The Good Guys Don't Always Win
Yet another thing we victims of narcissists like to delude ourselves about.
I'm sorry, but there is no Master of Universe out there running the show to make sure goodness triumphs over evil in the end. Simply because of their diabolical cheating, most narcissists never get their come-uppance.
The Bishop of Beauvais who made a forgotten demon out of Joan of Arc for several hundred years died in his bed and was buried with full sacramental honors. Stalin died in his bed. So did Mao.
And did Hitler really get his come uppance? Where would Saddam Hussein be today if he hadn't incurred the wrath of a nation he couldn't bully? He'd still be regarded as a hero and worshipped.
Twenty years his execution, before the cult of Christianity got started and the New Testament was written, who was the winner - Jesus of Nazareth or the Sanhedron? He was still a criminal and they were holy men.
Don't think your narcissist can't pull off the same stunt.
Even so, it is just as superstitious to believe that narcissists always get away with it as to believe that they never get away with it.
Yes, superstitious. It's nothing but superstition.
Some narcissists do crash and burn in the end, and some don't. The odds are against it, however, simply because they cheat on good people playing by the rules, which gives narcissists a huge advantage.
They get away with 99 exploits before they get caught red-handed pulling off number 100. Is that justice?
Why don't the other 99 victims get their share of it?
Yes, the truth outrages our sense of justice. This is why, if you write a novel, never try to sell one that has an unhappy ending.
But we do the same thing narcissists do if we create our own little world according to our specifications, one in which the good guys must win in the end and the N must fall. This is delusion, and all delusion is bad for us. If nothing else, it has the victim sitting there waiting for the Master of the Universe to come save the day instead of doing anything herself to bring about a happy ending.
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9 Comments:
appreciate you 'telling it like it is'. the truth hurts-and has hurt us all along...it needs to be addressed point blank-to each other,to people who experience the abuse and understand it and accept it for what it is and want to help heal it. ive said it before- you cant go to the source of injury for healing- you dont use fire to heal a burn, you dont use a knife to heal a stab, you dont use acid to heal corrosion- YOU DONT GO TO AN ABUSER TO HEAL ABUSE>they CAUSED it in the first place. you go to people who understand,who help you understand, who listen without correcting, who let you vent without taking it away,who BELIEVE you, and who dont try to change it. the biggest help is someone who helps you keep your own mental health in check. my biggest deterrent to my own mental health is bitterness- which is really tough to prevent with all this learning- 'the dirty rotten...', but when you, kathy, put it in no uncertain terms-its truth. no debating, no analyzing it to justify it, no excuses. they are abusive-by choice- period. we help each other. we help each other heal. and the stuff you write about that whole forgiveness topic is very interesting. keep up the good work. its a tough one! jt
thank you so much for this blog! i've been slipping back into making "nicey-nice" with my N husband even though i *know* he's only acting like he's going to change his lying, deadbeat behavior b/c he wants to manipulate me into letting him move back into the (*my*) house. yes, i want to enjoy the holidays w/ my daughter. yes, i get sick of the insipid, time-wasting arguments. yes, it's hard and lonely going through a divorce.
my auto-pilot behavior was about to take make right back into the snake's nest.
but reading your words today has brought me back to reality. if i can make it through this process i won't have to live w/ this jerk for the rest of my life. and my daughter will have at least one place she can live where she won't have to put up with his crap either.
i have to hang tough. it will be worth it.
This blog has been very helpful. I know a guy who appears to most people as a nice easy going person. I know for a fact he can be a MONSTER. He was a master of twisting the truth and being convincing. But when I remember him at school he often flunked his grades. Seems as if he went after anyone who had no friends, older brothers to protect them. Why are there so many of these cowards around? Is it human nature?
Thank you for your blog! It is so true! We cannot replace one delusion with another! It is NOT true that what goes around comes around! IT is not true that good people come out on top at the end! It is not true "this too shall pass"! And the only way the "meek will inherit the earth" is when they are dead and buried six feet under. All of these are pathetic cliches we have been brought up to believe.
There may never be a rainbow at the end of the tunnel for us concerning our relationship with our NPD special person. I think the very best we can accomplish is being educated against ever becoming entangled with this diseased personality type in the future and becoming more courageous and self-confident in spite of the NPD's attempts to drag us down with them.
