Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Narcissist Sympathsizer's IQ Test

I, for one, am sick of the insult to our intelligence in narcissist sympathizers trying to hand people the line that the poor, poor narcissist doesn't mean to hurt anyone, that they don't know what they are doing, that it just sort of happens, that they think they are behaving normally.

Your brain must be dead if you think that people who abuse ONLY ON THE SLY - behaving like angels when there are witnesses - don't know exactly what they're doing.

To the bullet-headed narcissist sympathizers, I say, "Try real, real hard to understand. Bend a brain cell or two. Repeat to yourself 100 times that "He abuses only in the dark. When other people are watching, he acts like he's full of loving kindness even toward the very one he abuses in the dark."

Maybe if you repeat that simple fact to yourself 100 times, it will sink in. Think. Think real, real hard what it means. Really work at lifting that mental weight. Come on, you can do it. If you try real, real hard you will understand what this simple fact means.

Circumcize your crusty brain, because the average ten-year-old knows that if you hide what you are doing, you know what you are doing and that it's wrong.

Especially when you go to great lengths putting on a phony show of being the exact opposite type of person.

Get a clue: that ain't mental illness; that's just diabolical.

What's more, even the average ten year-old is smart enough to know that if you can control yourself when there are witnesses, you can control yourself when there aren't.

Too complex? Read my lips: that ain't mental illness; that's just sneakiness to get away with wrongdoing.

Sorry, but if you narcissist sympathizers can't see that, no one can enlighten you.

What's more, narcissists are sadistic. The well-known narcissist Sam Vaknin himself often says this. And anyone abused by a narcissist knows it.

Sadism is proof positive of the intent to cause pain.

It is also proof positive of the ability to empathize when the narcissist or psychopath wants to. Unfortuanately, the only time they choose to empathize is when calculating what to do to cause maximum pain. You know - the empathy of professional torturer, used only to feel out what type of treatment will wound most deeply.

The courts know this all this too. Psychopaths (who are all narcissists) and other narcissists flunk with flying colors all the insanity tests. Which is why NPD and psychopathy are no defense and are considered character disorders, not personality disorders.

And the mental health establishment has no credibility on the question, since they call cigarette smoking a mental illness and called homosexuality a mental illness till the day the politically correct wind shifted. How can anyone respect the judgement of a herd like that?

While I won't argue that NPD isn't a mental illness, I see that, if it is, it is far more likely the fruit of thoroughly depraved character, not the cause.

If you must twist your brain into a bowlful of tangled spaghetti to "rationalize" irrational and predatory behavior, you are going to end up with a damaged mind. But it's an EFFECT, not a cause, of vicious behavior.

But, go ahead, narcissist sympathizers. Insult your own intelligence all you want: it's a free country. Just don't expect anything but what you have coming for insulting mine or anyone else's.

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At 7:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes yes yes yes yes!!!

What frustrates me most about N-abling is the moral cowardice involved.

I swear N-ablers know exactly what they are doing, and exactly how much damage it does. Ever notice they can't look you in the eyes when they're blathering on about their justifications for pulling this stunt on someone?

Now, as to the ones who can look you in the eyes... in my experience, they're just opportunistic little Mini-Ns, kicking people who are already down.

One of my favorite authors once wrote: "[most] people are wolves or wolverines when they are not tapeworms or sheep." I thought that was awfully harsh when I first read it, but the longer I live, and the more contact I have with Ns and N-ablers, the more I see what he meant.

At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In some ways it is worse than the N txt- the abandonment by "friends." Went through HELL last yr. with a N (probably psycopath) and suffered ontop at the hands of my friends.

But I learned to be very reserved and protective. Life is entirely different now. They could have made it a life-affirming tim e ( as much as possible) instead I was left defending my sanity and rights.

At 8:08 AM, Blogger Barbara said...

If only law enforcement would GET THIS one too!!

At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those are powerful words. Thank you.

