Saturday, December 01, 2007

War and Peace with the Narcissist

And so, what do you do if you cannot forgive your abuser?

What SHOULD you do? Which party is the obstacle to reconciliation here? You or your abuser?

What should you do? Just accept it. It's a fact. Let it be. You cannot really change it: all you can do is delude yourself about it.

You can pretend to have "forgiven" your abuser all you want, but there is nonetheless, a state of war between you. It exists whether you admit it or not.

This is because your abuser owes you something he or she refuses to pay. The narcissist refuses to even admit what they DID yesterday. She may have punched you for 20 minutes straight, but today she denies that it happened, accusing you of "making things up" or of being the one who attacked.

Since she won't even admit what she did, she is also denying you acknowledgement that it was wrong. That she has wronged you.

So, what is there to "forgive," pray tell?

She is also denying you a promise and guarantees to stop it.

So, how can you "forgive" ongoing abuse in progress?

Fact: life with the narcissist continues as ever: whenever she feels like taking a crap on somebody, you're it. "Forgiving" that is just a codeword for permitting it.

You are not required to forgive that. You cannot forgive it. The narcissist's sin obligates the NARCISSIST to do something about it, not you. It obligates the narcissist to repent it duh.

Oh, yeah - that little prerequisite to forgiveness - repentance. The self-righteous harpies on you to "forgive" conveniently let it slip their slippery minds.

So, you can pretend there is peace between you and the narcissist, but there ain't any. There are just lulls between the surprise attacks.

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At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember the first half year I was almost begging her for some words to ease the pain and give me any clue to understand and forgive her what she did. Her reactions made things only worse and worse.
So, I offered her time after time opportunities to let me try to forgive her.
It kept me hostice for a few years in fact.
Not knowing that with narcissists forgiveness is not possible.
This attitude on forgiveness towards them is even dangerous I found out.
It ended up with me invited by the police to explain why I 'threadened' her!! She had made a kind collage from e-mails and sms's we send eachother from over 1 year, placing them in a certain context, leaving all things out to fit her story or could prove against her. I couldn't believe my eyes she did all this work so clever and wicked.
Luckely this policeofficer I talked to was a kind of stunned by the story I told (that offcourse was new to him) and it ended with a message from him to her asking her try to understand what I've been through.
It's obvious there can be no forgiveness.
Therefor you need two people; one that accepts blame and one who forgives it.
A narcissist won't accept blame no way. So there is the anwser.
They make it impossible to forgive them. You'll never get something back they stole from you, nothing.
They only take more if you give them the change.
It was a hard one to learn and accept.
Later I often wondered what I should do if she'd show up some day (I know it's possible..) and ask me to forgive her.
Then I remeber this U2 song frase from 'One Love'; "it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light, we're one but we're not the same, we'll hurt eachother and we're doing it again".
This song say's it all to me.
We have to carry eachother.
More is not possible with a narsissist.

greetings, Gerard

At 7:22 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

Exactly. About all you can do is be at peace with the fact that they won't let you forgive them.

At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It reminds me of one important reason why I stuck on this forgiveness-thing also.
I just couldn't believe she wouldn't let me forgive her the smallest bit! She added even more abuse on top off all she already did the more I tried to let her forgive me!
This behaviour is so mindblowing. It's totaly the opposit reaction you would expect and are used to wih normal people.
That's why many people who are involved with narcissist's keep on trying for so long I guess; they donn't know what they are dealing with. And because they revere to normal people you cann't blame them.
When I learned about Narcissism I learned to understand why it's no use investing and hoping someday she will realy take some blame and give me the opportunity to forgive.
They should be punished according to the abuse they afflicted on people. Like any criminal. Cause that's what they are.
That's the only language they understand and has any effect on their conduct I believe now.
It took me a few years, till I learned about narcissism, to understand that I had to let go on the forgiveness-thing and to forgive myself to let somebody take me this low.

greetings, Gerard

At 10:11 PM, Blogger Paulette said...

I agree Gerard they are criminals and should be punished as such. The exasparating thing is that so many NPD's are very clever and know how to mask their true selves and their true intentions. So that any evidence of their crimes is long gone by the time the innocent victim realizes the kind of person they've been dealing with.

One relationship I had with a narcissist ended when I begain asking serious questions about his behavior and pointed out the inconsistencies (lies) in his stories. This infuriated him and he broke up with me over the phone. Then later he suggested that we "be friends". I knew that to accept this suggestion would be a big mistake so I told him that I would not be his friend under any circumstances.

Then he became violently angry and threatened me ending his threats with "It will take me a long time to forgive you. But maybe some day I will be able to."!

His comment was so outrageous I busted out laughing. I actually felt a great release and laughed while I told him that he was a very sick troubled man and I want nothing to do with him or with any apology from him which may or may not be in my future.

Since I no longer cared what he thought or felt about me and I had refused his suggestion for us to be friends and I had laughed at his idea that I should "wait" for him like a good little lady until he was ready to forgive me. (I had done nothing but called him on his bizarre cruel behavior and asked him about money he had taken from me) When it should have been him asking for my forgiveness. But with my sincere laughter and my obvious sense of freedom he was angered beyond belief. I was no longer under his perverted narcissistic spell.

But that's what they do so well. They assault, attack, degrade, exploit and cheat others and then ludicrously accuse others of committing these very crimes against them as if by magic.

For me the only forgiveness was the ability to forgive myself for having been duped by this man. It took over a year for me to stop berating myself. I was able to find forgiveness for myself the more I read about NPD, psychopaths and would meet others who would share similar stories with me. It was shocking to discover how many others have had very similar experiences.

I hope that you have been able to move beyond your time with your special NPD individual and that you know it was not your fault. It sounds like you have forgiven yourself and I hope that life has opened up for you in a wonderful way.

As normal, loving, caring people who are capable of compassion and empathy it is very confusing when we meet someone afflicted with NPD and for good reason - they are spiritually impoverished abnormal mentally ill people and beyond the understanding of even the most experienced therapist. What chance does a regular person in life have against these monsters? This is why sharing stories and reading about NPD, psycho/sociopaths is so important. Disturbing and frightening as it is - educating ourselves is the best way to self-acceptance, self-love and ultimate self-forgiveness imo.

At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will never forgive my father for torturing my mother as she died. Perhaps that's why I escaped and my sister didn't.

Paulette, you are so right about laughter. It's one of the few things NPD's can't fight.

At 5:18 PM, Blogger Paulette said...


It is very true! Laughter for me has been very healing. And I learned that narcissists do not have any kind of normal senses of humor. They certainly cannot stand for any humor being directed at them - even innocent jibes.

One thing I still cannot figure out is my narcissistic partner became rageful one night as he watched a comedian he claimed to like who did a sketch making fun of women who fall in love with men behind bars.

He also became very angry when we were at my friend's party and he was playing a cult movie 'Faster Pussy Cat - Kill Kill' as some campy entertainment. I love the movie and was laughing along with everyone else but not my narcissist. It wasn't even that he didn't get the camp factor - it was something else very disturbing being revealed although I still haven't quite figured it out.

Very very creepy these things (I refuse to call them people) with NPD.

I'm sorry your experience was made courtesy of your father. That makes the process of healing probably much more complicated. I hope you are doing well and have found peace and happiness for yourself.

You are right not to forgive imo. In keeping firm it brings great strength and deeper understanding of these disturbed individuals.


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