Sunday, December 09, 2007

How to kill your sister and get away with it

Here is another example of how narcissists operate. The sheer amount of roundabout trouble the narcissist goes to and the amount of time she must have spent plotting this thing will probably amaze you. But if you had only one thing on your mind 100% of the time, you'd probably be this way too.

A narcissistic woman has always abused her older sister. They are both in their fifties now, but up until a few years ago, the abuse included physical beatings. That stopped when the sister finally fought back, bodily throwing the narcissist out the back door and kicking her (so that she whirled to get it in the ass) when the N tried to come back in.

Now the narcissist looks for sneakier ways. Recently, she heard that her sister has pneumonia and promply started having a jerk (let's call him Craig) with a pickup truck and a snowplow on it come over to plow her sister's driveway every time a few snowflakes fall.

In giving him instructions, the narcissist, who is a teacher and therefore quite able to speak coherently when she wants to, jabbered in a confusing manner about how it would probably be impossible for him not to block the gate with the snow he heaped up. It might enable her sister's dog to climb up a pile and out over the little wire fence, so he should pile it at the gate, not along the fence beyond where the snow belonged. And she also went on and on about how this driveway "was the worst in the world to plow," so that nobody would get mad at him for it.

Cunning, eh? Whatever a narcissist is up to, they dress it up as the very opposite. In this case, she was dressing up abuse as "help."

As I've said previously: that ain't mental illness. That is just plain diabolical. So, it's about time some folks woke up and smelled the coffee about narcissists.

This true story has an interesting twist though. Craig, our plowman, is just as mean as the narcissist (and may be one himself). He has a record, a bad attitude toward women, and has been thrown out by his second wife. He liked the idea. He could tell that the narcissist hated her sister and was paying him to stick it to her.

He also took the narcissist for a fool, because she just saw him plowing the neighbor's driveway one day and hired him without even asking his name. He accepts payment only in cash. He had her permission to come and get $10 "whenever it snows." So he came and spent about 30 seconds plowing the driveway for his $10 whenever as little as half an inched dusted the ground.

No narcissist, however, can bear to admit when she is being taken to the cleaners like this. Her imagination preferred to see him as "looking just like Kris Kringle."

But the ironies in this little exploit are rife. For, what was in Craig's head? He takes money from one person to do that on another person's property? He believes what a person doing a dastardly thing like that is telling him? So, he was a fool too.

Assuming they would never talk to each other, the narcissist told everyone involved, including the neighbor, lies about the others. For example, she told her sister that the plowman was "retarded" and "poor" and that she (Mother Theresa) "takes on people like that." (Organ music plays.) Thus she does the poor wretch a favor, you see. Likewise, in talking to him about her sister, she was doing the poor wretch a favor.

But she had never even talked to her sister about doing her this favor. The sister came out one day and saw that a mere two inches of snow (not nearly enough to need a plow for and stupid to use a plow on, because a plow just makes more of a mess than if you just left the snow lay) had been swept up and piled four feet high blocking her gate. Snow was also piled up right behind the garage door, so that she probably would have gotten stuck if she tried to back her car out.

About that time, her loving narcissistic sister called, wanting some humble thanks for this surprise "help." The unhelped sister asked her to contact that guy and make him stop blocking her in.

To her shock, the narcissist refused. She said it was impossible for him not to block her gate. Then there was that stuff about the "worst driveway in the world" and about the dog. Basically, the story sounds as though whatever flak entered the narcissist's head flew out her mouth.

As was her habit, she tried to drown out what her sister was saying like she had learned to back when they were three and four years old – by just yelling her sister down with a nonstop blast from her foghorn. It was a whirlwind of projection and irrationality in which she even accused her sister of saying things two seconds ago that she hadn't said. In other words, the narcissist was composing fiction on the fly just to be impossible to reason with.

At that, the sister stopped trying to reason with the narcissist, because she had been through the Argument Clinic before. She just told the narcissist to quit handing her that crap.

Now the sister was angry with her too, not just with the jackass with the plow who thought it funny to do this to a 55-year-old woman with a bad heart and pneumonia living alone.

The narcissist tried to force her sister to put up with it. That was just tough. That was the way it had to be, or "You're on your own" she threatened her sister.

If that sounds weird, that's because it is. The sister had never asked for such "help" and never even knew it was coming. She has it tight financially, but she isn't in the poor house … except in the narcissist's imagination. For example, the narcissist was stunned to learn that her sister had gone to a doctor and didn't need to go to a free clinic, because she has health insurance. Only a narcissist would ASSUME that someone they NEED to look down on is that down and out.

In other words, narcissists LIVE in a work of fiction. I think this narcissist just stubbornly rejects any facts that conflict with her fiction. I have asked whether she had any "imaginary friends" as a child. She didn't, but she is sure acting now like a child who imagines that people and things are different that they are. I am conviced that, like a little child, she wants to dramatize and spice them up, to liven up her dead little world. She is like a child who will imagine a whole person that doesn't exist and insist that you set a place for this imaginary friend at the table. This narcissist's fictions about people always make their characters sound like the two-dimensional cartoon characters in a novel – you know, the unimportant sidekicks who are spiced up with some oddity that makes them stand out.

So, in the narc's fecund imagination, her sister is too poor to get by without her help. Obviously, she therefore imagined that she had her sister over a barrel and trapped in a situation where she would have to put up with this and then beg the narcissist to clear the pile of snow ( = let her out of her house) so she could get to her car.