At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very difficult when friends who know both of you as a couple and who knew a lot of what h*ll my ex-N put me through, still refuse to take sides. They say "we support you both," "we want the best for both of you" and "we don't want to make judgments."

I don't need friends who would want to "support" someone who was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to me as well as a man who cheated on me with escort services.

How can people justify consorting with evil and looking the other way? If they only were friends with him, fine, but they were supposedly my friend too and when they chose to remain friends with him rather than to distance themselves from someone who dreadfully hurt another of their friends, what does that say? Very hurtful. It is obvious that they prefer their friendship with him and that is fine, but I will not be friends with them too.

At 7:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2:18 PM, I relate strongly to your experience.

Back to moral cowardice again [I'm anonymous 7:38 a.m.].

These so-called 'friends' have made a choice. They're choosing your abuser over you, because it's easier for them. They don't have to stand up to him and get on his Poop Sheet by doing so. They abandon you instead, because they don't expect you to abuse them in response, when they abuse you.

By pretending not to make a choice, they choose to enable abuse, and they force you to make the moral choice to abandon them along with the abuser they have actually chosen to favor over you.

Thus both depriving you of their validation and support, and forcing you to do all the emotional work. [Isn't it interesting how emotionally LAZY N-ablers are?] Meanwhile your abuser gets the message that his behavior is A-OK, because they're still there for him, rah rah rah.

The only consolation I can offer is that it's better to be honestly alone than up to your neck in false friends, if those are the only choices. Doesn't matter if the false friends are merely gutless or actively/covertly abusive... the net result of either one is instant willingness to throw you to the wolves whenever the opportunity arises.

At 5:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am in the process of standing up for a friend during a custody battle. His ex is the narcissist. It has been a 15 month struggle and is not over yet. I have been maligned, intimidated, and threatened. I could not live with myself, however, if I had not stood up for my friend and, consequently, his daughter. It has not been easy but it has been worth it. The narcissist's goal was to drive my friend completely out of town by ruining his business, his reputation, his relationship with his daughter, and his life. It has not worked. Usually narcissists "out" themselves in the end. Of course, the damage is done. I have survived all the things they've pulled even though it has been stressful and I feel good about myself!

At 6:46 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

People like you are too few and far between. You definitely should feel good about yourself. And you have stated the crux of the issue: cowardice. The victim is a harmless person the bystanders don't fear. So, they take the abuser's side.

Courage is the greatest virtue, the one that permits all others. And it isn't common. It's like a shining diamond in your heart that no one can ever take away.

You have it by having it and always will know that you have it.

It puts cowards to shame.

That's why they twist things to make a virtue of their cowardice.

At 6:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kathy, I was very dismayed and shocked when my N-spouse and I went to see a therapist (Ph.D.) for counseling (spouse extremely grudging about this) -- and the therapist blamed me for the problems! In fact, her response to my cry for help led her to blame me, once he said I was at fault! I asked her why she didn't believe me that I was being abused (despite my very explicit descriptions of terrible events), and she said because I was too emotional, and he was calm! I cried for about 10 hrs afterwards, feeling completely alone and helpless. It was like breaking a window in the basement, and the "rescuer' who hears you says you are really a pain for disturbing the man keeping you hostage! It was a terrible experience, and I felt completely revictimized. I can only think that she was mesmerized by him - he is an incredibly good manipulator. Originally she was praising me (1st visit) but he cried a crocodile tear on the 2nd, and then it all changed. It was beyond disappointing. "jewel"

At 2:14 AM, Blogger Kathy said...

Jewel, You aren't the only one that has happened to. It's a common complaint. In fact, Joanna Ashmun tells of the same thing on her site.

Above all, healthcare professionals are to "do no harm," but these idiots do great harm. Both you and your abuser walked out of there worse after this good-for-nothing's "treatment."

For one thing, in this brand of pseudo-medicine the one who diagnosies and treats usually isn't even an MD. Just a social worker. For another, there's a seedy culture among this crowd. Neo-neocon in her blog mentions that she has heard quite a few therapists say they don't think they could treat a Republican. They can treat a child molester, but not a Republican. Which means that more than a few of them need treatment themselves.