I remember saying something like this to an author named RA Salvatore years ago, and he said "Evil may win some battles, but good wins the war."
As Anna had said in her own blog, "Narcissists rarely end well." But, people believe in karma because it's a comfort and a way to "live well", which is the best revenge, but it hardly means to "wait and do nothing" or to do nothing to protect yourself. Obviously, no one is always going to win, but I always remember what RA Salvatore says. Even if Stalin died in his bed, Communist Russia collapsed eventually.
The fall of the Soviet Union isn't Stalin's come-uppance. He wasn't even its creator. It happened some half century after his death.
This is the kind of stretch people go to to cling to this cherished myth.
Karma is superstition. All too often no good deed goes unpunished. That's reality. Nice guys finish last. That's often the reality. Bad people take advantage of the goodness in others so that it turns out to be what does the good guy in. Ouch - travesty, but that's often the reality.
Stalin murdered more people than Hitler. Where is their justice?
I haven't seen a narcissist come to a bad end. Yes, they are pathetic in my eyes, but not in their own. They get nurtured like babies and everything they want. They never get any of what they dish out. They are cruel to their spouses at death but get nothing but kindness when their own time to die comes.
I'm sure some narcissists do come to bad ends. But so what? They're just the ones who screwed up or got unlucky.
What authority does RA Salvatore have on the subject? Authors are great at producing specious and sententious statements that sound good. But when they don't square with reality, they are wrong.
You hit the nail on the head when you said that people believe this stuff because it is comforting. That is, they believe it because they want to. Because it feels good.
That's not the appropriate reason for believing something.
"The fall of the Soviet Union isn't Stalin's come-uppance. He wasn't even its creator. It happened some half century after his death."
It's not so much Stalin himself, but his ideals. Dictatorships don't often have very good track records. Not to say that the US is innocent, but the overt dictatorships don't seem to last as the Stalins would like. So, even if HE didn't get a direct "communpence", his belief system that caused the misery did, but I don't know if that's a comfort.
"This is the kind of stretch people go to to cling to this cherished myth. Karma is superstition."
I don't blame them for believing it though, and I think if used properly, it can be a good way to be indifferent to evil, which is what kills them. Whatever Karma is, I think it's a good way to ward off despair or to prevent from becoming the very thing you hate, but like I said, that doesn't mean that one should allow themselves to be blindsided by it.
"All too often no good deed goes unpunished. That's reality. Nice guys finish last. That's often the reality. Bad people take advantage of the goodness in others so that it turns out to be what does the good guy in. Ouch - travesty, but that's often the reality."
Don't be good or nice, problem solved. ;) Seriously, yea, I know that often does happen, but when I hear about that, sometimes I honestly think that you shouldn't bother being "nice". Or least know that you don't have to be nice to creeps nor do you have to put up with them.
"Stalin murdered more people than Hitler. Where is their justice?"
True. Sometimes I think "geez, sure Stalin died a man full of paranoia and horribly flawed, but is that really a comfort for those who suffered/died because of him?", but then what are you supposed to do? I can understand the outrage, and I certainly feel that way sometimes, but I also think that it serves as a reminder to appreciate your own life and do what it takes to protect it. Just as many people died in dictatorships, many also escaped and/or survived them.
"I haven't seen a narcissist come to a bad end."
I didn't mean like a Hollywood ending, but Ns tend to alienate many people and that leads to their depression, so Ns end up getting treated for that. Most people simply refuse to put up with an Ns BS, so they avoid any contact with the N and manage to live their lives on their own terms, recover from the abuse, and barely even think of the N while the N has a tendency of thinking of the "ungrateful, crazy person" for a long time. That's what I mean by "bad end". At least that's what I've found online. It seems that for every victim that ends badly, there are many for where the sky hasn't fallen, and they emerge more resilient and learn to never put up with abuse again. Families seem to be the only exception, but even then, it's not uncommon for family members to simply leave the relationships and avoid further contact with them. It's pretty much all you can do when dealing with a chronic abuser.
"Yes, they are pathetic in my eyes, but not in their own."
No, of course not. Narcissism is all about self-deceit.
"They get nurtured like babies and everything they want. They never get any of what they dish out."
But, if they did, would they stop being the way they were? It might work temporarily, but they tend to find other tactics. That's why I always agree when others say that all you can do is stay away. I feel for those who really are trapped in the "relationship".
