The Rewards of Befriending a Narcissist

This is for an overlooked class of victims.

For every spouse abused by a narcissist, there are several children of narcissists abused by them. And, in most situations, the narcissist has had the power to get co-workers fired and/or to destroy careers, so the narcissist also leaves a trail of these victims in his or her truculent wake through life.

And then there are the friends. People who once were friends of the narcissist and all of a sudden one day found their guts hanging out in a narc attack, to be left wondering forever afterwards what they did to make the narcissist so mad that he or she ripped them to shreds and refused to see or have any contact with them anymore.

In the cases I know of, this pattern began in childhood. So, the eviscerated former friends in a narcissist's past form a long line of people he or she has just used up and then savaged before throwing them in a dumpster along the way.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever had a friend who suddenly blew up at you one day and spoke just viciously, tearing you to shreds, to the point of tears, and then refused to see or talk to you again? Still bewildered by it? If so, stop wondering what you did.

This seems to follow a rigid pattern in narcissists. As usual, it's counterintuitive, but once you catch on, you see that it makes perfect sense.

Remember that narcissists do everything FOR EFFECT, not because it's a true expression of their thoughts and feelings. Never forget that it's ALL just an act. Every smile. Every frown. Every word. It's an act designed to manipulate a certain type of response from you (their mirror). For example, they will be a Democrat one minute and a Republican the next if it suits their purpose. Their rages are often just put-ons to intimidate and steer your behavior into the direction they want. It's not real. Yes, they may work themselves up into a fine fury, but it's artificial, so a minute later they've forgotten about it.

You probably just stopped being a source of narcissistic supply. That is, you probably stopped being a mirror that she saw a flattering reflection of herself in when she was blathering at you. How? You probably just started to yawn now and then when she was blathering nonstop at you for hours. It always happens - eventually her friends get tired of it, especially if there is something going on in their own lives that they would like to talk about. They start having better things to do than hang on her every word for one of her three-hour monologues.

I have discovered that this is all it takes. Or, it could be that you have just proposed marriage to her. Oh-oh, you are professing love to her, which calls for reciprocation. Or, maybe you have a terminal illness and need her comfort and affection = need HER to listen to YOU, to hear your fear and pain. In either case, one might as well ask for blood from one's tick. She is gonna take off.

(The only giving she does is at a profit: she is delighted to bring you casseroles and do other material things that she can make an ostentatious display of and make sure everyone knows about ... to carve out that saintly false image of hers. But any giving of herself? Forget it, it ain't gonna happen.)

She is like a bee in search of nectar. You're just a flower - supposed to give, not take. And keep giving in abundance.

When one flower is tapped out and stops supplying it, she just flies off in search of another. She doesn't do this in anger: she simply loses all interest in you, because you are no longer useful to her. Since she has no feelings for anyone whatsoever, you might as well be a screwdriver that broke, so she just gets a new one.

Indeed, you mean nothing to her so why should she have any real feelings of anger toward you? Any anger she feels is nothing more than the anger of a little child at a broken toy. She just gives that toy a whack and forgets it as she goes off to get a new one.

Then why the ugly scene at the end? I have learned that she always says goodbye with one of those nasty stings. She has been doing this to her friends since grade school. She rips into that person the last time she talks to them.

It's just a parting shot. Why? Why not? She is done with you, so she has nothing to gain by being decent to you today - she will never see you again.

In other words, when she's dropping you, she does it because there's no reason not to anymore. This is one of the most difficult facts to face about malignant narcissists: they are predators. They need no reason to attack: they need a reason NOT to attack.

Therefore, when it's the last time they're going to see you, there is no longer a reason not to attack you. There won't be any adverse consequences.

So they attack just because this is a golden opportunity to dump a load of projection and projective identification on someone. It's a golden opportunity to feel powerful by having a powerful effect on someone. They feel great afterwards. They not only relieve their moral constipation by dumping their load on you, they get high off the power rush in trampling you or tearing you to pieces.

And what's to restrain those urges? Any morals? Any conscience?

So, if this has ever happened to you, you probably just had a close encounter with a malignant narcissist. Be glad that you had to serve as her toilet only once in your life.

If a normal person gets mad and breaks up with you, there is a reason. Maybe not a good or just reason, but a reason nonetheless - a reason you should wonder about and want to know. But a narcissist is like a thunderstorm. When a thunderstorm roars through you don't sit there afterward wondering what you did to provoke it, do you?

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