Powerplay. If you live with a narcissist, you have been there: you get this kind of shit from them all the time. Like spiders, they go to an incredible amount of plotting and trouble to weave a web to trap you so that you have to just take whatever they dish out because they have something you need that they can withhold from you. Their majesties are grand but never grand enough to hit on anyone able to hit back.

The narcissist, of course, was too busy on Tuesday to free her trapped sister till Saturday.

Get the picture? The sister with the bad heart and pneumonia is to go out there and kill herself by trying to dig herself out. Then the narc, who stole her inheritance, gets to have the sister's copyrights as well.

The very next day, less than half an inch fell, and Craig was back. In less than a minute he had swept all the snow up to make the heap blocking the gate even higher.

There is good news in this anecdote though. Again, it is one of the few I know of with a happy ending.

The narcissistic teacher is desperate for attention. Hard to believe, but true: even being a teacher doesn't fulfill her need for attention.

Yet her ego won't allow her to call her sister for someone to talk to. But though she has tried many baits, she can't sucker the sister into calling her or having anything to do with her (though they live across the street from each other). So the pretext of "helping the needy sister" is the only pretext the narcissist's ego will let her call her sister on. Get it? That way the narcissist doesn't need her sister, the sister needs her.

This desperation, as doubtless you see, has made her go too far this time. If she had any sense, she would have acted innocent by agreeing to make Craig do it right or stop coming. But she senselessly hung herself instead.

She was going to make this ploy work whether it would work or not.

This happens with sibling abuse, because the narcissist has abused that brother or sister with impunity for a lifetime. The narcissist just cannot face facts when their best punching bag isn't easy prey anymore. They are used to getting away with ANYTHING against that brother or sister. They are used to no limits in how far they may go with that brother or sister. They are used to making the most bizarre and outrageous demands, used to getting away with the most flagrant irrationality. They forget that in the real world that doesn't fly.

In this case you can see that Craig the plowman was trespassing and the narcissist was paying him to. She steadfastly refused to correct him. When she threatened to make him stop plowing, the sister said, "Good." When the sister asked for the neighbor's unlisted phone number so that she could call that neighbor and get his name, the narcissist refused to even give her that information so that the sister could take care of the matter herself.

In short, the narcissist hung herself. The sister just called the police, and that was that. And then everyone – the plowman, the sister, and the neighbor - got to compare notes on what the narcissist had said to them about the others.

How stupid can a person get? It is only because a narcissist is fixated 100% on aggrandizing her image at someone else's expense that she did such a stupid, stupid thing. She must never have stopped to think long enough to see that she was hanging herself.

This too is common. Narcissists are so preoccupied with their image that nothing else even enters their heads. For example, in making a business decision, it's all about their image. Result? Bad business decision. Stupid, stupid business decision. And notice how easily this con artist narcissist was conned by the plowman. Typical of narcissists. Again because their preoccupation with fantasy blinds them to glaringest warning signs.

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At 8:41 AM, Blogger groupThink said...

A brilliant story illustrating so much of their thinking and behaviour. Much appreciated.

At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this story. Some would say "how could you call the Police on your Sister for doing something nice?" People don't realize that sometimes a gift is really a weapon. My N mom is a master at this. She gives lavish gifts to make others jealous, or she gives an expensive (something you despise) gift to make you angry.

I lived in an alternate reality "lifestyle" while growing up. N mom set herself up as Judge and Jury and I always lost. It was rather odd to become an adult and realize that the treatment I was accustomed to receiving at home was not a real world reality. I found out that I wasn't the bad or the crazy one.

N sister actually physically assaulted me and then while I was calling the Police, she showed up at the Police station while I was still on the phone with them. She was under the impression, whatever I say will be believed and the first one to the Police will win. See, she was always the first one to N mom and she always won, she thought this was how it worked, no matter that she was 100% in the wrong.

She was in for a rude awakening! I don't have a mother to protect me, but at least I have the Police.

At 11:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

not only do i believe all this, i understand all of it, and i live like this. only i cant tell stories this good because mine still fly so far under the radar for any-everyone else. but i know. i know how they treat me.i KNOW how convoluted conversations get. i know how many twists a simple truth will take before it becomes a simple truth again.i know how long people are kept waiting-i finally realized thats whats happening- they are (left)just waiting-like a puppy who is too young to know its not getting a treat but still is expectant of one. the lies that are soooo good they arent recognized as glad you guys are here (that sounds weak !!! for how i mean it). can someone address how painful it is when your Ns are not so ridiculously obvious . mine dont get busted enough. i swear i can feel my mind bending. and on this vein- i really have been struggling lately again that its not a mental illness or a defect- but just plain old mean and f-ing manipulative and deliberate. jt

At 10:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can address how painful it is when the N's fly below the radar. I am the poster whose sister assaulted her. The N's in my family had 40 years of flying below the radar before this final OBVIOUS act. I'm not saying that she hadn't assaulted me before but this one had "real world" witnesses.

You might never have a moment where the N's in your family fly above the radar. Especially in front of normal witnesses. But I hear you, I especially feel your pain.
The funniest part is... after 40 years of wondering if I was being abused, it took this final straw to convince me that my family isn't right. I think final straws are what make it easy to go No Contact.
Good Luck!


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