"They are cruel to their spouses at death but get nothing but kindness when their own time to die comes."
But, it only comes from people willing to put up with it for whatever reason. Plus, don't they tend to target the "right people"? I mean, those they CAN take advantage of? Not that it justifies anything, but it seems like the only people an N can keep are the very people they claim to hate. That's just sad on all fronts.
"I'm sure some narcissists do come to bad ends. But so what? They're just the ones who screwed up or got unlucky."
Yea, but it certainly feels great for the victims of those Ns.
"What authority does RA Salvatore have on the subject? Authors are great at producing specious and sententious statements that sound good. But when they don't square with reality, they are wrong."
Heh, yea, that is true. Anyway, RA Salvatore is a fantasy writer in the "Forgotten Realms" saga(one of my favorites too). He's no doctor or anything, but he does wax philosophy through his most popular characters. I wasn't talking about Ns when I wrote the letter, but rather how good doesn't always win over evil, IRL(like what you were saying) and mentioned darker, more tragic endings as I was getting sick of the same, predictable endings that tend to pepper the fantasy genre. I wish I could remember what exactly I said, but I kept the letter he wrote back, and your post reminded me of it.
"You hit the nail on the head when you said that people believe this stuff because it is comforting. That is, they believe it because they want to. Because it feels good.
That's not the appropriate reason for believing something."
No, but it always seems like despite Evil's best efforts, many people choose to remain "Good", and how many remain at peace with themselves and learn to fight against Evil without becoming it.
To be honest, sometimes I think how it's easy to just not bother being good, don't feel guilt, remorse, have no compassion, be as "selfish, crazy, heartless, and ungrateful" as they claim others are, send extreme ruthless retaliation to Evil, and deal with them in the language they really understand--cruelty. They do know who not to mess with, but then I remember that the best way to win is to not play their game at all and never allow yourself to become their "whipping posts".
Whatever Karma is, it doesn't have to be about anything physically happening. From what I've read about Narcissism, it sounds like a sad existence no matter how much they get what they want. Nothing is ever enough because even though tearing down others makes them "feel good", it isn't real happiness, it's just yet another false reality for them.
At any rate, people are going to believe what they want. You can bet the Narcissist will.c
i dont agree.nasty people are not very happy.if you know a narcissist how often do you think they genuinely enjoy themselves. they are sad desperate creatures .they do what they do because they dont have anything else.they are never satisfied .this is some kind of justice surely?
Justin, That would be good to believe. But if you look for it, it ain't there. Sometimes there is justice, but more often than not - far more often than not - there is none. Worse than none. What occurs is a travesty of justice.
How often do you think a narcissist is troubled by some of those unhappy feelings he represses awareness of? A minute out of every day? Probably not even that much of the time. It is only when a life crisis, brought about by losing a host he is parasitizing, that he is unhappy.
Until he finds a new host. Then he is happy as a lark again.
He doesn't feel anything very much, so how can he feel unhappy? Ns are perfectly happy with what we would consider a dreary and boring existence. It's the most they're capable of experiencing. Like infants. The strife bothers him? No! He LIKES it. It's fun for him.
He never even grieves the death of a loved one, because he loves no one. No one means anything to him but what he can suck out of them.
He is deluded. He thinks it's great to be him. He thinks he is the greatest. He gets high off putting others down and humiliating and abusing them, and he does this in virtually every human interaction with those near him. So, how many times a day do think he gets high?
How can you think an N is unhappy, when NOBODY EVER succeeds in getting through to a psychopath/narcissist? They will not change. Ever. Why? Because they are unhappy with the way they are? I don't think so.
They love the way they are. It makes them happy. No shame. No conscience. No guilt. No responsibility. Anything goes. Eternal childhood without parents. A blast.
The only Ns who ever even dabble with changing are those who get abandonned or fired or land in prison. Then they are unhappy and may dabble in treatment trying to change - until they find a new gig with more hosts to parasitize. Then life is hunky dory for them again.
The victim is the one with the life of hell. The one who gets punished for the Ns sins.
I'm sorry. No one believed in justice more strongly than I. But not anymore. I have seen too much. There is no justice unless the VICTIM wins it, fights for it and wins it. (Which often is impossible because of the craven bystanders siding with the N.) Nobody up in the sky will do it for you.
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