The Dependent Mindset of a Narcissist
Doubtless, in my last post, you noticed the similarity in the attitude of your typical narcissist and the attitude of the dependent people I mentioned in the examples.
Hopefully your politics button wasn't pushed by those examples to make you resist the known truth and...
(a) go deaf to my assertion that these are not bad people REFUSING to lift a finger for themselves and help their neighbor.
(b) fail to see that the people in those examples came from different races, difference socio-economic status, and different cultures.
So, you can't blame it on culture or poverty or anything else you'd like to club your political opponents with: it's just the way people are. Dependency causes it.
The problem is that dependent people become childlike/childish. They view themselves as here to be taken care of. They feel that they have a claim on other people's lives.
Like children do. Unfortunately, this is right and natural in children but not in grownups.
It explains one of the phenomena that people who live with narcissists put up with every day. An example is worth a thousand words.
John comes into the kitchen ten minutes after five and sees that Mary is washing windows. He fools around to get her attention. He horns around, kinda like an annoying hornet.
If he gets really desperate, he might stoop to the humiliating act of asking, "When are we gonna eat?"
"When I get done with this."
He goes and lays down. After about ten minutes, he returns. Horning around again. "What time is it?"
"Look at the clock (stupid)."
This goes on and on. (It used to drive my mother crazy.) He never will admit that God Almighty is hungry and wants something to eat. That would screw up his God-Almighty act! He shouldn't have to ask. Mother Mary is here to take care of him and see to all this infant's needs without him having to utterly degrade his godhead by asking for anything.
Kinda like the Queen of England. I bet she never has to tell anyone that she's hungry and that it's past time for her lunch. Does she?
Same with King John here.
Mamma Mary is here to see to all his needs. I mean that exactly: that's WHAT SHE IS HERE FOR in that child's mind.
So, nothing else should take precedence, even for a moment. She is to attend to him (like the servants wait in attendance on the Queen) to anticipate his every need and fulfill his desires without his ever having to ask for anything.
Indeed! Think how it would degrade the King to have to ASK for anything! Or to fetch something to eat for himself. (See the case of Lee Harvey Oswald in the book.) Oh, horrible! Horrible! Your narcissist just cannot bring himself to do it. He would rather die.
No exaggeration. He would rather die than do anything to screw up up is King act.
I hope the screaming irony isn't lost on you: this is the mindset of children.
Children view themselves as here to be taken care of by others. It's their mindset - that is, a system of assumptions that forms a framework for the mind, limiting the ideas one can get.
That child or that narcissist CANNOT GET THE IDEA to lend a hand and help Mom with the windows. He can't get the idea to go to the refrigerator and find something for himself. He can't get the idea to say, "You are busy. How about if I go out and get some take-home for supper?"
The stupid, stupid, stupid narcissist cannot even GET any of those bright ideas.
Simply because in his world Mamma Mary is there to take care of him. She is to pay constant attention to him so that she can detect the moment he feels hungry. (Whenever Mamma fails to detect that, Baby bawls in anger at her for it.) Since taking care of him is what she exists for, she must drop everything and rush to fix him supper.
And she isn't doing that, so he feels deprived of SOMETHING HE IS OWED. Just like those people in the examples, who believed that they were OWED that vacation in prime-time, that salvation by Uncle Sam, and those handouts from their fellow Americans.
What magic magical thinking can do. One minute you are incurring a debt or being given a gift or privilege. The next minute, your benefactor is the debtor in your eyes. Read more on The Denial of Remorse and Gratitude (by Nancy McWilliams, Ph.D. and Stanley Lependorf, Ph.D.)here.
A sure sign of this mindset is the inappropriate anger when these grandiose expectations are not met. "Waah!" You don't think they're important! "Waah!"
Though you are moving heaven and earth to bring aid to them in an area to which there is no land or sea access and virtually no dry ground for air access...even bringing troops home from a foreign war to help them. "Waah!" You don't CARE about them! Waah!"
Not adult behavior.
Yes, afterward, adults would have plenty of angry things to say about the bad planning and bureaucratic failures, but they wouldn't be caught dead screaming accusations as ridiculous as that.
When people make excuses for malignant narcissists, I don't buy them. This is because you cannot get a malignant narcissist to cut it out. You cannot reason with him. You cannot make him grow up. The harder you try, the more vehemently he flies in your face with his Infant/King (take your pick) act.
So, it is willful, even if in adult narcissists this behavior has become such a habit that they are doing it off-handedly without consciously trying to put you down.
Nonetheless, there is comfort for the victims in knowing that adult narcissists ARE programmed to do this. It isn't always calculated to devalue you. Remember that. It isn't you. They do the same thing to anyone in your position.
They just can't be grownups. That would end the Game of Pretend, and they'd rather die than check out of their fantasy.
narcissistic personality disorder narcissism