Malignant Narcissism: Grandiosity Without Self Respect
UPDATE: Revised and moved for inclusion in the book.
Narcissism is, in many ways, a failure of self respect. Could anything be more ironic?
This is what I mean.
...
A narcissist will do anything to get what she or he wants - ANYTHING: scream, act crazy, carry on like it's the end of the world, act too stupid to know how stupid they're being, stomp their feet like a Drama Queen, hit, kick, sulk, bust things, blather a wall of flak that doesn't even make sense - anything to get you to give in and give the brat whatever he or she wants. They have no self respect. Nothing is beneath them.
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Any thoughts on how to curb this behavior? My ex-husband was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with NPD and so dealing with him is miserable. How do you deal with someone who will resort to horrible behavior to get his way? They don't fight fair, so they win every time.
N's have no self respect, so they like to take away other people's as much as possible (slander, gas lighting, public humiliation...).
When I was a kid the final 'scene' in my N mother's rages consisted of me and my sister begging her to forgive us. (Often she wouldn't even tell us what we'd done - "you should know!") The more humiliating for us the better - snot nosed and sobbing on our knees promising her anything we could think of that she'd like. That's the part of her abuse that I have the hardest time talking about. It was all about causing shame and breaking us down.
If an N doesn't have something, she's doesn't want any one else to have it either.
--A
I don't think you can curb it unless you totally ignore them....and really that just means in the end you get totally away from them.
That wall of flak blathering comment and how it doesn't make sense just to get their way? That was perfect!!
You cannot talk it out or argue a point because there ISN'T any point according to the narcissist EXCEPT them getting their own way ALL THE TIME.
I have been raged at with so called arguments that were totally contradictory and nonsensical for having the nerve to tell anyone what he was actually doing to me. If I told about the abuse then he was hurt, and outraged as if I were the one at fault. "You have tried to ruin my LIFE!" he would scream. You told people things that should have been PRIVATE!" I even said "Yes, all abusers want to keep it "private"
The point is that there wasn't any POINT in me trying to say that or anything else to the N. They are INSANE in their concept of reality. They live on planet N and you might as well be speaking chinese to them for all they "get" out of discussion or trying to say or do anything NORMAL in their realm.
I got to the point where I just put a imaginary shield around myself and let him rant and run out of steam...I'd think about something else totally. Then I got out and away from his ridiculous assinine abusive crap and I am still picking up the pieces of my life and will be for a long, long time.
Ignore his childish behaviors or respond to them the same way you would with a three year old..."Now dear I can't discuss this with you when you won't listen and are this upset. I'm going for a walk so I can calm down" See? You have to make them THINK you are somehow the one doing what THEY are doing...i.e. you just told the N that it was YOU that needed to calm down..I just couldn't stomach that sort of micro management anymore.
Ask your husbands doctor for some ideas on these things. Hopefully they will be more than willing to help you out.
N's will try and get something you have even when they don't want it!! Just BECAUSE you have it and they don't. My xn admitted to having been jealous of my life...the stability, my friends, my relationship with my son...he didnt finish that thought but, that's the real reason he tried to destroy my life and ruin me in every way. Just because! He didn't have that kind of life through his OWN fault so he didn't want me to have it.
Nice people these N's huh?
How do you deal with someone who will resort to horrible behavior to get his way? They don't fight fair, so they win every time.
You're right. You can't win a 'game' when the only rule the other 'player' respects is 'win at any cost'. No respect, no honor, no higher cause or truth or virtue, just as little effort (on his part) as possible and 'I gotta get what I want!'
However, you can opt not to play the game. Go 'no contact' or 'limited contact' if NC isn't an option. Communicate with email, letters, phone messages or your lawyer (if you're lucky and rich). Shut him out. When you need to vent turn to your friends, therapist, exercise, anyone or anything but the N. Let him accuse you of being an unfeeling, selfish robot. That's praise! (Though he didn't intend it that way.) Maybe he'll quit trying to get you in the 'game'.
It's sad really. When you feel indifferent disgust rather than hurt and anger when he's trying to manipulate you, you know you've finally won. You might even feel a hint of pity, not really for him as he is, but for what might have been.
--A
I am currently going through legal hell due to a bully who will not acknowlege his obligations but jumps up and down and screams blue murder if I do not comply with what he thinks he is entitled to. I have fulfilled my part of the contract but that wasn't protection, as his solicitor used a specious technicality to drag this on and blow out my expenses.
I wrote a comment about this about a month ago when I listed some of his behaviour and I will be putting it up on the internet soon. Today, I am relieved to say I finally got to terminate the contract due to the bully's breach, but this is not the end of the matter and he still can come back at me, whether he has the legal right to or not.
Everyone whom I have spoken to about this has been disgusted and incredulous, but that does not help me legally. Due to me changing solicitors, I only got to look at my file less than 2 weeks ago. The bully even had the audacity to make criminal allegations against me!
-Cassandra
Way back in the 1970s I knew a Cairn Terrier who, for the reward of a "dog choc", would beg, sit, lie down, shake hands, roll over and wait.
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