Monday, December 10, 2007

The Smear Campaign of the Abuser

Someone posts a question in the comments on this posts The Smear Campaign of the Abuser, asking for advice.

Here's my two-cents' worth:

1. An innocent person acts like an innocent person and denies the slander.

2. BUT the great majority of bystanders, for corrupt reasons, will refuse to stop believing the lies, no matter how perfectly you prove your case.

3. They will, howver, instantly get their nose out of where it doesn't belong the moment they see it is liable to get cut off.

4. The only real help you can expect is from outsiders. They have nothing invested in your slander and are not afraid of the narcissist doing the same thing to them.

I'm sure others have much to add at

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At 5:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kathy, I miss your awesome and important post about forgiveness, where you were explaining why it is not possible to forgive an offender who refuses to repent. I´m not sure if I only couldn´t find it or if it got lost ?
Thank you for sharing.

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Well, I'm not sure how "awesome" it was :) but it was Forgiving the Abuser and/or War and Peace with the Narcissist

At 11:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a tad off-topic, but Kathy said she was going to tell stories. (Come on, Kathy, come through!) I alway enjoy that part.
Not because I enjoy what narcissists do, but because it helps me to feel more sane about my rage for them! So I am going to sort of beat her to the punch and tell a story about my narcissist brother. I could tell stories about him all night, but I'll tell this this one because it is a classic to me and probably can be identified with by all who have a narcissist in the family.

Some years ago, long after I had promised myself that I would never get involved with him this way again, but before I finally "got it," I went "halfsies" with him on a Christmas gift for our parents. I resisted his proposal at first, knowing that out parents would be unhappy that we had spent so much for the gift that he had in mind. But I was seduced by his story that he had a connection who could get it at "cost," and knowing that my parents would truly enjoy it. I worried about looking cheap with my normal-type gift. So I agreed.

Of course, there was one delay after another so that I could not actually inspect this gift myself until Christmas day, when my parents opened it in front of the whole family, various relatives present for the occasion. Well, the gift was similar to what it was supposed to be, but much less expensive than what it would have been had it been the one promised. I was seething, but knew the narcissist had played it perfectly. What could I do? Interrupt my parents' protestations about the cost of the gift to tell them that I had been duped into paying probably the entire cost of it? I had been burned and I knew it.

I confronted my narcissist brother the next day, but anyone who reads this site can probably guess how that went. I had misunderstood, it was my mistake to expect something other that what was delivered, perhaps the "connection" had cheated both of us regarding the cost! There is no point in arguing with these people.

But the story doesn't end here. Shortly afterward, my parents began offering me financial help, even offering to let me live with them! It made no sense to me, and they wouldn't come clean with me about why they were doing that. Months later, I found out quite by accident what had happened. At the Christmas gathering, my narcissist brother had pulled my parents aside and told them a story. Here's how the story went:

I had come to him just before the holidays, distraught because I had suffered a financial downturn and could not afford to buy them a gift. Being the generous sort he was, he agreed to let me take half the credit for this nice gift that he had already pruchased for them! He gave as his reason for telling them this to be his concern that their protesting the cost of the gift was causing me to feel even more guilty about the "big lie" than I was already feeling.

I almost never found out about this! I went screaming angry to him about it, but of course he said that my parents must have been confused about what he had really told them, blah, blah, you can guess the rest. My parents professed to believe me when I told them the truth, then showed me that they didn't by continuing to offer me money for the next year or so. That's how it works for the narcissist. Where there's smoke, there must be fire, right? No matter what shakes out, at least the gist of the story must be true, right?

So he got it all - conned me into paying for the gift, and looked like a saint for paying for it all himself while covering for me out of brotherly love. And, I'm sure, the biggest thrill of all, made me look (to all the extended family) like a financial failure and a scheming liar, nothing more than a deperate pathetic wretch.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

Yup. And then the "experts" wonder why people argue that it a character disorder instead of a mental illness. Or at least a character disorder that brings on mental illness.

At 3:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a nice example. This is just how they work.
I'll add another similar story to show this is realy not 'unbelieveble'.
Cause many people just wonn't believe you. '"Why should someone behave this way?", they think. It makes no sence, so YOU must be the cause of it!

What about this one and the similarity of it:
My girlfriends parents were about to celebrate their 40th wedding-anniversery.
She was worrying very much about what kind of present to give and couldn't come up with something original. It HAD to be very original cause she was the 'artist'in the family. It didn't work. In the end she - not pleased- accepted a suggestion of mine and we carried it out.
It was all my idee I have to tell because of what's coming later.
The celebration started and everyone was presenting their gifts and before I knew it she was up in front without me, presenting our gift.
The parents were very pleased and telling everyone what a special artistic doughter they had.
And some told ME what a special, nice girlfriend I had, making such a special present for her parents, while she stood beside me!
She took all the credit without even mentioning me or looking at me. Making people wonder why I gave nothing! Most people ignored me.
I didn't understand and at that party couldn't say anything about it cause I would have made a fool of myself offcourse.
Later at the party her father came to me and took me apart saying he had to tell me something..
He told me the strangest thing; "If you ever hurt my doughter I'll kill you!".
I was swept of my feet and thinking he was kind of joking but I sure couldn't laugh about it.
Later I told my girlfriend and she just said (offcourse)it was me who misunderstood a joke, being paranoïd.
Much later I found out what had happened. I heard from people after our brake-up.
By that time (the celebration) she was already engaged with another man (I didn't knew offcourse).
It was about then she started her smear campaign telling her parents and others that she was very affraid of me violently hurting her. Telling them I was threathening her and she dared not to break up.
I was totaly unaware of this and she was showing me also a completely other face.
So you understand there was nothing I could do and till this day all these people still believe she went to this other man cause I abused HER!
And I know they'll never believe me.
And if they'll do, wonn't take the consequenses of it.
'Were there is smoke there must be fire', even readers here will think a bit maybe.
So, with common people who have never dealt with N's you're complety defensless against this kind of campaign and you better not tell them.
It will work against you, is my conclusion.

greetings, Gerard


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