Thursday, January 03, 2008

The Obtuseness of Narcissist Sympathizers

On the obtuseness of many therapists (but not all) and of your typical holier-than-thou narcissist sympathizer who puts the victim under a fault-finding microscope and somehow has just nothing to say about the narcissist's offense:

Please let the facts sink in. Going around your whole life telling people that your mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband, or co-worker is crazy (among other things) isn't nothing. Why are you unable to appreciate how despicable and damaging that is?

Why do you make nothing of it? See no damage done? See no claim for reparations?

What is the matter with you?

I think I know how to enable you to understand. Give me the contact information for all your family members and associates, and I will go around for just one week telling them that you are crazy (among other things).

Will that help you get it?

Your lack of empathy rivals the narcissist's.

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At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Kathy,

I would love to read more of your thoughts on this subject.
Do you think that the N's sympathizers may know what is going on, but are like those who team up with the school bully to avoid becoming a victim themselves ? Or are they really fooled by the N.
Also, what about the people who one minute appear to be "on your side" and the next minute are treating the N. as if he had done nothing. Is it "anything for a quiet life " with them.

At 8:39 AM, Anonymous gh said...

I think in a great many cases, the sympathizers are narcissists themselves, and it is a convenient mutual exchange of NS that goes on. I'm thinking in particular of one couple, my "best fried" of 20 years and her husband, who chose to remain friends with my narcissistic ex and to lie to me about it even after being told about the abuse and even after telling me that they believed everything I said about the abuse that occurred.

My "friend" gave a long speech about how she and her husband accept all of their friends, regardless of their flaws, and chose to be there for my ex because when a friend asks for their help, they provide it. I can't begin to convey the holier-than-thou tone that permeated that speech, but it struck me that the line between holier-than-thou and grandiose, if there is a line at all, is very, very slim.

At 3:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

GH, looks as though we have similar former friends.

Mine are not narcissistic, just horrendously lacking in insight as a result of having been savagely abused by narcissistic parents/in-laws - and desperately hanging on to denial of this, thus compulsively choosing abusers over non-abusive people whenever the abusers force such a choice. Which abusers, being abusers, always do.

I watched these folks brush off, neglect, etc. various decent acquaintances who simply couldn't compete with Bottomless Pit types [in terms of high drama, need for codependent rescuing, etc.]; and of course I was fundamentally betrayed by them myself, because they 'felt sorry' for a person who was abusing me, and therefore sided with my abuser in full knowledge of their abusive behavior.

There is absolutely nothing that can be done with people like this, except to discuss them as case studies and learn the signs, so you can avoid other people like this in the future.

I note that your 'friend' conveniently ignored the fact that choosing loyalty to your abuser was also, inextricably, a choice to betray you. Lies, concealment, etc. - looks like betrayal to me, yup yup.

At 6:46 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

I can't even begin to think what is going on in the heads and emotions of a person who can see abuse right in front of them and slip into total denial mode.

I speak out and up! I say STOP. I say "That is awful." I say, "That is wrong."

Back in November my xN mother was visiting. An argument between my xN partner and me broke out. I'm at the table in the defensive position of my arm over my head, hand splayed out, head bent low, while he's standing yelling, name-calling "stupid" "lost the plot" "lost my mind" "sick in the head" and after he had finished his onslaught with me saying "STOP" and nothing else because I did not want it to continue in front of our 4 year old daughter. His Mother said to me, "Oh, that isn't abuse." I was stunned. She also went on to say that she thought my idea of 'happy families' was an unrealistic fantasy.

Denial? You betchya. Weak and spineless? You betchya. Fearful of reprisals? Perhaps, but that is not what is important. Clearly, in her past, she endured the same thing. But it is not my future, and I speak up about it. It is WRONG! And I'm not afraid to say so, regardless of who's feelings I may hurt. Poor N dears.....bah!


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