Healing

Every so often I get a comment here or an email in which someone tells me that this site has comforted as well as informed them. That it helped them deal with the chief effect of narcissistic abuse -- thinking badly of themselves and blaming themselves = thinking there's something wrong with THEM -- that it thus helped them regain their self respect.

What is that, if not HEALING? Notice that it has nothing to do with forgiving the narcissist. Instead, it has everything to do with morally getting back to your feet from your knees.

It is seeing that YOU are not the flawed one. That you have just been brainwashed by a mentally disordered person into thinking you are. That it was your GOOD personal qualities he or she exploited to hurt you with. It is seeing that your reactions to narcissistic abuse are normal. That your feelings aren't sins. And yes, it's also wising up and facing facts. But mainly it's about repairing your damaged relationship with YOURSELF.

I want to make sure everyone who has told me they have been helped to regain their self esteem knows how much I appreciate that.

Also I want you all to know that helping others thus heal helps ME heal. Yes! That has been an unexepected dividend of this Website.

In fact, I dare say that nothing is better for the victims of narcissists than comforting other victims, than reaching down as someone who's been there and helping that person back to their feet. By showing that abused man, woman, or child that they matter, that their abuse matters, that it isn't nothing, and that they aren't nothing. That they should get up off their knees and stand up straight because they deserve respect.

I'll go further: I think healing, like love, is something you have to give away to get . . . that healing has nothing to do with forgiving the offender and that it has everything to do with helping others heal.

That's just a tip. So, when you can comfort some other victim of abuse by listening, understanding, sharing and explaining some things, DO. Comfort. You'll be glad you did. It pays back in spades.

Putting Away the Things of a Child

Here's a note the 50-something brother or sister of a narcissist sent her. Worth sharing:

It's like, if you don't hear it, I didn't say it and your world is under control, right?

It's pretty hard at my age to remember thinking like that -- over 50 years ago -- but if I contemplate, I can remember what it was like in a child's mind before the Age of Reason.

Getting lost in a game of pretend like an actor who loses herself in a character. Having imaginary friends. Thinking that putting on Mommy's clothes makes you grown up. Insisting that 2 + 2 = 5 if that suits you.

No clear distinction between fantasy and reality. And a preference for the former.

It makes one God, doesn't it? The Controller of the Universe and Everything in It.

Not.

But it sure props up a fragile ego that feels so small in a world of giants. Till normal children come out of Never Never Land, grow up, and get a personality. Why not get around to it already and see what you're missing?

Holier-than-thous

Have you noticed the following on some message boards?

Someone who has recently spit up with a narcissist vents. Most posters think nothing of it, remembering their own anger, and they readily supply what the victim of a narcissist needs: a hearing, understanding, and a response that tells the victim that he or she matters, that what was done to him or her wasn’t nothing. That’s what the victim has been devalued by being deprived of (not only by the narcissist but also generally by all “bystanders” who don’t know what a narcissist does to you).

Then somebody pipes up with a religious “testimony” (= preaching) that censures the victim’s FEELINGS as a sin and says that the victim would be as happy-happy-happy-and-carefree as she if only he gave his anger to God like she had.

Gag me with a spoon. Is that not exactly what the narcissist did to the victim?

Playing the “I-am-holier-than-thou” game is no different than playing the “I-am-smarter-than-thou” game or the “I-am-better-looking-than-thou” game or the “I-am-inherently-superior-to-thou” game in any of its myriad narcissistic manifestations.

That in itself should be a warning. Is this critic a narcissist themselves? Is this message board just a stalking ground for him or her? Could be. Narcissists DO stalk boards.

It is at least very likely that the holier-than-thou has never really been abused by a narcissist and is just whining on that board about some lover who couldn’t stand her holier-than-thou act and broke up with her.

Which is why I suggest that you not use your true identity on the Internet. When joining give an email address from a free email account, which can’t be traced to find your street address, phone number, and real name. And use an alias, not your real name.

A board is supposed to be a safe place for victims to air their feelings. But the holier-than-thous make it dangerous to do so. In fact, the "I-am-holier-than-thou" game is the most oppressive one of all. For, everyone fears the labels holier-than-thous put on people, which characterize you as bad. Moreover, when it gets to the point that victims dare not even feel their feelings without censure, that environment is about as oppressive as one can get.

As for what to do about a holier-than-thou coming down on a victim, that's a good question. It usually abruptly ends a thread. And perhaps the quiet wisdom of the masses is best. For, if you do attempt to defend the victim and deny that feelings are a sin, be prepared for a trip to the Argument Clinic. Funny how it's just like trying to make a point with a narcissist.