?
Sorry for my English, I am writing from Spain.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Sometimes a narcissist does just break off all contact with a lover or spouse who stops putting up with being toyed with. You never see that narcissist again. He or she just goes away and finds a new host to parasitize.

But sometimes the narcissist keeps trying to draw you back into a relationship with him or her. I think this is most likely in the case of a brother or sister or other immediate family member, but it sometimes happens with spouses too.

You may have nothing to do with the narcissist for years, and then one day he or she makes contact and acts like no bad thing ever happened. You are supposed to "fogive and forget" and start all over.

Why? I think narcissists like to fool you twice. They tell themselves that you were stupid to fall for their act the first time. (This way the blame is on you, not on them for deceiving you.) To prove how stupid they imagine you to be, they try to fool you again.

Some narcissists never quit trying! Every few months or years, they try to snuggle up to you again, no matter how many times you show them that you know what they are and will not fall for their duplicity anymore.

I think they cannot accept that a brother or sister they abused for decades finally has realized that they are just malicious. Same thing with a spouse they have been married to for quite some time. If they fooled that wife or husband for ten years, they will not believe that it's over and that they cannot fool her anyome.

Another factor I think is how easy it is to find another host. Young narcissists still have their looks. But if they are older, it may be hard for them to find another lover to parasitize. They cannot live without a host to parasitize. They will fall into deep, deep depression and probably kill themselves if alone. So they get desperate. In that case they may keep coming back to you.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger eclypz - owner - said...

My ex spent much time telling me she felt like I must not care about her, she must not be important or matter to me. Once she exclaimed I'm only in this relationship when it's convenient for me. The truth is I was going out of my way for the first time in my life to really be there for someone as I've been pretty delighted to be selfishly independent most of my life up to this point.

So when she would say I must not think she's important (which would be for a number of different reasons, not calling enough - eating the last egg in the fridge - letting her call go to voicemail because I was finishing up my dinner, that sort of thing) it would really send me off on a defensive rant, because I never intended on that communication. It also hurt. I'd almost rather her say she thought I was worthless than to say she thinks I must think she is worthless. Of course now I can see that this is exactly what she was doing. It was utterly maddening sometimes.

Once this obligation began to set in I found myself proving my love to her rather than just showing my love because it felt good to show. I was trying to prove something. And then I slowly started resenting her (even though I wasn't really aware because I was numb at this point) and then would rebel. I went on a trip I had planned for a year instead of staying to help her move her house, something that came up a week before I was to leave and something she said was under control until the night before I was supposed to leave when she threw a temper tantrum.

But I couldn't see any of this bad behavior. I knew she was overreacting but all I could really seem to think about was how she must have thought I didn't care and I will try my best to show her I do care. It was a guilt thing in a big way.

I couldn't tell what was right any more. Even my friends were telling me to get out of there but she had this hold on me. I had this agenda, to show her how much someone can love her, and to show her that she was being overreactive and that she was blowing things out of proportion. I was trying to show her she was wrong, that I do love her. All she could see was that I was trying to prove her wrong and that would have been weak or something.

But I kept pushing on because she would say that she felt like she didnt matter to me. That hurt more than saying I was overweight or unfulfilling in bed.

And then alas once I said I couldn't do it, I thought she was being unreasonable, she said ok, goodbye. She walked away like it was closing time at the mall.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

"I'd almost rather her say she thought I was worthless than to say she thinks I must think she is worthless."

Yes, when you really love someone. That was sadistic of her, and she has to be capable of empathy to know that this was the way to hurt you the most. So, her heartlessness is by choice too. I think that's the hardest part - knowing you meant nothing to them. But that's their inferiority, not yours.


Post a Comment

<< Home

craig class janesville