Saturday, April 28, 2007

Additional Considerations About the Children

I am not arguing a case here, but I am brainstorming things for the non-narcissistic parent to consider when deciding whether to divorce a narcissist.

There are many angles to consider. I laid out many of the practical considerations on the main website and in the book in the topic "Must I Leave Him?"

An additional one is for a male non-narcissistic parent. Traditionally the courts have been biased against the father in custody battles. In fact, narcissists are such cunning con artists that the courts VERY often buy into a narcissistic father's character assassination of the mother to win custody. So, if mothers lose custody battles with a narcissist, fathers have even less chance of seeing justice.

There are, however, attorneys now specializing in such cases. They know how to get the job done.

One thing I'd suggest is being very careful not to push a narcissist's battle-you-for-custody button. From what I've seen, they don't want the kids. I have seen them devastate their children by just walking away forever. Even when the narcissist is the mother.

This might not be true in all cases. But I suspect it's often just the narcissist's competitive impulses that make them battle for custody, because a narcissist MUST ALWAYS WIN. Everything is a game, and the narcissist must ALWAYS WIN. They MUST. They are compulsive about it. They just could not bear to have you "win."

I don't know - you might even try reverse psychology. But in any case, I wouldn't let anger slip and make any remarks about him or her having the children taken away. Then the narcissist will have to fight for them.

Another consideration: narcissists often sucker their children too (though kids seem to have better judgement than the courts). At least for awhile. Think, how will your children feel someday when they realize that their narcissistic parent's victim act made them feel sorry for him/her, view YOU as the bad guy, and turn against you, thus effectively HELPING him abuse you in what amounts to a ganging up?

Can you imagine their shame and guilt? When they see what they have done, they will want to just roll over and die. That will be a demon at their door, blocking a wholesome relationship with you.

Sure, they were just children who were suckered. But such betrayal of their one loving parent is something Oedipal for them to deal with.

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At 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

kathy- i agree with and see what you're saying in your last comment and in this post.that's kind of where my last comment came from- about staying on the side watching FOR IT (watching for the abuse then be ready to deal with it instead of "creating the abuse" like they seem to think i'm doing. sometimes when i address the abuse they all seem to react like i'm just being too sensitive and then it feels like me against them.) my N is so covert that it sometimes takes me a day to wade through what he meant by something-because it takes that long for the smoke to clear then i watch to see what follows and there's my answer. he is REALLY crafty. when i used to go back and forth with him, he could always "have an out"- like "i didn't mean it" or "it was just a joke" know the excuses. but now because i have learned to let him have the last word so that his are the ones that echo and sure enough sounded pretty mean- he's having to get more creative. he can now make a "nice" comment loaded with venom only I still know what he's still up to. i swear he hates me. i don't even care that he does except it just activates my spidey senses when he's "nice" to me. i sooo don't trust him.
your paragraph about we have been trained to let the abuse pass. then later,in private talk to the child and the ill timed silent tactic just feeds the N is exactly what has happened here.
there is no good way to deal with an N and there are a multitude of mistakes to make. i think i might finally just break down and cry.
the whole divorcing scene would probably just feed him,like pouring gas on a fire- whichever flames are burning my backside this week. sometimes i wish he would just stick a knife in my back so i could quit running from him and his stupid games. the part you said about the woman going off on her N cuz he hit one of the kids- i could do that- in fact i almost wish for it which sounds sick- but i could totally justify beating him up for beating the kids- it's just so stifling when nothing that dramatic happens.he is a slithering cowardly snake in the grass 3yr old which i think is creepier cuz those kind use their twisted little minds to fight back instead of a blatant instantaneous temper tantrum.yuck! (maybe i should rent that movie "omen" with that damien kid in it. i'll either laugh or have nightmares!)sorry to go on so much. jt

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

"there is no good way to deal with an N and there are a multitude of mistakes to make."

You said a mouthful there. That is exactly true. It's a Catch-22.

If you ignore them and let them get away with it, you're reinforcing that behavior by showing him that it wins.

If you don't, you are fighting all the time.

Which do you choose? One bad end? or the other? It's Catch-22. Narcissists make it one. They are impossible.

At 12:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes. they are. it is. jt

At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When a narcissist with histrionic personality disorder losed her child due to emotional abuse by the state, will she give up? The state on NJ will likely order therapeutic services to the mother to give her a chance. Will a typical narcissist who should have been acting in her best behavior while under inviestigation continue to buy themselves new shovels/ Are they going to look for a new supply and walk away from the child?

At 5:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

will the narcissist that loses the child due to emotional abuse by the state agency give up? she will be required to attend therapeutic services. Why when under invesigation and knows she is in hot water will the narcissist continue to abuse and finally gets her child removed?

At 6:12 PM, Blogger Writer in Washington said...

Kathy, this may be true about the kids, I can't say that I've seen it happen though. I think they are more likely to stay with the N and to continue to villify their father. BTW, the courts are terribly biased toward the mother in this state. Its absolutely pathetic. And you are quite right about them just using the kids. My husband's ex was just trying to hurt him and get his attention. She had walked away from the kids because she was more interested in her livein than them. When she found out that we were engaged all hell broke loose. He was always supposed to be waiting in the wings to take her back.

I hope and pray that his kids will one day come to their senses. I doubt it, though. Its much easier for them to continue to enable their mother and to continue to avoid their responsibility. I think they both have chosen to be N's themselves. They think she is the "winner" but actually, they are the biggest losers of all!


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