I hope that soon there will be resources on the Web listing competent physicians and counselors = those who know what they're doing, as is the case with those suffering from chronic diseases like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. (In that case many so-called doctors blame the victim by deciding that it's all in the patient's head. So, there are resources on the Web that help you find a physician known to treat patients with these complaints appropriately.)

It's common, documented knowledge that narcissists and psychopaths are such good manipulators that they fool therapists almost all the time. When will therapists let this knowledge sink in so that they just listen to exact words and judge by exact facts, checking out what the N says by testing him? Never, I think, because they have huge egos themselves and are sure they're too smart to be fooled.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger Lynn said...

Jewel, you are not alone, the exact same thing happened to me. Because the N just sits there 'calm' like, the counsellor doesn't get any feed back, and because you are the verbal one, you are the one giving all the clues and the feedback and I don't exactly know how the dynamics work but you end up explaining things, validating your experiences over again to disbelieving ears.

Take it from me and many others, couples counselling with an abuser is a disaster (and dangerous). If you want to go to counselling, find one that recognises domestic abuse or one that is attached to a women's shelter and have yourself counselled on how to deal with the abuse in a way which is good for YOU.

I've also spoken to other women, all who've ended up with disastrous counselling with an N partner who just sits there, cries a crocodile tear, fools the therapist, then sits back and watches the counsellor do his dirty deeds for him.

It's shameful.

At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been married to a narcissist for 22 years. During a marriage counseling session following his affair, the therapist handed me a slip of paper with the word "narcissist" written on it. I looked it up and spent the next 36 hours reading everthing I could. I have never been so afraid in my life. I am still afraid, every day.

What has made it so difficult for me is that my husband was a well-respected lawyer in our town, and has been an elected official for the last several years. To most, he walks on water.

I never imagined my vocabulary would include words like "gaslighting" and "projection." I am haunted by the fact that for most of these 22 years, I thought it was me. The sense of entitlement, the verbal abuse, the hours of silent treatment...I could go on and on.

My husband moved out six months ago to be with the other woman. He is now on this third relationship since he moved out.

Out of fear, I have finally contacted a lawyer and am ready to file. I am tired of the threatening text messages, the verbal threats and faxes, tantrums and etc. whenever he does not get his way. I lived it for 22 years and do not want or have to do it anymore.

I have carefully and calculatingly limited contact with anyone who continues to support him. I do not need those people in my life.

At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think my future mother in law is a narcissist. She's always saying horrible things about me and my fiance. She exploits and manipulates him for money and gifts and is never thankful or appreciative. She didn't attend his graduation and is now going to miss our wedding because she has back problems its 3 weeks before the wedding and she's asking why we don't go to visit her and have another ceremony (at our cost) so that she can be involved.

His sisters support her completely and make excuses for her. They blame him and say its just because he doesn't communicate enough. This is perhaps true as every time he communicates with his mother he ends up feeling hurt so he avoids it. The only time she has been nice to him is when she made a decision that no one else in the family supported and she wanted someone on her side.

One of the sisters in particular has also been completely unapologetically abusive to us. She says he doesn't support her and when he mentions the student loan he paid off and the enormous phone bill she racked up while living with us (for free) for several months she acts like he's being unreasonable for daring to bring it up. As if he should be feeling greatful for the honour of paying her way.

My friend is a psychologist and after hearing my woes told me his mother was a narcissist. I'm so glad I found this website because now I understand what that means. Its not our fault that she has a low opinion of us. The bad things she says about us:
"I'm a gold digger and racist"
"He'll never amount to anything why do I want to be with him",
"He should reconsider marrying me because I'm a bully" have nothing to do with reality.

I'm ready to stop trying to please her. I've referred him to this website and I hope he gets some comfort and strength from it as well. I'm so furious with her for hurting him. I feel like screaming at her and telling her I want her out of my life. I don't know what the right thing to do is.


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